Anticipatory Grief: Preparing... Video Transcript

Participants

, Benyamin Cirlin CSW, Lisa Clark , Patricia Donovan-Du RN, Gabrielle Morris MD

Summary

If someone close to you is nearing the end of his or her life you know that this can be a challenging and confusing time for everyone involved. What are "normal" feelings and behaviors during this period? What can you do to prepare yourself for your relative or friend's death?

Webcast Transcript

LISA CLARK: I'm Lisa Clark. Welcome, and thank you for joining us for this webcast. It is an inevitable fact of life and an event most of us will have to deal with many times. We're talking about the death of a loved one, a family member or a friend. Despite the fact that we all know death is a universal occurrence, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it happens to someone close to us. For the next few minutes we will explore the emotional impact of anticipatory grief, when you have to deal with the certain knowledge that someone you care about is going to die.

Joining our discussion this evening is Benyamin Cirlin. He is a clinical social worker and he is the executive director of the Center for Loss and Renewal in New York City. He is also the coordinator of bereavement services at Jacob Perlow Hospice of the Beth Israel Medical Center. Welcome, Benyamin.

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: It's good to be here.

LISA CLARK: Also joining us is Patricia Donovan-Duff. She is a registered nurse, and she is the director of the Bereavement Center of Westchester. Patricia , you've also done a lot of hospice care, as well. Thank you for joining us as well.

Although we all understand rationally that death is an inevitable event, you believe that it is still a surprising event for people. Why is that? I'll start with you, Benyamin.

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: I think most people tend to live with what some writers have called an "illusion of invulnerability." We like to live with the sense that we're going to go on forever, because the truth of the matter is to come to terms with the fact that we're going to die creates a lot of anxiety. It's more easy to live and to go on expecting that you're just going to go on forever. We all believe that if we behave correctly, that if we walk on the right side of the street, everything's going to be all right, until some time we walk across on that green light and then someone goes through a red light, and then death enters the picture.

LISA CLARK: Exactly. If I may oversimplify just a bit, there are two courses death might take: either an accident, as you refer to, a sudden catastrophic event -- a heart attack, say -- or a lengthy process, a terminal illness or the aging process. From the point of view of a family member or friend, is one of those easier to deal with than the other? I'll ask you, Patricia .

Patricia DONOVAN-DUFF, RN: I think that you'd get answers in both corners. I think that people who have are dealing with a sudden loss would say maybe that it would have been harder to deal with the saying-goodbye process. The good part about maybe having some anticipation of the loss is to begin to get ready for it. I think what you said before -- that no matter when it happens it's still a surprise -- I think that's where the similarity is even if it's a sudden loss versus an anticipated loss, say in a hospice programs. When the death actually happens it still is somewhat of a surprise and you're not ready for it.

LISA CLARK: During the '70s, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross had a very popular theory about the five stages of death, those being denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. Are there similar steps in the grieving process?

Patricia DONOVAN-DUFF, RN: I think she would call them phases, not stages or steps, because it's not a linear process in grieving. It's definitely a rollercoaster kind of experience. It's not that you finish with one phase and move on to the next one. You can retreat back and forth.