Q: My sex life disappeared during menopause. At first, my partner and I tried to have sex like we did before, but it was so painful for me that we eventually stopped. We never really talked about it, and they never brought it up. Although we still hug and kiss, the closeness we once shared is no longer there. Is there any hope of rekindling our romance and reconnecting sexually?
Menopause can bring a lot of change to your body (vaginal dryness and thinning, hot flashes, and night sweats to name a few). But starting menopause doesn’t have to mean ending your sexual pleasure.
Since this is a normal part of aging, you might find it helpful to explore your feelings and beliefs around menopause. Ask yourself:
- Do I feel negative about this life change?
- Am I feeling ashamed about the way my body has changed?
- Am I still grieving the loss of how sex used to be for me?
- How open do I feel to creating new patterns, where pleasure takes the center stage?
Once you can find compassion towards yourself about the changes you have experienced, then you’re ready to reset and start fresh.
To start your reset, set aside any preconceived notions about how sex should feel now. Then, have a kitchen conversation with your partner, and start by using “I” statements.
For example, you may say something like:
“I am nervous about rekindling our romance, but I would like to share sexual intimacy with you again. I’d like to explore new ways that we can be physical. Would you like to massage each other, and touch each other for the sake of touching? I don’t have any expectations of where I want it to go, except that I want to feel physically close to you again.”
By breaking the ice, you can start to learn more about what you both need.
If you’re ready to start having penetrative sex, a water-based lube will be essential to reducing discomfort and friction.
If you’ve experienced pain during sex and aren’t ready to resume penetrative sexual activity, you may want to explore outercourse, or non penetrative sexual activities instead.
Reading, watching, or listening to erotica together can give you ideas of erotic language to use with each other, help get you in the mood, and give you ideas of what you would like to try.
With time and patience, you can build a sexual relationship that satisfies both you and your partner.
Janet Brito is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor who also has a license in clinical psychology and social work. She completed her postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Minnesota, one of only a few programs in the world dedicated to sexuality training. Currently, she’s based in Honolulu, Hawaii, and is the founder of the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health. Dr. Brito has been featured on many outlets, including O: The Oprah Magazine, HuffPost, Playboy, Women’s Health, Thrive Global, and Midweek Publications. Reach out to her through her website or on Instagram.