29 Things Only a Hypochondriac Would Understand
Written by Ralph Bardeaux on February 5, 2015
1. A sneeze is never just a sneeze. It could be a cold, the flu, or maybe even Ebola!
2. When you call your doctor, she immediately asks, "So what is it this time?"
3. You treat the door handle in a public bathroom like it's a hazardous waste zone.
4. You call in sick so often that people around the office have begun to forget your name.
5. It's not a question of if you'll catch fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva. It's a question of when.
6. You can actually feel the germs racing up your arm after touching something gross.
7. Some people start their day with a cup of coffee. You start it by checking out a dozen suspicious moles.
8. Your medicine cabinet makes it look like you've robbed a drug store.
9. Some people are wine snobs. You're a cough syrup snob.
10. You've received "Customer of the Year" awards from several major pharmaceutical companies.
11. Your purse rattles like a maraca because of all the pills you carry around.
12. When you go to see your doctor, he sighs a lot and mutters, "Why me?"
13. You choose your outfits based on how well they match your Band-Aids.
14. You're certain that you've had malaria three times even though you've never left the state of Wisconsin.
15. Your tongue looks weird one day and — wait, why does my tongue look weird? Oh my god! My tongue looks weird! Please, God ... no, wait, I just ate Cheetos. Never mind.
16. People no longer ask how you are because they don't have 45 minutes to listen to your answer.
17. You've developed an elaborate fist-bump technique to avoid shaking hands.
18. You have so many doctors on speed dial that you've run out of slots for your spouse or children.
19. Allergy season means six months of terror and paranoia that you might be getting sick.
20. You spend more money on hand sanitizer than you do on rent.
21. You shower with water that's hot enough to boil a lobster.
22. Your skin is so chapped from frequent hand washing that you look like you're 80 years old from the wrist down.
23. You wore a surgical mask in public long before the bird flu made it fashionable.
24. You revise your last will and testament every time you feel a tickle in your throat.
25. Checking each other’s blood pressure sounds like a fun thing to do on a first date.
26. Your hobby growing up was to practice shouting, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up," in the mirror.
27. Plugging your symptoms into Google results in cold sweats, sudden dizziness, and a certainty that you only have a week to live.
28. You've frequently thought that you might be pregnant, which is strange because you're a guy.
29. You frequently pull your shirt up in public and ask total strangers, "Does this lump look strange to you?"