15 Terrible Thoughts Only a Parent Can Have

Parenting is a wonderful, rewarding experience. But what about when it isn’t? Not every moment of your time with your offspring is joyful. And in those moments, you may have some terrible thoughts and daydreams. Comedian Mike Julianelle shared some of the things that pop into his head during his weaker moments with his children.

Can you relate?

1. A vasectomy hurts, for sure. But only for a little while. Not for 18 years.

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2. Sure, I’ll attend your 1-year-old’s birthday party. It’s BYOB, right?

3. Can’t we skip the bath tonight? Nobody will make fun of him — everybody loves Pigpen!

4. Sleep-away camp is available year round, right?

5. I wonder what it would be like to be deaf…

6. Why doesn’t that “What Little Boys are Made Of” poem say anything about crumbs?

7. The things I would do for a cup of coffee right now…

8. Maybe if I keep my eyes closed long enough, she’ll go get her own breakfast.

9. Whoever coined the phrase “the pitter-patter of little feet” should be in jail.

10. If I hear “Are we there yet?” one more time, I’m breaking out the duct tape.

11. Why did I buy that white [anything]?

12. I wonder if she’d miss her recorder if I hid it/threw it in the garbage/broke it into 500 million pieces…

13. I bet quicksand is really relaxing.

14. If he doesn’t eat those fish sticks, I swear to God I’m gonna lose it…

15. “Sorry, honey, do you want some chicken nuggets instead?” I’m such a pathetic sap.