What is the most important Element or skill in discussing issues?
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Host: What is the most important element or skill in discussing issues? Chris Wright: There is a number of different elements as we talked about and I think maybe the most important is, is looking how to share what this is really about, what is really going on, it is the thing. If something really bothers me, if it really matters to me or if there is a lot of emotional tension, then I want to create a context where we share about this, where we interact about this in a heart-felt way, in sort of a heart-to-heart sharing, I do not like to be just off the cuff. So that is why, I remember one of the principles for resolving conflict, had to do with the right time in the right place. So if it really, really matters to me, I want to make sure that we are going to get to a result, so this thing gets handled. So I usually, have this new discernment about, is this really even though it just happened, is this really the time to bring it up, is this the best place to bring it up. To have the kind of heart felt sharing, that I think it really takes to have the kind of impact on you that would really make for a difference, make for a change. So that becomes important, a lot of the times now when something happens, I bite my tongue and I realize that when we get home tonight or this weekend that will be time for us to sit down and have a heart felt sharing and have so we get some results from this. When I do go to share, for me the whole focus is, I need you to understand what are the pressures, what are the needs, what are the insecurities that are going on inside me, and so I want to share what is this really about, why am I so upset, why am so fragile about this? It does not bother everybody what my partner did, but it really bugs me, so what this really about for me. Mostly people tend to -- it tends to focus on what happened and that maybe insignificant what happened and yet it leads to this whole big thing and many times people can not remember, what it was that triggered that whole thing. So we have this rule, we call it the Ninety-Ten Rule, the Ninety-Ten rule is that, whenever I get upset, whenever there s tension coming up inside me, 10% of the tension is coming from what just happened. I mean, something did happened, did do something, but that 90% of the tension, is coming from something that you are triggering deep inside me, that is fragile, that is wounded, that is whether it s some emptiness for me, whether it s pressure for me. Those tensions, those feelings are coming up and they are completely being projected onto the current situation, projected onto you. So that is really -- it s really about something deeper than the ten, after all, if I did not have the ninety, I did not have these unresolved feelings inside, a ten would just be a ten, whatever you did would be just what you did and we would want to resolve it. But there would not be all this tension coming up. So the truth is I am the one with the problem, I am the one with the inflexibility, I am the one with the insecurity that got triggered, but I tend to focus it on you as a deflection, as a way of avoiding, exposing that fragility, that vulnerability. That asks me to propel over you and deflect it kind of ruse that it s your fault, that you are the one with the problem. So the question again is what is this really about, why am I so upset, what is the insecurity that got triggered. Most people in the interaction don t ever expose that, they do not ever look to discover that, to bring that and put it on the table, instead they just focus on the other person. They either make the other person wrong for being over the top and they maintain being the over the top in what they did or they give their reasons for it, they give reasons that explain why their reality, why what they want is superior or better. But I want to tell you, this is where you get stuck, because your focus is again on the ten, on the current situation and when you unseated me and you are focus
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