1. A sneeze is never just a sneeze. It could be a cold, the flu, or maybe even Ebola!

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2. When you call your doctor, she immediately asks, "So what is it this time?"

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3. You treat the door handle in a public bathroom like it's a hazardous waste zone.

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4. You call in sick so often that people around the office have begun to forget your name.

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5. It's not a question of if you'll catch fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva. It's a question of when.

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6. You can actually feel the germs racing up your arm after touching something gross.

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7. Some people start their day with a cup of coffee. You start it by checking out a dozen suspicious moles.

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8. Your medicine cabinet makes it look like you've robbed a drug store.

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9. Some people are wine snobs. You're a cough syrup snob.

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10. You've received "Customer of the Year" awards from several major pharmaceutical companies.

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11. Your purse rattles like a maraca because of all the pills you carry around.

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12. When you go to see your doctor, he sighs a lot and mutters, "Why me?"

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13. You choose your outfits based on how well they match your Band-Aids.

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14. You're certain that you've had malaria three times even though you've never left the state of Wisconsin.

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15. Your tongue looks weird one day and — wait, why does my tongue look weird? Oh my god! My tongue looks weird! Please, God ... no, wait, I just ate Cheetos. Never mind.

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16. People no longer ask how you are because they don't have 45 minutes to listen to your answer.

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17. You've developed an elaborate fist-bump technique to avoid shaking hands.

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18. You have so many doctors on speed dial that you've run out of slots for your spouse or children.

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19. Allergy season means six months of terror and paranoia that you might be getting sick.

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20. You spend more money on hand sanitizer than you do on rent.

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21. You shower with water that's hot enough to boil a lobster.

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22. Your skin is so chapped from frequent hand washing that you look like you're 80 years old from the wrist down.

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23. You wore a surgical mask in public long before the bird flu made it fashionable.

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24. You revise your last will and testament every time you feel a tickle in your throat.

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25. Checking each other’s blood pressure sounds like a fun thing to do on a first date.

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26. Your hobby growing up was to practice shouting, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up," in the mirror.

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27. Plugging your symptoms into Google results in cold sweats, sudden dizziness, and a certainty that you only have a week to live.

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28. You've frequently thought that you might be pregnant, which is strange because you're a guy.

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29. You frequently pull your shirt up in public and ask total strangers, "Does this lump look strange to you?"

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