5th Principle: Both Person's Needs Matter!
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Host: What is the fifth principle for conscious conflict resolution? Chris Wright: The fifth basic principle in conscious conflict resolution is both needs matter. Both of your needs are important. They both matter in the relationship. Usually it’s not that way, usually in a relationship as you move through a honeymoon phase, you start to have this sense of lobbying for your needs. So that’s what becomes important and you can tell that and in the argument you can sense that the other person is not at all been honoring of my needs. They are only looking out for themselves and that makes us even more for having to fight to get our needs across to the partner. So the question is why are your needs more important than mine? Why are your pressures more important than mine? Why are mine more important than yours? The truth is we made a commitment to be a team. When we committed to being life partners, the whole commitment is based on that your well being and your needs are as important as mine, that I’m going to put as much attention on taking care of your well being and your needs as I am to mine and you the same way and that’s what makes us as a team. That’s what our vow towards each other is. That is really the basis of the successful relationship, because I want your needs to be met. This deep core personality needs so that you feel happy and fulfilled, so your heart stays open. We don’t want to have that to fight for our needs in the relationship, not understanding these different operating systems; it didn’t make sense your needs. So of course, I would try to get mine in there and fight, but now I understand you have a coherent, distinct set of needs and that all makes sense to me now. So whenever we sit down, when there is any pressure or tension, we want to have a heartfelt conversation and right from the beginning the frame is, how can we make this work for both of us, there is no reason to argue, there is no reason for any either of us to start becoming aggressive, to try to get “No, my needs are most important.” No, both needs matter and so when we have that frame of reference, our whole orientation now is to find creative ways, very creative ways that would work for you and work for me. It changes the whole relationship when you come into it, always having a sense of security and trust that both of us come from, both needs matter.