Kristin shares how seriously she considered ending her life due to postpartum depression (PPD) and what kept her from acting on this impulse.
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My postpartum depression got so bad that I really—I got to the point where I thought about ending it all. I just couldn’t imagine going on the way I was. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t care for my kids. I certainly couldn’t function as a wife, as a human being. I was just—I’d reached the bottom of this dark pit and I was so alone and no one could help me, no one could get me a magic pill or bring me—or could even reach in that dark pit to pull me out. And when I first contemplated suicide, I was actually in the hospital and this was a second time I was hospitalized for really awful dehydration and they were running more tests on me. And I got a phone call from my dad and he said, “You need to get off your butt and go home and take care of your babies.” And that just crushed me because I knew that people didn’t understand what I was going through. I didn’t even understand what I was going through. I had no idea it was postpartum depression. I’ve never heard of it. But to know that my dad didn’t understand, that he thought I was doing this on purpose killed me, just killed me. I had not self-esteem at that point anyway. And so when I was discharged, I went home. I really thought about just ending it all. And the thing that kept me was I remember the moment I laid out my daughter on the bed and I was changing her diaper, and I just looked at her eyes and I thought I can’t do it. I have to be here for her and I’ve got to figure out how to pick myself up. And I was really lucky because a nurse came up to me at one point and said, “You know, I think you might have postpartum depression.” And I said, “What is that? Why do you think that?” And she said, “Because you’re so sick and you just had this baby, and I really think this is what you have. You need to read this book.” And she told me about a book called The Postpartum Survival Guide by Ann Dunnewold. So I went out to Barnes & Noble somehow and bought the book. And when I opened the pages, there was my life.