pregnant woman outside

1. “Wow, you’re so small!”

I know you mean that in a complimentary way, but all I hear is, “Wow, are you sure your baby is okay?” Which leads me to freak out about the size of my baby and start Googling whether my baby is okay. And that never ends well.

2. “Wow, you’re so big!”

I don’t care if I blow up like the Goodyear Blimp. Keep it to yourself. I am pregnant. Being pregnant tends to make a girl gain a little bit of weight.

3. “Was it a surprise?”

Well, no. By my age, I hope I am smart enough to have figured out the whole birth control thing. Plus, I really don’t want to divulge to you whether this was premeditated or the accidental result of a quickie in the backseat of my boyfriend’s Mustang.

4. “Can I touch your belly?”

No. But since you asked and didn’t just go for it, I will let you live. You’re welcome.

5. “Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”

I am hoping for a baby. That is my only real pony in this pregnancy race. Oh, and maybe a pony. I am hoping for a pony too.

6. “You know: It’s really 10 months.”

You know: It’s really annoying when people point that out.

7. “Well, when I was pregnant…”

Lemme just stop you there, sister. I am going through this like I’m the only person who has even been pregnant in the history of the earth. So I don’t want to hear about your negligible weight gain or horrendous hemorrhoids.

8. “Have you picked out a name yet?”

Yes, but I don’t want to know if you dated someone with the same name in high school and that they broke your heart or whatever, so let’s just go with “No."

9. “You really shouldn’t eat/drink/do that when you’re pregnant.”

You really shouldn’t give a pregnant woman advice. I could sit on your face and smother you to death.

10. “Well, elephants are pregnant for 22 months, so you don’t have it that bad.

*Blank stare followed by me walking away*

11. “Are you sure it isn’t twins?”

Well, when that leprechaun under the bridge held a rock over my belly and told me there was only one, I believed him. But apparently you have some sort of sixth sense about these things, so I will have him check again.

12. “By the way you’re showing, I bet you’re having…”

A puppy. How did you guess!?

13. “Do you plan on breastfeeding?”

Thanks for asking, but I really don’t want to discuss the future state of my nipples with you, weird lady from accounting.

14. “Are you going to quit your job when the baby comes?”

Thanks for setting women back a century by asking that. Now please excuse me while I fetch my master his slippers.

15. “Sleep now because you will never sleep again.”

This person is dead now.

16. “Enjoy your life while you still can.”

I know, right? This ball and chain in my belly is about to make an appearance and ruin EVERYTHING.

17. “Are you going to have a natural birth?”

No. I plan on being higher than Willie Nelson when I’m bearing down. God put someone on this planet smart enough to invent the epidural and I am surely going to take advantage of that invention while I try to push a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon.

18. “I thought you didn’t want kids!”

Yes. Based solely on that conservation we had 10 years ago while wasted at a frat party, that is totally true. I am such a liar.

19. “Good luck. My labor was terrible.”

Thanks for sharing. Because it’s not like I’m going to have to go through it anytime soon or anything, or that I constantly wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night fearing that I’m going to poop on the table.

20. “Aren’t you a little young/old to have a baby?”

*insert sounds of crickets here*

21. “You’re still pregnant?”