Dr. John Gray answers how to to cope with post-deployment sex Problems.
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Ask Your Tango with Dr. John Gray Dr John Gray: Hi, I’m Dr John Gray with Ask Your Tango, answering your love and relationship questions. Userayon: I’m having post deployment sex problems. My boyfriend recently got back from a 7-month deployment. Before he left, we had fantastic sex life. Now that he’s back; it’s as if his libido is gone. I’ve tried to initiate it many times but he’s made it clear that he’s tired or not in the mood. Is this at all normal or should I be worried? Dr John Gray: What I want you to know first of all, his lack of interest in you sexually have nothing to do with whether he loves you. There’s the love part of the brain is different from the sex part of the brain. And the sex part of the brain has to deal with the part of the brain that produces dopamine and when you're in the war zone, when he’s in the danger zone all the time it’s like being on cocaine all that time. He’s gotten used to the high levels of stimulation and so normal levels of stimulation are not enough. This is a problem that he has, it’s a problem that most of our soldiers returning have. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and it doesn’t mean you can’t solve the problem. So one of the things as far as the bedroom goes is don’t push him, because if you’d make demands, there’s nothing more powerful to turn the man off than making sexual demands when he’s not in the mood, just makes him more tired. So what do you do to solve this, what you can do is say to him, “Honey, I love so much and tonight I’m just going to be thinking about you when we go to bed and if I’m going to be touching myself. And if you want to sleep that’s fine, or if you want to join in at any time, you can.” Now this is very interesting because if you're touching yourself, stimulating yourself while he’s nearby, as you get closer to having a climax, your body will start producing a lot pheromones. These pheromones will stimulate dopamine in his brain. The closer you are to climax, the closer the pheromones are indicating to produce high amounts of dopamine similar to a drug. So suddenly he’ll wake up and let him know that if ever he wants to join in and do the honors, which means he can roll over and have intercourse with you before you have your climax or even after you have your climax. Just let him know that that’s fine. This will help awaken his sexuality once again and you can also help recondition him to come back into the world where there’s not danger all the time and help adjust him. If you really want to do the right therapy it should be about every 2 days you're touching yourself and you’re having this climax and you're reawakening his dopamine centers and his attachment towards you rather than fight or flight. Got a question you want answered, go to YourTango.com/questions.