1. Me: Chuck E. Cheese isn't open, honey.
Daughter: Then why are there cars in the lot?
Me: The robots probably have band practice.

The 21 Craziest Lies I’ve Told My Kids

2. That candy is rotten, despite what you've witnessed me eat.


3. The "elf goblins" are watching. But, are they really? Because now I'm scared.


4. The mountains are that high because they're trying to get away from the sound of bad kids in the backseat.


5. If you touch the items on the shelf at the grocery store, the germs bite you and eat your nutrients.


6. Wear whatever you want to church. Nobody will judge you!


7. Nothing in the ocean will hurt you.


8. You're all grown up now!


9. Kids that don't take baths are given to witches as payment for their societal banishment.


10. They picked the best Chuck E. Cheese robots and formed One Direction.


11. There's not a shop called Justice. You're thinking of court. And no, we cannot go there.


12. My Little Pony is a very dangerous cult.


13. *Pulling in McDonald's drive-thru* This is a one-time thing, kids!


14. One time I didn't do my homework, and the teacher made me do a one-man musical of “Annie Get Your Gun” in front of the whole school.


15. School dances are super fun, and not at all detrimental to your popularity status.


16. We're not allowed to go on vacation during odd years.


17. They changed that vacation law to even years…I don’t care where your best friend is going!


18. My band almost made it.


19. Free puppies are too expensive for us.


20. Dora was fired for being a terrible explorer. I know, I was surprised, too.


21. Dreams do come true!


Patrick is a comedian and writer from Houston, Texas. He’s been published in multiple magazines and websites and nominated for both literary and comedy awards.