Quitting smoking is no easy task. Learn to laugh along with your struggle.
1. Someone suggested that you try baby carrots when you're having a craving, which is clearly ridiculous. You can't smoke a carrot.
2. Finding out that the smokers’ helpline isn’t there to take cigarette delivery orders.
3. It’s time for bed and you feel like your day never started because you didn’t have a morning smoke.
4. Is there anything better than a cigarette with a cup of coffee? Is there?!?!
5. Two days after quitting, if someone said, "Pick one: A cigarette or incredible sex, right now,” it would be the toughest decision of your life.
6. Phantom cigarette: The sensation that a missing cigarette is still attached to your lips.
7. When you set a date to quit smoking, it quickly devolves into a rough approximation of the month in which you might start to consider thinking about quitting.
8. The pact you made with a friend to quit together means you have to turn on ninja mode anytime you sneak a cigarette.
9. Hello, health. Goodbye, James Dean-level coolness.
10. After you quit, each day feels like a sentence without —
11. You heard that nicotine may slow the progression of Alzheimer's, and you rationalize that it's actually better for your health to smoke.
12. One of the reasons you started smoking was to impress some cool older kids. The worst part is, it probably worked.
13. Another reason you started is that your mother always told you not to. So yeah, Mom, it kind of is your fault!
14. When the guy at work suggests that you write down your feelings every time you crave a cigarette, all that comes out on paper is: "This guy is driving me crazy."
15. When you try to replace cigarettes with gum or a lollipop, you realize you're suddenly the weirdo with the lollipop.
16. Stress makes you want to smoke. Feeling tired makes you want to smoke. Hearing that it will rain in two weeks makes you want to smoke.
17. You wear so many nicotine patches that you've started looking like a mummy.
18. When your doctor tells you that you should quit, you begin to think that you really ought to find a different doctor.
19. Nicotine gum is just like regular gum, except it comes with side effects like dizziness and nausea.
20. You calculate how much money you’re saving by quitting, over and over again.
21. While flipping through a pamphlet on how to quit smoking, you start fantasizing about smoking the pamphlet.
22. You start jogging to keep yourself from smoking but soon discover that you can jog and smoke at the same time.
23. What do non-smokers do after a nap? After vacuuming? After doing anything?
24. You know what's delightful after a good hard workout? Don’t say a cigarette. Don’t say a cigarette.
25. You openly declare to friends that you're going to quit. Then you try to convince them that they must have dreamed it when they catch you smoking a week later.
26. Instead of lighting a cigarette, you light a candle or some incense. Now it looks like you're living in a romance novel.
27. You've tried hypnosis to quit. You still smoke, but now you also quack like a duck whenever anyone says "button.”
28. Friends have found you staring longingly at used cigarette butts on the ground.