The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

Written by Patrick McLellan | Illustrator: Julia Selutina on September 24, 2015

1. Me: Chuck E. Cheese isn't open, honey.
Daughter: Then why are there cars in the lot?
Me: The robots probably have band practice.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

2. That candy is rotten, despite what you've witnessed me eat.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

3. The "elf goblins" are watching. But, are they really? Because now I'm scared.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

4. The mountains are that high because they're trying to get away from the sound of bad kids in the backseat.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

5. If you touch the items on the shelf at the grocery store, the germs bite you and eat your nutrients.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

6. Wear whatever you want to church. Nobody will judge you!

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

7. Nothing in the ocean will hurt you.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

8. You're all grown up now!

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

9. Kids that don't take baths are given to witches as payment for their societal banishment.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

10. They picked the best Chuck E. Cheese robots and formed One Direction.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

11. There's not a shop called Justice. You're thinking of court. And no, we cannot go there.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

12. My Little Pony is a very dangerous cult.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

13. *Pulling in McDonald's drive-thru* This is a one-time thing, kids!

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

14. One time I didn't do my homework, and the teacher made me do a one-man musical of “Annie Get Your Gun” in front of the whole school.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

15. School dances are super fun, and not at all detrimental to your popularity status.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

16. We're not allowed to go on vacation during odd years.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

17. They changed that vacation law to even years…I don’t care where your best friend is going!

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

18. My band almost made it.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

19. Free puppies are too expensive for us.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

20. Dora was fired for being a terrible explorer. I know, I was surprised, too.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

21. Dreams do come true!

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

Patrick McLellan

Patrick is a comedian and writer from Houston, Texas. He’s been published in multiple magazines and websites and nominated for both literary and comedy awards.

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