Tools for Listening so That You Always Feel Heard
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Host: What about listening so that you feel heard? Chris Wright: In an argument, there is no listening, when you are in a argument, what should you listen to? I do not have the same pressures, the same needs, the same areas of emptiness inside you. So what you are describing, just does not fit in my world, I can not find it, it s not true what you are saying. So, I won t listen to anymore of this, it s not real and so there is a sense that if you are trying to convince me of something and I am looking here in my world, I do not get it and I what should you listen to? So, the trap is, is that we start having a sense together, when all of this tend to feel this way that there is one reality and that reality explains the situation. So when you are talking and if it does not conform to my reality, then it s just not true. So my reality is so intimate to me, it s so real to me that I can not imagine what you are saying, so I get defensive and there is no listening, there is no getting at. Because I can not find it when I look -- innocently, when I look into my world and I start feeling defensive in the whole situation. But the truth is, there is many different points of view, there is many different realities in every situation, many different interpretations, different takes on the situation, there is not just one. What tends to be is that, these realities coexist, your reality is a legitimate operating system, mine is a legitimate operating system, it s important to recognize that right from upstart that you have a reality, I have a reality and so I want to understand yours and you want to understand mine. What is different about them is their tolerances, each have a different set of tolerances about the consequences of this decision here, whether it goes this way or goes that way. I can not tolerate it when it s going that way, you, it s not a big deal. Back to an example, in the kitchen, say my partner again in the example was a one in the Enneagram, a perfectionist and she calls me in about the crumbs on the counter. Well, she does not have a tolerance as a one, for disorder, for crumbs. For me, it s not a big deal, I am completely tolerant about it and I can t give why it s wrong, what the big problem is about it? So that is what creating the tension, it s our inability to understand or inability to see it, if we recognize that you have an operating system and I fully understand yours now and I see the validity of it from your perspective and you understand mine. Then when you are talking, what sort of argue about, why would we argue, I can see why you see it that way, I can see why you are bothered by that. If I had those pressures, if had those needs, I would be just as bothered as you are. I do not, I am at peace in that area, but I get it now. So there is nothing really to fight about. But people tend not to listen from that point of view of it being a team and understanding their separate operating systems. We tend to listen from our own world, from our own perspective and that is where we get in trouble, that is where we start realizing that no. Everything you are saying and you can watch it when I am talking to the person and they are upset, that you can feel that everything I say they are listening from their world, from their frame and every time there is discrepancy, anything I say, they interrupt me and go, no that is not about it, no. There is no way they are ever going to get it, sitting in their world, there is no way they are going to see, what I am trying to say and why it s important because they can not find it in their world. So it s a trap to stay in the world, it s a trap because what the person is upset about, it s talking to me is valid, given their pressures and their needs and I am never going to find that validity, as long as I keep looking in my world. I need some framework, some tool and what we teach couples is tools that enable me to step out of my world, to expand my world, to incorporate w
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