Lack of sleep, forgetting your own name, smelling vaguely of spit-up at all times — must be a new parent! Here are 29 things only a new parent would understand.

1. “Wait, you’re just sending us home with this baby? Alone?!”

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2. Actually begging your mother-in-law to visit — she can help with the baby!

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3. Checking 327 times an hour to make sure your newborn is breathing.

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4. Driving 12 mph on the way home from hospital. On the Interstate.

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5. Exhaustion so great you forget your own name. And your partner’s name too.

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6. Opening a diaper gleefully so you can discover what color your baby’s poop is this time.

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7. Feeling yourself up multiple times a day to determine from which side you last fed your baby.

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8. The terror of your first postpartum bowel movement.

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9. Baby’s first smile resulting in a high better than any known drug.

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10. Keeping a running mental tally of whose turn it is to get up with the baby at 3 a.m.

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11. Falling asleep standing up in the shower.

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12. The ease of discussing your child’s bodily fluids with perfect strangers. Even childless strangers.

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13. Willingly giving up happy hour to go home and smell your baby’s head.

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14. Keeping a spreadsheet of how many times per day your new baby pees, poops, and eats.

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15. Being trapped on the couch under a sleeping baby you are terrified to wake.

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16. Choosing sleep over sex.

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17. Spending an entire month’s salary on a stroller.

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18. Screaming “IT’S NOT MY TURN” to get up with the baby in the middle of the night.

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19. Filling a one-gigabyte memory card with photos from your baby’s first four days of life.

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20. Asking visitors to wash and sanitize their hands — and maybe don a hazmat suit — before holding the new baby.

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21. Experiencing the fear at least every three minutes that you are doing it all wrong.

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22. Refusing to believe this wee baby will ever grow up to be a messy, sullen teenager who thinks you know nothing.

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23. Spending hours contentedly watching your baby sleep.

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24. The excitement of meeting someone with a baby the exact same age as yours, despite having nothing else in common.

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25. Stealing alone time by going to the grocery store and leaving the baby with your partner.

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26. Leaving your cart in aisle seven and running out of the store because you miss your baby so much.

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27. Trying to remember when you started calling your partner “Mommy” or “Daddy” instead of their proper name.

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28. Spending your entire date night discussing preschool options, despite the fact preschool is three years away.

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29. Deciding things are so great with this baby that you’re totally going to have another.

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Amy Sprenger is the author of “Yes Mommy: The Mayhem and Madness of Not Saying No” “Over My Dead Potty” and “Baby Bumps: The Almost, Barely, Not-Quite-True Story of Surviving Pregnancy, Bed Rest and One Batshit Crazy Family”. A mom to three, Amy blogs about parenting at snarkymommy.com.