You’re the first one up, you’re the last one in bed, and you plan breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks, outings, wardrobe, appointments, weekends, and trips.
You solve a different crisis every five minutes, you go through a crazy amount of Band-Aids, you know lyrics to songs that should never exist, and your car looks like a Cheerios factory.
Oh yeah. And you have a full-time job, too.
You’re a busy working parent and here are some parenting hacks to make your life a little easier.
1. If your kid cries after a meal, at least you don’t have to wash their face.
2. If your kid doesn’t want to take a bath, make it more interesting by adding a real frog in the water. However, if your kid doesn’t want to leave the bath, add a shark.
3. Take a deep breath. Parenting is not that hard. It’s 80 percent making empty threats, and 20 percent picking up small toys or food from the floor.
4. If your kid has a loose tooth but you’re out of cash, feed them soup until payday.
5. The best time to remove your kid’s Band-Aid is never.
6. Get a good vacuum. You’ll save a lot of time if you don’t have to bend over to pick up small toys or pets from the floor.
7. Save time by washing both your car and kid by going through a carwash with your windows open.
8. Having kids means lowering some of your standards. If you wanted your kid to be President, you may want to reconsider to simply wanting your kid to sit straight at the table.
9. If you lose a kid in the department store, just take another one. They pretty much all look the same until they turn 18.
10. If you want to make your life easier, just buy 20 of each of these items monthly until your kids reach puberty: shoes, mittens, socks, hats, scarves, toothbrushes, scissors, coloring pens, paper, night lights, hair elastics, hockey pucks, and balls.
11. Half of your kid’s meals are comprised of stuff they find on the floor or between cushions. Cut the middleman and simply hide broccoli and cauliflower all over your house.
12. Play hide-and-seek. And become so good that it becomes normal for you to disappear for two hours.
13. Let them wear whatever they want. Trust me. Save your energy for battles worth the fight, like when they swallow a toy or cut their own hair.
14. Never cut your kid’s sandwich in half. It will invariably be the wrong way.
15. Rule #1 of parenting: Buy one color of sippy cups and one color only. You’re welcome.
16. Don’t listen to other parents sharing tricks on how to be a parent. Especially if they’re your own parents, because parents know the least about parenting.
17. When you throw away your kid’s drawings, make sure to skip the garbage can and go straight for the recycling bin five minutes before the garbage truck arrives. Oh the awkward conversations you'll avoid.
18. Teach your kids how to multitask. For example, teach them how to hold your glass of wine as you change their diaper.
19. If you go to Costco with your kids, the trick is to pile stuff on them until their whining becomes a distant white noise.