So you’ve looked at your financial situation,
your career path, you’ve toyed with the idea of moving to a new neighborhood
near a brand new school, and you’ve even decided to get rid of the sports car
for a more comfortable sedan. And now you’re pregnant.
You’ve survived the first difficult months of
morning sickness, the bloating, the aversions, the cramping, the hormones… it
should be smooth sailing from there, right?
Unless you are one of the few women whose
doctor has prescribed bed rest.
I know, for most tired mothers-to-be, bed rest
sounds AWESOME. But taking it easy for more than a few days actually poses some
serious depression or anxiety risks. Fortunately, you can make your time
in bed more enjoyable and productive.
1. Take a Sharpie and draw a dot on
your belly wherever you feel your baby move. Connect the dots at the end of the
2. Leave the window open and try
to catch any incoming flies with chopsticks, Mr. Miyagi style.
3. Knit a hat for your belly, draw
a face on it, take pictures, and immediately post on all your social media
4. Practice hair-dos that take
less than a minute, because it’s actually the amount of time you will have when
the baby is born. For extra realistic effect, perform on greasy hair that
hasn’t been washed in a while.
Purchase a lasso and practice
the art of roping with various objects, including your other kids, pets, and partner.
6. Build yourself a pillow fort
and make unreasonable demands as Queen of the Castle.
7. Practice throwing dirty wipes
in the garbage can from various distances. Learn to understand and accept your
limits for future reference.
8. Test your mattress and learn
its weak or noisy spots. It will come in handy when the time comes to become a
ninja and escape your bed without waking up your baby.
9. Go on Facebook and like
everyone’s pictures from 2007. Sit back and watch the awkwardness unfold.
10. Take some time to get better
acquainted with Netflix. Make no mistake, it will be your only friend at 4 a.m.
11. Empty the 1,008,478,373 items from your Amazon shopping cart.
12. Send anonymous letters to your partner
at work by cutting letters out of magazines, and blame them for everything
you’re going through.
13. Take the time to learn all the
names of Disney Princesses or Star Wars characters.
14. Watch an episode of Caillou and
promise yourself to never let your kid suffer through the pain you just
15. Build finger puppets of each
member of your extended family and practice telling them why the way you are
choosing to raise your children is none of their business.
16. Throw grapes in your sleeping partner’s
mouth and develop your Heimlich skills on them. Repeat weekly to keep sharp.
17. Pretend you are going into labor
and call your partner at work while simultaneously ordering pizza online. If
the pizza guy makes it before your partner, launch heavy guilt trip software.
18. Stay away from scissors. You
might get bored and you might get bangs.
19. Record and watch several
episodes of Jeopardy. Make your partner feel stupid when you watch it again together
and know all the answers.
20. Purchase a drone and learn to
operate it. Freak out your partner when you text them that they should not have
run that red light.
21. Purchase a live chicken and try
to dress it up and cover its exposed parts with sunscreen. It’s as close to the
real thing as it gets.
22. Gather mementos of why you love
your partner and hide them underneath your mattress. It will come in handy in
the future as a reminder of why you shouldn’t kill them when they are soundly
asleep at 2 a.m. while you are taking care of a screaming baby.
23. Draw a circle and throw the
contents of a bag of Skittles in the air. You are allowed to eat whatever falls
inside the circle. Repeat until all candy is eaten. Size of circle may vary
depending on your mood.