1. Me: Chuck E. Cheese isn't open, honey.
Daughter: Then why are there cars in the lot?
Me: The robots probably have band practice.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My KidsShare on Pinterest

2. That candy is rotten, despite what you've witnessed me eat.

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3. The "elf goblins" are watching. But, are they really? Because now I'm scared.

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4. The mountains are that high because they're trying to get away from the sound of bad kids in the backseat.

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5. If you touch the items on the shelf at the grocery store, the germs bite you and eat your nutrients.

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6. Wear whatever you want to church. Nobody will judge you!

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7. Nothing in the ocean will hurt you.

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8. You're all grown up now!

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9. Kids that don't take baths are given to witches as payment for their societal banishment.

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10. They picked the best Chuck E. Cheese robots and formed One Direction.

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11. There's not a shop called Justice. You're thinking of court. And no, we cannot go there.

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12. My Little Pony is a very dangerous cult.

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13. *Pulling in McDonald's drive-thru* This is a one-time thing, kids!

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14. One time I didn't do my homework, and the teacher made me do a one-man musical of “Annie Get Your Gun” in front of the whole school.

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15. School dances are super fun, and not at all detrimental to your popularity status.

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16. We're not allowed to go on vacation during odd years.

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17. They changed that vacation law to even years…I don’t care where your best friend is going!

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18. My band almost made it.

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19. Free puppies are too expensive for us.

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20. Dora was fired for being a terrible explorer. I know, I was surprised, too.

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21. Dreams do come true!

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Patrick is a comedian and writer from Houston, Texas. He’s been published in multiple magazines and websites and nominated for both literary and comedy awards.