Tips for More Satisfying Sex

Tips for More Satisfying Sex

It all starts with the tapes. You know, the ones that play in your head—the ones you picked up from your parents or teachers, or even on YouTube. The ones that say sex goes downhill as you age, or oral sex is bad, or that you have to do it like Carrie and Big from Sex and the City for sex to be good. "We get these rules taped into our heads," says Mary Jo Rapini, a licensed psychotherapist and sexual health counselor at the Methodist Weight Management Center in Houston. Those rules, she says, can keep us from having a happy, healthy sex life.

We went to Rapini and other experts to find out what sexual rules women often set up for themselves, and how you can break them for good—and for your own pleasure.

Some common rules you may recognize:

• I have to be perfect. Women get hung up on perfection, says Susan Kellogg, Ph.D., Director of Sexual Medicine at The Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute of Philadelphia. "We think we have to have our hair washed, our legs shaved. Really, our lovers just want to be with us."

• He should take the lead. "It’s easy to think the guy should take charge in bed," says Genie James, M.M.Sc., executive director of the National Hormone Institute and coauthor of the upcoming book  In the Mood Again. "The truth is, most men love sex, but they’re not always that creative," she adds.

• Sex takes too much time, and I need my sleep. "Sex doesn’t have to compete with sleep," Kellogg says. When we see sex portrayed in movies, we think it has to be a huge production, she explains. In reality it takes just 7 to 15 minutes for the average couple to make love. There’s nothing wrong with that, Kellogg says. "Those minutes can be very well spent."

• Orgasms should be like fireworks every time. Often, they’re a "nice, gentle roll," Rapini says.

How to break the rules:

• Get comfortable with yourself. Sit down naked with a mirror and look at yourself objectively, Rapini suggests. "A lot of [sexual issues] have to do with body image," she says. Again, it’s not about perfection. "You have to replace those old negative tapes with positive ones," Rapini says.

• Tell him what you want. Better yet, show him. "Sometimes you have to take things into your own hands—literally," jokes James. She says of the couples she’s interviewed, many say that showing each other where they want to be touched, rather than trying to put it in words, is much less intimidating—not to mention more fun.

• Become the master of your domain. "A lot of women have been told not to masturbate," says Rapini. "You have to touch yourself to know what feels good."

• Be creative.  Think  Star Trek, and "boldy go where no man has gone before," says James. Don’t be afraid to try a new vibrator or sex toy—as long as you’re keeping things safe, it’s OK to experiment.

• Remember to laugh. Let’s face it—sex can be pretty funny. "You have to keep a sense of humor," says James, who at 49, says she and her husband, near 60, are having the best sex of their lives. "Sometimes we’ll look at a position in a book and say, hey, we may do yoga, but there’s no way we’re flexible enough for that. And then we laugh about it."