Seven years into this thing, I think I am officially experiencing diabetes burnout — in the form of food rebellion, that is.  My numbers have been crap, and I am feeling disgusted with myself. Sound familiar, anyone?

Actually, it was Kelly K's 'food quirks' post over at Diabetesalicousness that got me thinking, I ought to clear my conscience by airing the bold truth about what's going on with me: I feel like I'm officially 'losing it' (and I don't mean weight).

Unlike Kelly, who was diagnosed as a child and feels grateful for the freedom and flexibility that carb-counting has brought to her life, I feel enslaved by it. I noticed that gradually, over this year's Holiday Season in particular, I've started throwing caution to the wind more and more often and indulging in carb-heavy foods I've rarely touched in the years since my diagnosis: crackers, granola, muffins, rice chips, tortilla chips, potato chips and various forms of rice. These items taste GOOD, and I missed them terribly! Do note that in my case, everything now has to be the special gluten-free variety, and having to deal with this incredibly fussy wheat allergy just makes me feel that much more entitled to eat something truly yummy now and then.

I am SO TIRED of watching people around me enjoy pancakes, cupcakes, French Fries, pasta — even something as supposedly healthful as crab cakes, which I can never order in restaurant as they are always doused in flour.  When is it my turn to enjoy yummy foods again? When I'm dead?

But on the flip side, I hate the payoff of enjoying these items: extra pounds (tighter pants) and glucose levels often well over 200. @#$%! It's my own fault. I feel guilty and angry and unimaginably frustrated, but also somehow unable to stop myself, at least for the time being.

Add to the extra carb-punch the fact that I had leg surgery a few weeks ago, and developed an infection in one spot. They had me on antibiotics for 2 weeks. Meanwhile, I've been having a string of Pod problems — occlusion errors and 'bad pods' that stopped delivering insulin after a short time for one reason or another...

So you see, when diabetes things go wrong, they go wrong BIG. It's Murphy's Law. Running really high today? Let's take a wild-ass guess: it could be the infection, the antibiotic meds, that pack of chips you probably carb-counted wrong, or maybe even the fact that your throat's getting sore today so there may be a cold coming on.

It's a big fat guessing game, and I am tired of it. I suppose my current attitude is simply: Why try? I know that's not sustainable; I'm struggling to 'get it together' again.  I hope y'all don't mind my venting, but I figured it might do somebody some good out there to know that we PWDs are all riding the same roller coaster. {insert rebel yell!}


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This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.