Yeah, masturbation is basically the act of self-lovin’, but who says you can’t share the love and play solo, together?

Mutual masturbation actually has two definitions: masturbating yourselves together or having hand sex with one another. Here, we’re talking about masturbating yourselves together.

This kind of partnered solo play can happen in the same room, via video, or even on the phone if you’re shy or just enjoy some hot aural sex.

Soooo much! It’s pretty much the most intimate thing you can do with your partner.

You’re letting them watch — and listen — as you do something that most people only do behind closed doors… under the covers… when no one else is home.

It can make you feel an exciting — and kind of terrifying — mix of vulnerable and powerful at the same time.

As for them, being privy to the peep show and watching you pleasure yourself kicks up the naughty factor by a bazillion.

Other reasons it’s awesome:

  • Pleasure’s a sure thing, because each of you gets to do what you already know feels good for you.
  • You get to release your inner voyeurs and exhibitionists at the same time. (You know they’re in there!)
  • It’s the best sex ed you can get, because your lover gets to learn how to give you pleasure from the most qualified instructor: you. And vice versa.
  • If you want to introduce sex toys into the bedroom, this is hands down the best way to segue into the convo.
  • It’s totally versatile and can be used to fulfill other fantasies, like role-playing, threesomes, or group sex.
  • It’s the closest thing you can have to full-on sex while still practicing physical distancing.

Masturbation is pretty much the safest sex you can have, but when doing it with a partner — virtually or IRL — there are some risks to consider.

First, be aware of bodily fluids. Touching yourselves isn’t risky, but anytime there’s contact with semen or vaginal fluids, there’s a risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

If either of you decides to reach over for a feel — with consent! — wash and dry your hands first, or use barrier protection.

Trust is a must, especially in this day and age of virtual everything, where just a click lets a person sneak a screenshot or record a video and share it with others.

Your situation can give you an easy way into the convo.

For instance, if you’re in a long-distance relationship or apart because of stay-at-home orders, it’s as simple as saying something like:

  • “I really miss touching/being with you, but I think I’ve figured out the next best thing…”
  • “I know how we can have sex and still stay 6 feet apart. [insert coy smile].”

Set the scene, whether the rub-a-thon’s happening IRL or virtually, by choosing a safe and comfortable space so you can both fully relax.

A bed, the couch, or a pillow fort on the floor — whatever works for you.

Dim the lights, light some candles, and put on some music. If suds float your boat, then feel free to take your sesh to the tub.

Keep toys, lube, and any other props within reach.

If you get to partake in person, rest assured there’s no way to screw this up if all parties are onboard and you do what feels good.

That said, there are some things that can make it even better.

Positions to consider

Feeling a little shy or have no qualms about giving yourself a hand with an audience? There’s a position for that! Consider:

  • Side-to-side. This one works for all, but it’ll appeal especially to someone who’s nervous about masturbating together. You can lie or sit side-by-side to get your rub on. Eye contact makes all sex hotter, but this position makes it optional so you can roll over to gaze when you’re ready.
  • Mutual mish. This handsy take on the missionary position has one of you lying on your back and the other on top, either straddling or kneeling between their legs while you pleasure yourselves. If one of you isn’t feeling up for a rub (hello, heavy flow) but still want to be there for the other, the hot AF view makes the mish the perfect compromise.
  • Full-frontal face-off. Raise your hand if you like to see and be seen! Sit facing each other with legs spread wide for a full-frontal face-off that’ll do your inner exhibitionist and voyeur proud.

Things to say

You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to, but be sure to let out any enthusiastic moan or whimper that comes naturally.

If you’re cool with sexy talk, give some verbal encouragement by telling them:

  • how good it feels
  • how hot they are
  • how turned on they’re making you
  • when you’re about to come

You can mutually masturbate like a total boss by telling them what you want them to do to themselves, too.

Techniques to try

Take it beyond just the rub and tug by:

  • teasing your other erogenous zones before going for the money shot
  • sucking on your fingers — or theirs — while you play
  • staying connected by draping your leg over theirs
  • teasing yourself with a toy, like a clit or nipple vibe
  • engaging in some solo penetration by way of a vibrator or butt plug

Just because you can’t see each other doesn’t mean that masturbating can’t be a mutually toe-curling experience.

