Don’t sweat it if…
…you get swollen ankles. Just see it as the universe giving you a chance to stretch the leather boots you purchased a year ago because they were on sale, but that were definitely too small for you.
…you have heartburn. Soon, antacids will become part of your regular diet and their very own food group.
…you get baby brain and forget everything. Your newborn has an internal alarm called “deafening crying” that will quickly remind you of the important stuff, like feedings and diaper changes.
…you gain a little weight. You're creating a whole new person, AND THIS PERSON WANTS ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW! Don’t argue with the baby.
…you miss a few Lamaze classes. Console yourself, knowing that regardless of how well you breathe, it's going to hurt like hell.
…your partner doesn't read pregnancy books. Just make up chapters about how they need to rub your feet and give you a back massage every night or else your child may come out with two heads.
…you sweat. A lot. For no reason other than you’re breathing. Making someone from scratch is hard work.
…you get restless leg syndrome. You get to kick your partner and get away with it.
…your baby looks like an alien in their 3-D picture. If you spent 40 weeks in a pool, you wouldn’t look so hot yourself.
…you can't see your feet. Your red, swollen, sausage feet. Trust us. You're not missing much.
…you and your partner can't agree on a name. Once they see what you have to go through to give birth to this child, they’ll agree to anything. That’s how the “Petunias” of this world are born.
…people don’t “like” every Facebook status, picture, or video you post. You’re the enemy now. Live up to your new title by posting a belly pic a day and frequent updates on your ever-changing physical symptoms. The more details, the better.
…you have gas. And don't smell it either.
…you’re so round you literally have to roll out of bed. This is great ninja practice for when you’ll need to escape without waking up your baby.
…strangers don't go out of their way to give you their seat in the bus. They'll be punished enough when you go sit next to them at a restaurant with your crying baby.
…you're past your due date. Relinquish control. You have no power in baby world.
…you pee your pants a little when you sneeze. It’s one of the least disgusting things you will have to deal with in the upcoming year.
…you don’t have time to clean your house. Just cross your fingers and hope the “nesting syndrome” kicks in at some point.
…you can't find a comfortable position to sleep in. Soon you won’t be able to sleep at all, so it will no longer be an issue.