Dan and Jenn give some practical advice on how to deal with jealousy for people who want to swing with their partner.
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Ask Dan & Jennifer Sex, Love and Dating Advice From the Most Popular Couple Online Dan: Swinging. How to get pass jealousy? The biggest question there. How would one be able to get pass her own jealousy. So a girl is wondering how she could get pass her jealously issues to enjoy swinging? Will I be Jealous after Swinging? Jennifer: That’s a big one. Okay, that’s probably the biggest thing anybody has to face when their swinging or considering it, right? “I’m so jealous and possessive, what do I do?” Dan: They’re talking about sex with other people. Jennifer: Yes, that’s a big one. Dan: Another girl, another guy, another couple? Jennifer: If you have any insecurities, swinging and opening up your bedroom will definitely bring them out. But I mean, okay, so what is jealousy, right? Jealousy is your overactive imagination. Okay, it takes control, “Oh my god, what if this happens? What if that happens? What if he does this? What if he thinks that? What if she does that? How? Dan: Living out of fear, okay, that’s what it is. You're living out of fear and insecurities. Jennifer: And what ifs. Right, jealousy is nothing more than a “What if?” Dan: And you're basically experiencing the “What ifs?” and the fear and as if it’s this stuff really happen by living that ways. No good. Jennifer: Yes and you got to be careful with things like jealousy and fear based emotions because if that’s all your thinking about or your fears and your insecurities, believe it or not, you’re more likely to make them happen. One, because we actually believe that you can make things happen by focusing on it, but another thing is you are going to behave differently that you would if you are confident and secure. And most people don’t want to be around somebody that’s jealous, and clingy and whiny and insecure, right? That’s just not a fun person to be around. Dan: Yes, so whether or not you believe it, whether you focus on those, fact is just be the kind of person that you want to be around. Jennifer: Yes, so how do you overcome jealousy? Dan: I don’t know. Jennifer: How does she overcome jealousy? Dan: Well, perhaps they can be really open and honest with each other like we always say. Jennifer: That’s a big one. Dan: And share expectations and set those ground rules from the beginning and go into it slowly, very, very slowly. You know, especially people wanting to try something like this like a threesome with another girl, with another guy. Jennifer: You’re fidgeting there. You're fidgeting, he’s like organizing all the cards and it’s a— Dan: That’s why, it’s an OCD. Jennifer: You're not even reading the cards so I’m not going to take that. Dan: I never read the cards. They were crooked. Anyway, what the hell was I saying? People get into this stuff that a lot of them have this perception that you know, you go to a swinger club and there’s this mass orgy or everyone has sex with everything that moves and with the furniture. Jennifer: And some do. Dan: And some do, but generally it’s not like that. Some of this place, most of these places are tamer than most of the college clubs. Jennifer: Yes. Dan: You know, I mean, the only difference being that you know if somebody’s bust flops out, you know nobody freaks out. Jennifer: Agreed. Okay, so overcoming jealousy, okay, it requires patience, open communication like Dan was talking about and an understanding of your triggers. You’ve got to understand what makes you jealous and then take a step back and go, “Why does that make me feel jealous?” So my suggestion was actually sit down and write down everything that makes you feel jealous. Is it something that your partner does? Is it something that someone else does? Is it—nobody did anything but for some reason you’re jealous, right? You're feeling these feelings because you got to understand what causes them and the next thing you have to do is recognize that these feelings of fear is left over way, way, way back from our reptilian brain and it’s a fi