1. Me: Chuck E. Cheese isn't open, honey.
Daughter: Then why are there cars in the lot?
Me: The robots probably have band practice.

chuck e cheese


2. That candy is rotten, despite what you've witnessed me eat.

rotten candy


3. The "elf goblins" are watching. But, are they really? Because now I'm scared.

elf goblins


4. The mountains are that high because they're trying to get away from the sound of bad kids in the backseat.

backseat noise


5. If you touch the items on the shelf at the grocery store, the germs bite you and eat your nutrients.

germs


6. Wear whatever you want to church. Nobody will judge you!

judgement


7. Nothing in the ocean will hurt you.

ocean


8. You're all grown up now!

grown up


9. Kids that don't take baths are given to witches as payment for their societal banishment.

baths


10.  They picked the best Chuck E. Cheese robots and formed One Direction.

one direction


11.  There's not a shop called Justice. You're thinking of court. And no, we cannot go there.

justice


12.  My Little Pony is a very dangerous cult.

my little pony


13.  *Pulling in McDonald's drive-thru* This is a one-time thing, kids!

mcdonalds


14.  One time I didn't do my homework, and the teacher made me do a one-man musical of “Annie Get Your Gun” in front of the whole school.

homework


15.  School dances are super fun, and not at all detrimental to your popularity status.

school dances


16.  We're not allowed to go on vacation during odd years.

vacations


17.  They changed that vacation law to even years…I don’t care where your best friend is going!

vacation


18.  My band almost made it.

band


19.  Free puppies are too expensive for us.

free puppies


20.  Dora was fired for being a terrible explorer. I know, I was surprised, too.

dora the explorer


21. Dreams do come true!

dreams do come true


Patrick McLellan

Patrick is a comedian and writer from Houston, Texas. He’s been published in multiple magazines and websites and nominated for both literary and comedy awards.