Healthline

29 Things Only a Hypochondriac Would Understand

Written by Ralph Bardeaux — Updated on May 24, 2017

1. A sneeze is never just a sneeze. It could be a cold, the flu, or maybe even Ebola!

Share on Pinterest

2. When you call your doctor, she immediately asks, “So what is it this time?”

Share on Pinterest

3. You treat the door handle in a public bathroom like it’s a hazardous waste zone.

Share on Pinterest

4. You call in sick so often that people around the office have begun to forget your name.

Share on Pinterest

5. It’s not a question of if you’ll catch fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva. It’s a question of when.

Share on Pinterest

6. You can actually feel the germs racing up your arm after touching something gross.

Share on Pinterest

7. Some people start their day with a cup of coffee. You start it by checking out a dozen suspicious moles.

Share on Pinterest

8. Your medicine cabinet makes it look like you’ve robbed a drug store.

Share on Pinterest

9. Some people are wine snobs. You’re a cough syrup snob.

Share on Pinterest

10. You’ve received “Customer of the Year” awards from several major pharmaceutical companies.

Share on Pinterest

11. Your purse rattles like a maraca because of all the pills you carry around.

Share on Pinterest

12. When you go to see your doctor, he sighs a lot and mutters, “Why me?”

Share on Pinterest

13. You choose your outfits based on how well they match your Band-Aids.

Share on Pinterest

14. You’re certain that you’ve had malaria three times even though you’ve never left the state of Wisconsin.

Share on Pinterest

15. Your tongue looks weird one day and — wait, why does my tongue look weird? Oh my god! My tongue looks weird! Please, God … no, wait, I just ate Cheetos. Never mind.

Share on Pinterest

16. People no longer ask how you are because they don’t have 45 minutes to listen to your answer.

Share on Pinterest

17. You’ve developed an elaborate fist-bump technique to avoid shaking hands.

Share on Pinterest

18. You have so many doctors on speed dial that you’ve run out of slots for your spouse or children.

Share on Pinterest

19. Allergy season means six months of terror and paranoia that you might be getting sick.

Share on Pinterest

20. You spend more money on hand sanitizer than you do on rent.

Share on Pinterest

21. You shower with water that’s hot enough to boil a lobster.

Share on Pinterest

22. Your skin is so chapped from frequent hand washing that you look like you’re 80 years old from the wrist down.

Share on Pinterest

23. You wore a surgical mask in public long before the bird flu made it fashionable.

Share on Pinterest

24. You revise your last will and testament every time you feel a tickle in your throat.

Share on Pinterest

25. Checking each other’s blood pressure sounds like a fun thing to do on a first date.

Share on Pinterest

26. Your hobby growing up was to practice shouting, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” in the mirror.

Share on Pinterest

27. Plugging your symptoms into Google results in cold sweats, sudden dizziness, and a certainty that you only have a week to live.

Share on Pinterest

28. You’ve frequently thought that you might be pregnant, which is strange because you’re a guy.

Share on Pinterest

29. You frequently pull your shirt up in public and ask total strangers, “Does this lump look strange to you?”

Share on Pinterest
Written by Ralph Bardeaux — Updated on May 24, 2017

related stories

  • How to Stop Stuttering: 5 Tips That Can Help
  • You’re Not a Fraud. Here’s How to Recognize and Overcome Imposter Syndrome
  • Climate Change Is Affecting Mental Health — Here’s What You Can Do About It
  • Queer Folks Are Creating Much-Needed Safe, Sober Spaces to Connect
  • 30 Mindfulness Activities to Find Calm at Any Age

Read this next

  • How to Stop Stuttering: 5 Tips That Can Help
    Medically reviewed by Danielle Wade, LCSW

    Although stuttering can’t be completely cured, there are ways to manage it. Here are some treatment approaches for stuttering.

    READ MORE
  • You’re Not a Fraud. Here’s How to Recognize and Overcome Imposter Syndrome
    Medically reviewed by Vara Saripalli, Psy.D.

    Imposter syndrome takes “fake it ‘till you make it” to a new level. We break down the origins of imposter feelings and how to overcome them.

    READ MORE
  • Climate Change Is Affecting Mental Health — Here’s What You Can Do About It

    From droughts to floods, the affects of climate change have a very real impact on mental health. Experts help us understand this and offer tips for…

    READ MORE
  • Queer Folks Are Creating Much-Needed Safe, Sober Spaces to Connect
    Medically reviewed by Emelia Arquilla, DO

    Finlay Games, an LGBTQ+ transgender gay man in recovery, shares the correlation between LGBTQ+ community and alcohol abuse, and the new trend of queer…

    READ MORE
  • 30 Mindfulness Activities to Find Calm at Any Age
    Medically reviewed by Debra Sullivan, Ph.D., MSN, R.N., CNE, COI

    Only have 5 minutes? Try these mindfulness activities when you're cooking, walking, hanging with the kids, and more.

    READ MORE
  • Why Arkansas Anti-Trans Law Is So Dangerous for LGBTQIA+ Youth

    Arkansas has passed new legislation banning gender-affirming care for trans youth. Experts say it could do a great deal of harm to their mental and…

    READ MORE
  • How to Make ‘Friends’ with Anxiety: A Simple Technique to Gain Perspective
    Medically reviewed by N. Simay Gökbayrak, PhD

    Anxiety may be a part of the programming in your nervous system. But it doesn’t define who you are.

    READ MORE
  • 12 Things to Do When You Feel Lonely
    Medically reviewed by Alex Klein, PsyD

    Being alone doesn't have to mean feeling lonely. The next time loneliness strikes, give one of these 12 tips a try.

    READ MORE
  • BuJoy: How to Get Stuff Done While Having Fun

    Tackle your to-do list like a bullet journal pro.

    READ MORE
  • Why Suicides Have Decreased During the COVID-19 Pandemic

    Experts say people tend to be more open about their feelings and more supportive of each other during times of crisis.

    READ MORE
  • About Us
  • Newsletters
  • Health Topics
  • License Our Content
  • Find an Online Doctor
  • Contact Us
  • Advertising Policy
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Use
  • Do Not Sell My Info
  • Privacy Settings
  • © 2005-2021 Healthline Media a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Healthline Media does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. See additional information.
© 2005-2021 Healthline Media a Red Ventures Company. All rights reserved. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. Healthline Media does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. See additional information.
Healthline Media
AboutCareersAdvertise with us

OUR BRANDS

HealthlineMedical News TodayGreatistPsych Central