Thanksgiving is coming up!

I spend a fair amount of time mocking my son and my role as a dad. But the holidays are a time for kindness and hope. So lately I have been spending some time considering the stuff in my life that I’m grateful for, not the least of which is all the hilarious material my son provides for my social media accounts.

Does your family do that ridiculously awkward thing where you go around the table and state something you’re thankful for? If so, please don’t invite me to your house unless you have kids. Because only parents can relate to this list of things I’ll be giving thanks for this Turkey Day.

1. The ability to buy cookies and pretend they're for my kids.

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2. That one morning back in March when my son slept until after the sun came up.


3. The ability to buy toys and pretend they're for my kids.


4. Doors with locks on them.


5. My son’s inability to read the channel guide so I can skip by his favorite shows without him losing his mind that I didn’t put “Rescue Bots” on.

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6. Macaroni and cheese, pizza, hot dogs, and the handful of other things my kid will eat without (much of) a fight.


7. My kid being a bulletproof excuse for getting out of helping someone move, driving someone to the airport, or going to someone’s one-man show.


8. The public school system, because someone else gets to deal with my kid for a few hours!


9. My son’s inability to tell time so I can continue to put him to bed at 5 p.m. every night.

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10. My decision to pay for Apple Care coverage on the — now broken, again — iPad.


11. The fact that we found the penny my son swallowed.


12. The fact that my wife was the one who found it (in his diaper).


13. The fact that my parents don’t laugh in my face when I complain about my kid.

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14. Other kids being just as insane as mine so I can rest easy knowing that his terrifying behavior is actually somehow normal.


15. Wine, beer, and liquor.


16. The fact that we’re having a second baby when my son is old enough to change diapers.


17. My son’s inability to spell so my wife and I can discuss the possibility of going to the Z-O-O without him losing his mind if we decide against it.

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18. My wonderful family, who (mostly) doesn’t mind that I make all these jokes at their expense, because they know how much I truly love them.


19. My second baby, due in January!


20. Noise-canceling headphones.

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