Adult Orphans: Coping With th... Video Transcript

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The truth is that not only in this case, say, the woman is suffering the loss, the husband and the kids have their own loss, namely, not only the loss of the grandmother or the grandfather, but also the loss of the mom as she was. So everybody's dealing with their own set of losses, primary losses and secondary losses.

LISA CLARK: But you also think that there is a lot to be learned and a lot of personal growth that can be achieved by processing these feelings and by assuming this new role in your life?

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: Absolutely. First of all, many people don't have good relationships with their parents. I've worked with a lot of people who have found their parents to be extreme critics, and they're always defending against that criticism. They've found when that critical person has died, there are feelings of sadness. They might have some feelings of ambivalence. But they also feel, "You know what? I can now go ahead with my live and do it without that criticism." There's a sense of relief. That's a feeling in grief that many people feel guilty about, relief.

LISA CLARK: Precisely, because you're not supposed to admit that sort of feeling. But it's a healthy, natural expression.

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: It's part of the grief picture.

LISA CLARK: I think people are becoming more comfortable with expressing grief, but there still is a tendency to either want to keep your pain private or to medicate. But you say that that's not a good idea.

PATTY DONOVAN-DUFF, RN: Unless people are not functioning, getting out of bed in the morning and not able to go to work when they have to go to work to support their family. The pain is a very important part of the grieving process. It is part of the healing process. That's why if you can have people around you while you're in that pain, supporting you -- that's the purpose of the support groups and the people who are bereavement counselors. I feel that we're just a support, we're there, people who listen and care and understand as people go down their grieving.

LISA CLARK: How useful are coping mechanisms like creating a ritual or having private conversations with someone who has died? Are those useful?

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: Absolutely. In spite of the fact that I work with talk therapy, I help people make artistic creation; finding ways to ritualize, to memorialize. A very important thing that people don't pay enough to attention to is that grieving is not about forgetting. It's about finding a different place in your heart for the person.

LISA CLARK: That's a key consideration.

R. BENYAMIN CIRLIN, CSW: Right. The bond continues. It's about loving, not someone who's present, but someone who's absent.

LISA CLARK: I can't thank both of you enough. This has been a very illuminating conversation. As I've noted, it's a process that we will all have to go through at some point in our lives. I appreciate you being here, Benyamin and Patty. Thank you very much. Thank all of you for tuning in. I'm Lisa Clark.

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