Sex Therapist, Marriage Counselor and author Dr. Marty Klein explains what it means if his patients say they do not kiss during intercourse.
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www.EmpowHer.com EmpowHer asks: When your patients say they do not kiss during intercourse, what does that tell you? I think that kissing is a wonderful window into people’s sexual relationships. People say that, “Well, of course intercourse is the most intimate kind sex or genital sex is the most intimate kind of sex.” I’d tell you, after speaking with thousands of patients, I think the most intimate part of sex is kissing. Because after all, people have intercourse with somebody that they're angry with sometimes or people have intercourse with somebody they don’t like so much for various reasons. Can you imagine kissing somebody you don’t like, disgusting, or kissing somebody that you're angry with, awful. So there’s something about kissing that’s really, really intimate and I think what it is that kissing takes place up here where we think we live as opposed to intercourse taking place down there which we can have some sort of psychological distance from. So what I want to know what’s going on with people sexually, I ask them very, very quickly, very soon, “So do you like to kiss? Do you like kiss each other? Do you like to kiss your partner? Do you kiss during sex?” Kissing, when you really involved with kissing somebody, it gets people very, very excited. A lot of people have intercourse or other genital activities before they’re really, really excited. That’s one of the reasons that intercourse can be so boring because people aren’t excited. And people think, “Well, I’m not excited by the way that my partner touches me or looks at me or talks to me or kisses me, but we’ll have intercourse and I’ll get excited from that.” I don’t think so. Intercourse is something that you should you be doing after you get excited, not in order to get excited. So I think kissing is one of those intimate activities where people actually volunteer, they actually choose to throw themselves into a sensual and erotic engagement with somebody else. And when people are hesitant to do that, that’s a real red flag for me and I think if any woman sort of looks over her own experience and she thinks about relationships in which I was enjoying the kissing and relationships in which I sort of wasn’t enjoying the kissing, I think any woman would find that the kissing is really an expression of the whole erotic relationship.