Positions to consider

Anything goes when you’re flying solo as long as it feels good, but here’s some next-level position inspo:

  • On your knees. Whatever’s between your legs, getting on your knees will work because your clit and vagina, penis and balls, or anus are within easy reach of your digits or a sex toy. Keep your knees slightly apart for balance and stability since your hands will be otherwise engaged.
  • Cop a squat. Just like it sounds, you cop a squat and go to town on your bad self. If using a toy for vaginal penetration and G-spot play is on the menu, squatting works best. Do it with your back to a wall for support to make it easier on your quad muscles.
  • Dry humper. A good old-fashioned dry hump works when you’re alone, too. Just be sure to grind against a surface that won’t hurt your tender parts, like the edge of the mattress, the arm of sofa, a pillow, or stuffed toy. You can also lie facedown with your hand or a vibrating toy against your clit or penis for a hump.

Things to say

Yep, phone sex can be a little awkward, especially if you’re new to it. Thankfully, touching yourselves will pick up a lot of the slack.

Any sounds that come from feeling good will hit the right notes with your partner, so don’t be afraid to turn up the volume on your breathing, moans, or sighs of pleasure.

If you want to turn them on with talk, paint a picture by telling them what you’re doing to yourself, and ask them to describe what they’re doing, too.

Techniques to try

Here are some extras to biggie-size your tele-masturbation sesh:

  • Use an app-controlled sex toy that your partner can control from afar.
  • Try a suction-cup dildo mounted to the wall or a chair for hands-free and phone-friendly P or A penetration.
  • Read an erotic story to each other if you’re lost for words.
  • Go all out with some fantasy exchange or role-playing if you’re both into it.

Let’s take a moment to honor the technology that allows us to keep having mind-blowing sex in isolation during a global health crisis. *sheds a tear*

Positions to consider

Any position with a view works best for a sexy video sesh, as long as you’re able to relax and enjoy yourselves.

Try these:

  • Sit and lean. Just as it sounds, you sit and lean back facing the camera so your boo can see you in all your glory. Leaning against pillows provides the support so your hands are free to rub, stroke, or finger yourself silly for the cam.
  • On your knees. Just as hot on video as it is IRL. Just kneel on the bed or floor facing the camera, and let your fingers do the walking. Arching your back and thrusting your hips forward can maximize the view. Use pillows or a wall behind you for support if you want to go into a full limbo position.
  • Standing tall. Prop the camera up so you can get your entire body in the shot, and stroke yourself while you stand facing it. Standing gives you the freedom to move, so you can thrust, bend, or twirl to your heart’s content — and theirs — and reach every inch. Keep a stable stool or chair handy if you want to prop up a leg to maximize their view, or to penetrate your P or V.

Things to say

Unlike phone sex that’s totally audio-reliant, a video sesh lets you show and tell to take some of the pressure off finding the right words.

Ham it up for the camera aurally by being a little louder so they can hear every delicious breath and moan.

If you want to try dirty talk, there’s no need to follow an elaborate script. Try these openers:

  • “If you were here I’d be stroking/licking/sucking/rubbing your [insert body part] so good.”
  • “I’m imagining you touching/rubbing/riding me right now while I [insert what you’re doing to yourself].”
  • “What do you want me to do to myself?”

Can’t dirty talk? I’ve got four words for you: I’m. Going. To. Come.

*mic drop*

Techniques to try

Try these tips to ramp up your virtual masturbation sesh:

  • Place the camera on the floor or bed, and masturbate over it for a super-intimate view.
  • Penetration takes video sex to another level, so grab some lube and your favorite vibe or butt toy.
  • Use an app-controlled toy and let your boo take your pleasure into their hands while they watch, or get one each for double the fun.

Just say so. Mutual masturbation should be mutually gratifying, after all.

If you want to switch gears, you can say something along the lines of:

  • “I’m not really feeling this right now, but would love to keep watching you if that’s OK?”
  • “I’m not feeling this position/move/angle, mind if we switch it up?”

If you’re not feeling it at all and want to stop, tell them. You could try:

  • “I’m having a hard time staying in the moment. Maybe we can try again later?”
  • “I’m not really feeling this and would rather stop or [insert another activity].”

Mutual masturbation doesn’t get the cred it deserves, but it’s definitively worth adding to your repertoire.

It’s fairly safe, can help you master your moves better than any tutorial, and it practically guarantees a happy ending for all involved. Winner winner!


Adrienne Santos-Longhurst is a freelance writer and author who has written extensively on all things health and lifestyle for more than a decade. When she’s not holed up in her writing shed researching an article or off interviewing health professionals, she can be found frolicking around her beach town with husband and dogs in tow or splashing about the lake trying to master the stand-up paddle board.