1. If my kids, partner, or dog storm inside the house with shoes full of mud, I will not simply smile, shrug my shoulders, and take out the Swiffer Wet Jet. Someone is in deep trouble and better come clean about this mess ASAP before I lose my mind.

kid and dog tracking mud

2. You cannot clean your kids’ messes with paper towels. These are of the supernatural kind and often require industrial-strength cleaning supplies accompanied by magical incantations.

3. Singing toothbrushes do not help increase mouth hygiene. They just help with making the chore doubly annoying.

4. Families don't talk about dishwasher soap capabilities nearly as often as the commercial will lead you to believe. We don’t care about a shiny glass. We’ll settle for one with no food crumbs on it.

5. Game night should be renamed fight night because kids suck at losing.

6. Eating a Kit Kat will not give you a break. I ate 20 and it only gave me a stomachache.

7. Purchasing a high-absorbency diaper doesn’t make babies sleep through the night. Ditto for lavender bubble bath, night lights, soft music, and cute mobiles.

8. Kids with the flu do not feel better .05 seconds after being given cough syrup.

9. Kids in commercials actually eat what they're given for dinner.

10. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup. It’s realizing the kids are still asleep and enjoying the silence.

11. No-more-tears shampoo doesn’t work. I drank a whole bottle after both my kids were up all night vomiting and I still felt sad.

12. Moms in commercials always throw the best birthday parties with a theme, a clown, the whole neighborhood, a buffet, and a three-tiered cake with a musical candle. I decorate with toilet paper, inflate a balloon or two, and put a candle on a store-bought cake.

13. We buy laundry detergent made with real lemon juice yet purchase lemonade flavored with artificial flavors.

14. Kids in commercials eat candies without carefully separating the reds from the greens and yellows, like monsters.

15. Play-Doh comes in different colors, but after five minutes, all you are left with is a big gray ball.