If you're on the midlife roller coaster otherwise known as menopause, hold on and enjoy these 29 things only women of a "certain age" would understand.

1. The way you carry your weight changes — you go from junk in your trunk to having it under your hood.

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2. When you have a hot flash, you wish you could run naked in the snow.

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3. You have perpetual heartburn, so you top everything you eat with Rolaid sprinkles.

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4. Insomnia gets so bad that you can be seen on street corners jonesing for Ambien.

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5. Your favorite song lyric is “Jumpin’ Hot Flash, I got gas, gas, gas.”

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6. Your annual checkup reveals that you have gained 10 pounds and shrunk an inch.

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7. When the Wicked Witch in the “Wizard of Oz” screams, “I’m melting!” you know she’s not dying—she’s just having a hot flash.

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8. When you drive in traffic, you have to turn the radio down to see clearly.

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9. You have to put your glasses on to hear.

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10. You lose your glasses, only to find them on top of your head.

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11. Every time you sneeze, you wet your pants.

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12. Spanx is your best friend.

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13. Your skin itches so badly you feel like you need a flea collar.

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14. You’re so exhausted that 9 p.m. is the new midnight.

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15. When you do sleep, you wake up tired and can’t help wondering if you would’ve been better off doing something else.

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16. When you go to the grocery store, you get a shopping cart to push your purse.

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17. You have to clean the seat in public restrooms because you no longer have the thighs to hover.

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18. One day you take a nap and wake up to discover you have a goatee.

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19. Your “turkey neck” is getting so bad that when you hear that the president will pardon a turkey at Thanksgiving, you’re worried it will be you.

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20. You know that you’ve forgotten something, but you can’t remember what it was.

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21. Your underarm keeps waving goodbye long after you stop.

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22. Your fingernails are so soft that they bend and break, but your toenails are so dry and hard, they look like Fritos.

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23. You wake up so stiff, you almost reach for an oil can.

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24. Night sweats give a whole new meaning to “wetting the bed.”

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25. Your thinning hair has you considering a comb-over.

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26. To flash people at Mardi Gras, you only have to raise your shirt two inches.

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27. You can’t tell your goose bumps apart from your skin tags.

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28. As soon as you pull your pants up after a bathroom visit, you have to pee again.

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29. The only thing with any elasticity is the waistband of your sweatpants.

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