…she still wants to be a princess when she grows up. It’s a real career choice. Just make sure she knows it takes four years of college in a STEM field. A master’s degree couldn’t hurt, either.
…every single decision you make leads to drama. She asked for chicken nuggets, and you made pizza. Her suffering is real and someday will be turned into a movie on the Lifetime channel.
…she has flashy tastes. Sequins go with everything. So does glitter. If you disagree, it’s only because the sparkles have destroyed your retinas.
…you’re late for everything. If your little diva doesn’t pick exactly the right shade of hot pink socks to go with her tiger stripe leggings, there’s no point in leaving the house. There’s always time for fashion.
…she constantly corrects you. After all, you’re just an adult. She’s a kid. You have so much to learn.
…she gets mad when you touch her stuff. Sure, you paid for the house and everything in it, but ownership of all that transferred to her the moment she was born. Next time, read the fine print.
…she thinks she’s the center of the universe. There are multiple people in your family. But there’s only one person who matters. Spoiler alert: It’s not you.
…she puts her friends before you. Even her imaginary ones. I’m sure your invitation to her tea party just got lost in the mail.
…she breaks into song at random moments. The world really would be a better place if it were more like a Disney musical.
…she’s too busy to clean up. Picking up toys isn’t her problem. That’s a job for her future servants. Or possibly for talking woodland creatures.
…she tells you the truth about everything. Honesty is inherent in all children. Tact is not. Don’t ask her what she thinks of your haircut unless you’re ready to spend the rest of the afternoon crying in the bathroom.
…she stays up late. She’s too sophisticated to be held back by something as silly as “bedtime.” Oh and it doesn’t help that she found your secret stash of Pixy Stix and Mountain Dew.
…she has strong opinions she needs to share with everyone. Especially sketchy looking strangers when you take her out in public with you. It’s a great way for you to awkwardly meet people you hope to never see or speak to again.
…she controls the remote. It’s a good thing you shelled out extra money for a top-of-the-line dream TV for your man cave. “Dora the Explorer” looks great in ultra HD.
…she has you wrapped around her finger. Sure, she’s a monster. But she’s a monster who can give you a pouting look that would make you forgive her for a triple homicide. Maybe quadruple homicide if she throws in some tears.