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Ever had your kid (or dog) saunter into the room with one of your sex toys in hand (or mouth) in front of company?
Had the TSA agents in hysterics when your monster dildo revealed itself at security?
Do you have your BFF on standby to clear out your goody drawer ASAP should you meet an untimely demise?
These discreet sex toys are for you, you, you.
We believe pleasure is a fundamental aspect of a safe and healthy sex life. That’s why we rely on experienced writers, educators, and other experts to share their suggestions on everything from the technique you use to the sex toy you buy.
We only recommend something that we genuinely love, so if you see a shop link to a specific product or brand, know that it’s been thoroughly researched — if you know what we mean. Wink.
We’re talking toys so unassuming that they’re unlikely to bring shame to your family even if you leave them out on the coffee table Christmas morning.
We tapped a couple of experts and looked at user reviews to find toys for all that are inconspicuous, quiet, AND able to do their job, which is getting you off.
Discreet sex toys are big business, which is why the market’s saturated with lipstick or duck vibes. Cute as they are, most are more novelty than pleasure.
To spare your clit and not give your sexy little secret away, here are sneaky toys that keep pleasure at the forefront.
The 5-star reviews don’t lie: This little cutie’s got it all goin’ on!
Obii is made of soft and squishy body-safe silicone, making it a dream to maneuver over your clit and other erogenous zones.
Reviewers say sucks in the best way possible and vibrates, so it definitely ticks all the external pleasure boxes.
As far as appearance, it’s cute as a baby chick, and you could leave it out and pass it off as a hipster aromatherapy diffuser. Place it on its wireless charging “mood base” and it moonlights as a night light. Genius.
Obii is also designed to be whisper quiet, so it won’t wake the kids/guests/neighbors.
We fully support going on a bender if the end result is an orgasm and no regrets.
It features 10 vibration speeds and patterns, measures a satisfying 7.5 inches long, and has a 2-hour battery life and magnetic USB charging.
Vesper is a hands-down-legs-up favorite among sex toy connoisseurs and experts, like Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of pleasure shop Early to Bed.
“Nothing beats the Vesper necklace for discretion,” Deysach says. “You can wear it around your neck and everyone will just think you have excellent taste in jewelry.”
Other notable features of quite possibly the most sophisticated vibrator on the planet:
- It’s made of 316 stainless steel.
- You can get it in silver, rose gold, and 24-karat gold plating.
- It’s got four vibration settings.
- It can be engraved (Adrie for short is fine, please and thanks!).
- Its smooth, rounded tip is made for external pleasure, so it’s perfect for all your sensitive spots.
A lot of sex toys geared at penis-having folks are pretty in your face and far from discreet, but there’s no need to settle for Pocket Pussies and other less than elegant novelties anymore — unless that’s your jam.
Fleshlight Flight Pilot
The Flight Pilot is another highly rated, nonanatomical masturbator that won’t rouse anything but your peen.
It’s smaller and lighter than other Fleshlight toys and truly discreet enough for play on the fly, so you can keep your pleasure-seeking ways under the radar even with a house full of nosy guests.
The pleasure canal of 6 penetrable inches is made of life-like SuperSkin with varying widths and textures for all the feels.
Lovense Max 2
Sarah Melancon, PhD, sociologist and clinical sexologist with The Sex Toy Collective, offered up the Lovense Max 2 as her pick for discreet toys for penis owners because it kind of looks like a water bottle.
Looks aside, the Max 2 also:
- features vibration and 360-degree contractions for strong suction, each with multiple settings to choose from
- has an adjustable air vent so you control the suction
- allows for long-distance play using Bluetooth and a partner-controlled app (which is perfect for these times of lockdown lovin’, BTW)
Lelo Tor 2
The stretchy ring can be slipped over your D or a couple of fingers so you can share the love with all your sensitive spots.
As a cock ring, you can wear it with the stimulator up or down to mix things up while you get handy.
It’s wireless, rechargeable, and totally inconspicuous, has six settings, and is waterproof so you can get rub-a-dubby with it.
You wouldn’t think a butt toy could be discreet, but we found three that totally are!
Crystal Delights Hello Kitty Butt Plug
Nothing to see here — just a glass Hello Kitty butt plug that can pass for a whimsical knicknack on your nightstand or do double duty as a super cute paper weight.
The plug is made of body-safe annealed borosilicate glass.
It has the traditional butt plug teardrop shape but, left lying on its side, the glass and adorbs Hello Kitty rhinestone medallion on the flared base are unlikely to blow your cover.
Cute Little F*ckers Princette Puppypus
Princette may look sweet and innocent, but don’t let that fool you.
This isn’t just a discreet vibrating butt plug, but also a stand-alone vibrator with independently buzzing “legs” that nestle against the clit during vaginal penetration.
No vagina? No problem! It’s also shaped for sliding between the fingers and exploring all your other spots while experimenting with the five speeds and modes. Think: nips, tits, taint, etc.
The Princette is made of silicone, and is waterproof and USB chargeable.
The only downside: It looks enough like a kids’ toy that you’ll probably want to keep it out of sight of the young’uns.
Romi Gem Anal Beads
These are just too darn pretty to be dirty — or so others will think should you forget to stash them.
These budget-friendly anal beads are made of smooth and shiny stainless steel with a sapphire blue gemstone on the flared base.
It looks more like a piece of art fit for displaying on a bookshelf than burying in your butt.
Good looks aside, this toy slides in smooth — front or back — and is good for beginners and seasoned butt players, according to reviews.
For the dozens of other spots on your body just ripe for sexy stim, here are three discreet toys that can get you revved up from head to toe.
JimmyJane Evoke DU-O
It looks like a massage wheel used by athletes to work out the kinks, but really it’s a dual-ended massager and vibrator/dildo made to work up the kink!
Let the good times roll solo or with a partner as you explore every inch with the vibrating wheel. If the mood strikes, you can take the party inside with the wand end for vaginal or anal penetration.
The Evoke DU-O is waterproof and made of phthalate-free soft silicone and ABS plastic, and offers up 10 vibe modes.
Zumio kind of looks like an electric toothbrush minus the head… in case anyone asks.
It’s designed to pinpoint your pleasure points with its special “SpiroTip” that rotates in tiny circles and lets you customize your experience with eight speeds.
The intensity is controlled by the amount of pressure you use, so your pleasure is totally in your hands.
Its small size makes it easy to use during partner play, too.
You can get Zumio in three different models:
- The S, which has a large round tip and a circular rotation pattern
- The E, which has a small convex tip and elliptical rotation pattern
- The X, which has a medium round tip and a circular rotation pattern
Piece of statement jewelry or the coolest finger vibe ever? Both, actually!
This wearable multispeed, waterproof vibrator ring swivels, so you can angle the vibe to hit just the right spot, whether that’s you or your partner’s vulva, clit, nipples, perineum, balls, or head… You get the idea.
It’s made of surgical-grade stainless steel and comes in silver or electroplated 18-karat gold.
You can literally come (ha!) or go with this gorgeous vibe and arouse everything but suspicion.
There’s no shame in enhancing your pleasure with toys, but we get that you might prefer to keep your goodies on the down-low. That’s cool. Discreet toys can take some of the stress out of sneaking!
Adrienne Santos-Longhurst is a Canada-based freelance writer and author who has written extensively on all things health and lifestyle for more than a decade. When she’s not holed up in her writing shed researching an article or off interviewing health professionals, she can be found frolicking around her beach town with husband and dogs in tow or splashing about the lake trying to master the stand-up paddle board.