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If the dirty questions you’re asking your boo don’t go beyond “Babe, when was the last time you showered?” or “Who’s doing the next load of laundry? You or me?,” you and your sex life are missing out Big Time.
“Asking your partner questions can tell you more about your partner and their desires,” says Alexandra Fine, CEO and co-founder of Dame Products. “But it can also tell you about your own as well.”
How’s that? Well, odds are that far more than a quick answer, these questions are gonna lead to some pretty darn intimate convos.
In fact, according to Fine, asking questions like this could help foster an environment of intimate sharing within your relationship.
You bet your butt a leading question has the power to take the conversation from “OK” to “OH!”
With nudes, lewds, or sexting
First things first: Before you send a racy pic or text, ask permission!
As Texas-based sex educator Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, puts it, “You never know if someone is with their kids or sitting by their grandmother in hospice.”
Asking permission allows the person to confirm whether they’re locationally/emotionally/spiritually in a place to receive your smutty sexts.
If you get the green light, you might ask:
- If I was with you, which part of my body would you want to lick first?
- How long do you think you would last before begging me to touch you if I was wearing this with you?
- I think it could be fun to use [insert toy present in photo] together. Do you know how it works? I’d love to tell you about it.
- Baby, if I was with you I’d want to feel you orgasm around me. Tell me, what would you want me to do to help you come?
- If you could have your way with me, what would you do?
On a phone or video call
“Asking questions can be really hot fun over video and phone because you’ll be able to see and hear their excitement,” says Howard.
- Remember last week when you pinned me against the wall? I’m going to narrate it to you from my point of view, if you’ll let me.
- Tell me, what would you be doing to me if I was there?
- What do you want to watch me do to myself?
- If nothing was off-limits, what would you want me to do to you?
Here, what you ask is going to vary depending on whether you and your partner are already intimately/physically/emotionally connected and you want to up the ante. Or, if you’re not, but want to be.
- How would you feel about taking a shower together and seeing where it goes?
- I’d love to kiss you and see if it leads to more than that. How does that sound to you?
- What can I do to help you de-stress right now?
- I read an article about tantric sex. How would you feel if I read you a paragraph?
Maybe you’ve smooched but not smacked the sack. Maybe you and your recent Right Swipe just entered R-rated territory. Or maybe you’re still trying to parse out whether you and your new boo are a good match, sexually.
Wherever you’re at in this new relationship or situationship, there are dirty questions you can ask.
What it can do for your relationship at this stage
At the early stages in your relationship, you want to figure out whether your sexual wants and needs mesh.
In other words: Are you sexually compatible or nah?
Qs to learn about what they’re looking for in a sexual partner
“You want to learn what they’re looking for sexually earlier in the relationship, because if they’re into something that’s a Hard No for you, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later,” says Howard.
- How do you personally define sex?
- What is your relationship orientation? What is your preferred relationship structure?
- I know that I have a [insert adjective here] libido. How would you describe your interest in sex?
- Is marriage or engagement a prerequisite for you for sex? Do you have any prerequisites for sex?
- What time of day do you most enjoy having sex?
- Where is your favorite place to have sex?
- What are your hard no’s?
- What kind of music do you enjoy getting down to?
Qs to learn about their sexual history
Before you ask these questions, think through W-H-Y you’re asking them.
Is it because you’re interested in what types of sex acts they’d be interested in exploring together? If so, go ahead and ask the following:
- If you could only ever have three erogenous zones stimulated, what three would you choose?
- What sex act do you want to try that you never have?
- What parts of your body have you never had stimulated before?
- What makes you feel safest in bed?
- What was a time you laughed hardest in bed?
If, however you want to learn more about their sexual history or you’re nervous that you’re either “not experienced enough” or “too experienced” for them, pose one of the below questions:
- I haven’t yet met or dated someone I feel comfortable exploring different ways of experiencing pleasure with. And because I know you’ve been in more long-term relationships, I’ve been feeling nervous about how sexually experienced I am. I’d love to talk through that with you.
- I know that I’ve been with more people than you have and have tried a wider variety of sex acts than you, but I want to assure you that I want you to set the pace of what we try and when. Do you have any concerns about our differing sexual histories that you want to talk through?
Qs to learn about their interests and turn-ons
When you’re first learning someone’s sexual interests, Howard emphasizes that it’s important to ask open ended — not yes/no — questions.
In addition to generally leading to better discussion, open-ended questions tend to help people feel more comfortable sharing, she says.
So while you wouldn’t ask, “Have you ever used a vibrator?” or “Have you ever had anal?,” you might ask:
- If you could only use one sex toy for the rest of your life, what would it be?
