6th Principle: Is This the Setting to Really Resolve This?
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Host: What are the six principles for conscious conflict resolution? Chris Wright: The six basic principles in conscious conflict resolution is, is this really the best time and place to resolve this? This is important. This is key. Whenever somebody triggers me, let’s say my partner triggers me, the first thought in my mind, is this the most effective time and place to really resolve this so that my needs get responded too and met. That’s key and most of the time now it’s not. I realize that I have an opportunity to choose whether it is or not and I can see how if it really matters to me. I really want to sit the person down and have a heartfelt conversation, one that really has an impact on them. So, they really get what this is about so we get results out of it that will be important for me. It maybe that it is the time, but at least now I have new distinction, that I can choose as to whether it is or not. The reason I can have that distinction is because the tools that we teach, that create the emotional safety for me to share my needs, what it is like to be in my shoes are so clean that it really allows the person to stay open and have a major impact. So, now knowing that I can get through to my partner, that I can really have an impact, I want to think. Do I want to say this is a walking into his office party, something that bugged me, do I want to say this in a situation where we really can’t resolve it. I am glad to have that distinction. Here is how it breaks down, here is how it works. When my partner does something that triggers me, it brings up agitation, it brings up frustration, it hurts my feelings and all that tensions comes up And it is like biologically, what happens is it builds up pressure inside. Similar to the bladder, a sense to body expands to this pressure and you can feel this pressure, this need biologically to discharge it, to discharge this excess of toxic energy, so to speak. So, there gets this is a kind like, I am wanting to say you because you triggered me. So, ends up having is, a lot of the reasons that I’m saying it right now is simply to vent, to get it of my chest because the pressure built up so much inside. It’s not because that’s really an effective time or place to really get the kind of results that I’m looking for. The second reason that we tend to bring it out, that the pressure builds up, is that there a sense inside, if I am feeling this much of discomfort I want you to feel this much discomfort. So, I’m going to get you to experience what you did to me in a way. So, I’m just sort of sense of dumping my tension, and so you too, you can feel as uncomfortable as I am feeling. Both are understandable, but the truth is that what happens when the partner feels dumped on with this tension coming out him, whether they are being blamed, they’re shamed or criticized. People have amazing effectiveness and ability to become defensive and put up a wall and it doesn’t actually go in. It doesn’t have an impact. Thus for years, married couples have been arguing about certain things and it never has changed the person at all. Never went in, that they have the ability to put up a wall, a ding-ding and it never really affects them. So, if this is an important item to me. I would interact in a way that creates emotional safety that I can monitor to make sure that you are staying open. So, this is actually having an impact on you what I’m sharing in heartfelt way, so that you really get it, so that we can come up with solutions that taking account, how important this is for me. So that becomes basis for deciding now, is this the right time or not knowing that I have an alternative. I have frame works and we do have a good time and place that I can share these. That makes a difference for me. It may be that I do want to bring upright now, but that will have the maximum impact. But now at least I have a distinction, so I can decide. What that means is if it isn’t going to be the best or most ef