Insomnia is not fun to live with, but it can make for a good punch line every now and then.
1. You've had so many infomercial items delivered to your house you could open your own “As Seen on TV” store.
2. You lie awake in bed all night, and then go to work for a full day asleep.
3. You can never get your room quite dark enough to sleep.
4. You can never get your room quite quiet enough to sleep.
5. You develop sleep rituals so complex and obsessive that they stop you from sleeping.
6. You know that no matter how many nights in a row you watch them, the infomercials won’t get any better.
7. Not sleeping for two days makes it look like you have a serious substance abuse problem.
8. You watch “The Walking Dead” and find yourself sympathizing with the walkers.
9. You know that enough caffeine will keep you from not falling asleep at work, but even then you’ll be too tired to be productive.
10. You sometimes fall asleep on the toilet.
11. Lying very still in the dark, not making any noise because you don't want to scare the sleep away.
12. You know there’s nothing worse than staring at your alarm clock at 6:59 a.m. after a night without sleep.
13. Actually, there is: staring again when it goes off at 7:00 a.m. after getting exactly one full minute of sleep.
14. Why birds have to make so much noise at four in the morning.
15. Your mind never stops talking to you when you’re trying to fall asleep.
16. And right when you’re finally about to fall asleep, your mind shouts: “You failed your algebra exam! What are you going to tell Mom?”
17. You’ve counted so many sheep at night that they’ve unionized and asked for a raise.
18. You wonder if your own snoring might be keeping you awake.
19. The only comfortable place to sleep is on the bus.
20. You’re so fidgety at night that your partner makes you sleep on the couch, which is too uncomfortable to sleep on.
21. Your longest and most lucid conversations are with your cat, who also can’t sleep.
22. Your doctor makes you participate in a sleep study in a scary hospital, which is so scary you can’t sleep.
23. You can get pretty drunk without drinking.
24. You accidentally drink a caffeinated drink late at night and then cry.
25. When you get really tired during the day, you go watch a bad film, and sleep through the entire thing.
26. You cultivate friends around the world online, so you can talk to them when everybody else is asleep in your time zone.
27. You shop for groceries exclusively at 7-Eleven because it’s the only place open in the middle of the night.
28. You worry that if you had surgery the anesthesiologist wouldn’t be able to put you to sleep.
29. Watching that episode of “The Simpsons” when Groundskeeper Willie hits himself on the head with a hammer in order to sleep, and wondering if that might work.