1. When you hear someone say “UC,” you don’t think “University of California.” 2. You know the word "Depends" has more than one important meaning. 3. You never want to hear the phrase "I have to go now" again. 4. A flare is not just something in a roadside emergency kit. 5. You’ve seriously considered carrying a plunger in your purse. 6. Your poop talk is no longer confined to discussing your child’s diapers. And your friends are used to it. 7. Everyone you know will give you advice on diet, stress management, and exercise — but all of those people have colons that actually function. 8. Your doctor tells you not to be stressed or embarrassed by your symptoms, which only causes you to be stressed about not being stressed about your symptoms. 9. Instead of checking out where the nearest exit is in the restaurant, you always check out the quickest route to the bathroom. 10. You literally LOL when someone asks if you want to go horseback riding. 11. It’s totally normal to say words like “colon” and “rectum” in casual conversation, often with total strangers. 12. You agree that the best thing you can do for yourself is join a gym and exercise, as long as you can get the treadmill closest to the bathroom door. 13. Your friends say “Wow! You’ve lost so much weight!” and ask for your secret, like it’s a good thing. 14. You’ve actually liked an official UC page on Facebook. 15. You know that you’re never going to buy the green bathroom tissue that feels like tree bark, or really anything less than two-ply. Ever. 16. Your fear of the line at the restroom door exceeds your fear of zombies and spiders combined. 17. You really want to participate in a walk to raise money for UC research, but only if they have porta-potties strategically stationed along the route. 18. You know that the hashtag #badgut has nothing to do with beer bellies. 19. Your bathroom is the best decorated room in your house. 20. Taco Bell is definitely not on your lists of approved foods. In fact, no Mexican food is. And neither is Indian, nor Thai, nor anything else that tastes good. 21. The automatic flushing toilet doesn’t understand that you just might not be ready to leave yet. 22. The phrase “trust your gut” has absolutely no meaning for you. 23. You joined Costco just to buy toilet paper. 24. When you got colitis, the bottom didn’t fall out from your world, the world fell out from your bottom. 25. When someone shouts, “I hate your guts!” you immediately think “me, too.” 26. You have your “special pants” for the day after your prednisone treatment. 27. You’re on a first-name basis with the endoscopy technician. 28. The list of foods you can’t eat is longer than your Christmas list. 29. No one wants to go on a road trip with you, because, well, you know.