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In basic terms, cuckolding is a fetish or kink in which a person gets turned on by their partner having sex with someone else.
It’s closely tied to BDSM with overlaps like domination, submission, and humiliation — minus the gear and spanking à la Fifty Shades.
Historically, the term cuckold refers to a man who was unknowingly cheated on by his wife. Don’t get too hung up on that, though.
The modern-day cuckold — who’s not necessarily a cisgender or heterosexual male — is fully aware and heartily approves of their partner’s affairs.
Apparently — though pinning down specific numbers is tricky given the delicate nature of the topic.
Based on internet research, oodles of people Google the word “cuckolding” on the daily. Porn sites have also reported that “cuckold porn” is one of the most searched categories.
Exactly how many people are actually engaging in it is hard to say.
No! A lot of the info assumes only cishet men want to be cucked, but those desires aren’t specific to gender or sexuality.
And FYI, the “cuckoldress,” or the person having the sex, isn’t always a woman, and the third party, also known as the “bull,” isn’t always a man.
Like any kink, there are several possible variables at play, including biological and social factors. The reasons behind the enjoyment vary between the roles, too.
To be cucked
Psychologists have suggested a number of reasons why someone may be turned on by their partner having sex with someone else.
A biological urge referred to as the “sperm competition theory” may play a role in the desire to be cucked. That’s if the cuck is someone with a penis, of course.
In these scenarios, some research suggests that watching your partner with another man prompts a biological response to have longer and more vigorous sex.
This urge often results in the cuck ejaculating harder, having more sperm in their ejaculate, and having a shorter refractory period between erections so they’re ready to go at it again a lot sooner.
Knowing someone else wants your partner can kick your desire into overdrive and make you want them more than a fresh-from-the-oven Krispy Kreme.
Sexual jealousy can be intense, motivating, and pretty arousing. Some researchers think that jealousy is also a part of what fuels sperm competition and gets a male ready to fight for the fertilization win.
Compersion is the flipside of jealousy; it’s the happiness you feel seeing your partner happy.
The word’s often used by people in polyamorous relationships to describe the feeling they get seeing their partner courting someone else.
In the world of cuckolding, the happy feels come from seeing your partner being sexually satisfied by another.
Humiliation seems to play a leading role in cuckolding. It comes from the ridicule a person is likely to feel when their partner cheats on them.
For some, humiliation ramps up the erotic intensity of the act by a bazillion. This can come from watching their partner with someone else, or some extra humiliation thrown in for good measure, like being laughed at or belittled by their partner and the bull.
For others, humiliation doesn’t even factor in because, while par for the course in real infidelity, cuckolding between consenting adults removes — or at the very least dulls — it for some.
The cuck is essentially submitting to someone else taking over their role in the bedroom.
The pleasure comes from giving up that power of sexually pleasing your partner over to someone else.
The taboo factor
It’s no secret that culture idealizes monogamy. So, even though cuckolding is a common fantasy, it’s still considered taboo to share your partner with another. And who doesn’t like to be naughty and break the rules once in a while?
To have a partner who enjoys being cucked
You might wonder what’s in it for you if you’re with someone who likes being cucked. It turns out there’s plenty of pleasure to be had!
Not only is there the obvious physical pleasure you get from engaging in sexual acts with the bull, but the sex gets better between you and your partner, too.
What little research is available on cuckolding shows that both partners report having hotter sex with each other. Also, cuckoldresses report feeling more sexually satisfied.
Cuckolding may also revitalize a relationship that’s become a bit stale over time.
The consensus is that the majority of couples that partake in cuckolding tend to have excellent communication and intimacy. The willingness to share your deep desires encourages intimacy and brings you closer.
Though the rules aren’t set in stone and couples can mix things up as they prefer, the cuckoldress typically takes on the sexually dominant role.
They get to have sex with others while the cuck remains loyal and doesn’t get squat — unless their partner wants them to that is.
To be the bull in a cucking scenario
As the bull, you’re the third party that gets chosen to come into the relationship. The main draw here is getting to have no-strings-attached sex with someone who is eager and willing.
For some, the dominance aspect is appealing and comes from stepping in and taking over the cuck’s role in the bedroom.
You don’t actually need to go as far as watching your partner have sex with another person to enjoy the fun of cucking.
Cucking can involve hearing your partner talk about sex with someone else — real or imagined.
To get your feet wet
If you’re not quite ready to go looking for a bull, you can get off on listening to your partner talk about sex with someone else.
Have them tell you about other people they fantasize about having sex with or the juicy details of past sexual encounters.
If you want to take it a little further
If you’re really turned on about the idea of your partner hooking up with someone else, start off with watching from the distance as your partner flirts with someone at a bar.
Too vanilla? Suggest your partner get a sensual massage from someone else while you watch to test the waters.
