2nd Principle: No More Criticizing or Blaming!
Read the full transcript »
Host: What is the second principle for conscious conflict resolution? Chris Wright: The second principle in conscious conflict resolution is no more criticizing and blaming. Let me say it again, no more criticizing and blaming. I mean, really if you put yourself in your partner’s shoes for whatever happened it would make complete sense to you what shows up. If you extend yourself out of your frame and put yourself in their frame, if you ever sense of the pressures that are going on for them, you would make complete sense what they did. It makes sense to them. In fact, when you know they are Enneagram type, people of the Enneagram type that’s what they do. With his Enneagram or her Enneagram type, with the way they were brought up, with the way things have gone in their week so far, it makes absolute sense, why they do, what they do. So when you understand that how can you blame them, how can you get in an argument, it makes complete sense what they did and so understanding is a key component to seeing and relating to, what goes on for other people and it keeps you from having conflicts unnecessarily. The second reason that people tend to get criticized or blamed is because what happens with the other person is done. He is triggered some pressures inside me, some insecurities in me, some frustrations in my personality, some needs that aren’t met and that agitates me and so I become critical to that person who triggered it. But really if I didn’t have those pressures inside me, if I didn’t have those needs, it wouldn’t be a problem. I mean, there’s many things that my partner does that I recognize, this is in perfections or he is over the top but they don’t bother me, it s like, “Yeah, he does that, no big deal.” The only ones that bother me, the only ones I want to criticize him for are the ones that push my buttons, that trigger my stuff and if I didn’t have my stuff, I wouldn’t have the frustration, the criticism or the shame in or the blaming. And so who is really the source of the problem here, who is the source of the tension, who is the one with the insecurities that are getting triggered and so really both people have the part to play but I have to recognize, when I am criticizing someone I need to take responsibility and in own the pressures I have instead of projecting them on to my partner.