1. If my kids, partner, or dog storm inside the house with shoes full of mud, I will not simply smile, shrug my shoulders, and take out the Swiffer Wet Jet. Someone is in deep trouble and better come clean about this mess ASAP before I lose my mind.

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2. You cannot clean your kids’ messes with paper towels. These are of the supernatural kind and often require industrial-strength cleaning supplies accompanied by magical incantations.

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3. Singing toothbrushes do not help increase mouth hygiene. They just help with making the chore doubly annoying.

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4. Families don't talk about dishwasher soap capabilities nearly as often as the commercial will lead you to believe. We don’t care about a shiny glass. We’ll settle for one with no food crumbs on it.

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5. Game night should be renamed fight night because kids suck at losing.

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6. Eating a Kit Kat will not give you a break. I ate 20 and it only gave me a stomachache.

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7. Purchasing a high-absorbency diaper doesn’t make babies sleep through the night. Ditto for lavender bubble bath, night lights, soft music, and cute mobiles.

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8. Kids with the flu do not feel better .05 seconds after being given cough syrup.

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9. Kids in commercials actually eat what they're given for dinner.

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10. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup. It’s realizing the kids are still asleep and enjoying the silence.

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11. No-more-tears shampoo doesn’t work. I drank a whole bottle after both my kids were up all night vomiting and I still felt sad.

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12. Moms in commercials always throw the best birthday parties with a theme, a clown, the whole neighborhood, a buffet, and a three-tiered cake with a musical candle. I decorate with toilet paper, inflate a balloon or two, and put a candle on a store-bought cake.

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13. We buy laundry detergent made with real lemon juice yet purchase lemonade flavored with artificial flavors.

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14. Kids in commercials eat candies without carefully separating the reds from the greens and yellows, like monsters.

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15. Play-Doh comes in different colors, but after five minutes, all you are left with is a big gray ball.

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