- What’s your favorite vibrator that you own?
- What’s your go-to lube brand?
- What are your favorite places to have licked?
- Where do you like to be teased and touched with your hands?
- What are your biggest turn-ons and kinks?
- What are your favorite ways to give pleasure anally?
- What are your favorite ways to receive pleasure?
- What’s your favorite sex toy shop to buy from?
Qs to learn about their sexual health status
“You never want to make assumptions about someone’s health status,” says Howard.
Instead, ask the following:
- When was the last time you were STI-tested?
- What precautions have you taken to prevent transmission during sex since?
- What STIs were you tested for?
- What were the results of those tests?
Point blank: If you don’t feel comfortable having these conversations, you probably aren’t ready to have sex.
But if you don’t have this conversation, assume that the person is STI-positive, and take the necessary precautions to prevent transmission.
Ah, the few-month mark. The time when you’ll either really hit your stride or hit a dead end.
What it can do for your relationship at this stage
If at a few months in you haven’t already begun to foster an environment in your relationship where you talk about your sex life, now’s when you want to start, according to Howard.
“Talking about your sex life can help your sex life,” she says.
If your sex life is already amazing, you should still talk about it, she says.
“You don’t want the only time you and your partner talk about your sex life be when it needs work.”
Also: Who doesn’t love some R-rated words of affirmation??
Qs to learn more about your compatibility
At this point, you’re probably starting to get a sense of how sexually compatible you are or aren’t.
But “communicating is the best way to get a sense of how sexually compatible you are,” says Howard.
Trust, these questions will help you communicate:
- What’s your favorite sex act that we’ve tried?
- What are the sex acts that we do that you wish we did a little less of?
- What is something you’ve been wanting to try with me but have been nervous to bring up?
- How do you feel about how often we’ve been having sex?
- How do you feel about how long your sex sessions have been lasting?
- How do you feel about PDA? How about in front of your friends? Family?
- What’s your favorite time of day to have sex with me? Why?
Qs to learn more about their desires
You knowww you’re curious!
Plus, asking your partner(s) these questions is the perfect way to bring up your own fantasies and desires.
- If you could invite any celebrity over to be our third, who would it be? And how do you see it playing out?
- What are some of the sex acts your friends have talked about that you want to try?
- I’d love to learn more about any kinks or sex toys you’ve been interested in trying together — what are some of them?
- What type of porn do you like to enjoy when you masturbate?
- What was the last thing you searched for on porn?
- What does your masturbation practice involve?
When you’ve been smooching the same person for a minuteeee you may think you’ve already asked them everything you could possibly want to know. But the below questions will prove that’s false!
What it can do for your relationship at this stage
Hate to break it to you, but the amount of time you’ve been together doesn’t say anything about how satisfying your sex life is.
A Q&A session can help you continue pleasurable patterns and break not-so-mutually-pleasurable ones.
Qs to check in on what’s working (and what’s not)
Here, vulnerability is the name of the game.
So rather than simply dishing out a Q, here you’re going to want to share your own thoughts and feelings about your sex life, too.
- I love when you go down on me. And I really want to help you experience the most pleasure possible during oral, too. Are there things you especially like during oral that you wish I did more of?
- The last time we used a vibrator together felt so intimate. I think it could be fun to use a new toy together. Are there any toys you use when you masturbate that you might want to bring into the bedroom?
- I read an article about the benefit of making a Yes/No/Maybe list with your partner. When do you have time to make one this weekend?
Qs to spice things up
After the honeymoon phase has passed and the everyday minutiae has taken center stage, it’s possible your sex life has become a little “meh.”
These questions can help replace the unenthused groans with moans:
- What are two sex positions that we haven’t tried in a while that you’d like to bring back into rotation?
- What is your favorite sexual memory of us?
- If you could only use your hands on me, what would you do?
- If I could only use my mouth on you, where would you want me to taste you?
- If you could dress me in anything, what would it be? Nothing is off-limits!
- How does it feel for you to orgasm?
- If I was with you right now, what would you do with me?
“Leaning on a game to find out this kind of information can help take the pressure off of both of you,” says Howard. Yes, these kinds of games exist!
“Games in general also help people take their guards down, which means you may actually learn more with the help of a game.”
Here are some popular dirty question games that you can purchase online:
No matter the stage you’re at in your relationship, there’s a set of dirty questions that’ll tell you more about your partner’s wants, wishes, and needs.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a queer sex educator and wellness journalist who is committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Healthline, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.