If you think you can handle more, send your partner out on a date where sex is on the menu and have them share all the details when they’re done.
If you want it all
Along with watching your partner get busy with someone else, talk about the option of participating in the act. Your role can be as big or small as all parties are cool with, like directing the bull and telling them what to do to your partner or actually getting in there for a threesome.
No, though people often use the terms “hotwife” and “cuckoldress” interchangeably.
A hotwife scenario is more about sex rather than emotion, power, or control.
Instead of humiliation, hotwifing seems to center on pride. The partner is proud of having a hot-to-trot partner and her sexual adventures, and happy to share.
Fantasies, kinks, and fetishes are normal, but bringing them up to your partner isn’t always easy.
Use these tips to help you open the dialogue and figure out if it’s something you really want to try.
If they bring it up with you
Hearing that your partner wants to try cuckolding can be a shock to the system, especially if your relationship isn’t particularly kinky to start with.
Hear them out and ask questions
Being honest about your desires and sharing that the idea of inviting someone else into your sex life takes some serious courage. You owe it to your partner to hear them out without any judgment.
Your partner may just enjoy the cuckold fantasy or be interested in bringing the fantasy to life.
Asking questions gets you the information you need while also showing them that they can be open with you.
To help spur the conversation, you can ask:
- What is it about cuckolding that turns you on?
- Is this just a fantasy or something you really want to try?
- How far would you want to take this?
- How do you think this will benefit our relationship?
Take time to decide how you feel
Cuckolding requires that you have all the information you need and take time to really consider how you feel. Let them know that you need time to think about it.
If you decide that cuckolding is something you’re interested in exploring, you don’t need to jump into the bullpen right away.
Start by watching cuckolding videos together or sharing a cuckolding fantasy.
If you want to bring it up with them
Take a deep breath and start the conversation without any preconceived expectations or assumptions about how they’ll respond.
Be prepared, though, for the possibility that your partner may not share your enthusiasm.
Even though there’s a chance they won’t be into it, don’t let that stop you from being completely honest.
Be open about why cuckolding turns you on and what you hope to get out of it.
Even if they’re not on board, sharing your desires can open the way for other exploration and kink.
Have all the information
Your partner’s going to have questions, so be prepared to answer them.
Sharing an article or video on cuckolding may help them understand why people do it. You should also be able to offer examples of how you might go about it.
Offer to take it slow
You both need to consent and be comfortable for cuckolding to work. Offer to take things at their pace and continue to ensure they’re still onboard throughout the entire experience.
Whoa! Before starting your search for your bull, you should probably sit down together and decide:
- if one or both of you will choose the bull
- how involved the cuck will get — pillow talk after a rendezvous, to watch, or be part of the action?
Next, it’s time to figure out how you’d like to go about the search. The internet is your best friend here. You can post an ad on Fetlife, try an app like Tinder, or use a niche dating site like AdultFriendFinder or LocalCuckold.
Your profile or listing should be clear and concise so potential bulls know exactly what they’re getting into. Make sure they’re comfortable with the arrangement, all the way to how much the cuck will know or be a part of it.
Like with any other sex act, you need good communication, consent, and respect.
Once you’re both open to cuckolding, you need to set clear boundaries, first with each other and then with your bull.
The same safety rules that apply for online dating or hookups apply here:
- Don’t disclose personal information, like your address or place of business.
- First meetings should always happen in a public place.
- Always have your own transportation to and from your meeting place.
- If going alone, make sure your partner knows where you’ll be and when to expect you back.
- Always have condoms or other barrier methods on hand if sexual intercourse is a possibility.
Sexual contact always carries physical risks like sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. Practice safer sex by using condoms and other barrier methods during any type of sexual contact, including oral sex.
Emotional risk is something else to consider. Even if you’re completely on board at the start, feelings can change at any time. One person may decide they want to stop, the cuck may begin to experience more jealousy than they bargained for, or one or both of the people hooking up could become too attached.
Cuckolding requires complete honesty from everyone involved every step of the way. Communicate frequently to make sure you’re all still on the same page. If anyone is uncomfortable or unsure, or if anything feels off, stop.
If you want to learn more about cuckolding, there’s plenty of reading material available.
Here are some popular book choices:
- “Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them” (Find it online.)
- “When Someone You Love Is Kinky” (Find it online.)
- “Erotic Cuckolding: The Real Guide for Couples” (Find it online.)
There’s also a lot of information on cuckolding on Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s website, Sex and Psychology.
Adrienne Santos-Longhurst is a freelance writer and author who has written extensively on all things health and lifestyle for more than a decade. When she’s not holed-up in her writing shed researching an article or off interviewing health professionals, she can be found frolicking around her beach town with husband and dogs in tow or splashing about the lake trying to master the stand-up paddle board.