Holiday dinners aren’t usually healthy. But holiday gifts can be. And we don’t mean you have to put kale in everyone’s stocking. That can’t possibly smell good.

Nourishing, novel, and questionably necessary, here are 12 last-minute gift ideas for all those health-conscious people on your holiday list.

Scientific Testicle Self-Examination, $152 on Amazon

testicle kit

A lifelike teaching model, complete with two lumps in the left testicle to simulate “pathological findings.”

WHY

It comes with a very chic carrying case for those who are hesitant to walk around with an exposed fake testicle in public. So really there’s no reason not to buy this.

FOR

Any man in your life, particularly the hypochondriac who’s convinced his laptop has given him testicular cancer.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"When I am in line at the grocery store I just whip out this handy little bugger and squeeze away…the line around me just disappears…what an effective little doo dad!”

"I certainly can't find a better way to spend a hundred and sixty five bucks than on a rubber scrotum. Hell, at that price they're practically giving them away! You'd have to be NUTS not to buy one! Now I can take a break from squeezing my own scrotum constantly and give the little bugger a breather. Take the plunge folks, coz you're sure to have a BALL with it!”

More reviews here.


Banana Slicer, $3.59 on Amazon

banana slicer

Like an apple corer, but for bananas, which don’t have cores. It slices your fruit in one quick motion.

WHY

Slicing a banana takes a lot of work. First you have to take out a knife. Then you have to slice, anywhere between five and 10 times, depending on the size of the banana and/or the size of the slices you want. And what if you don’t have a knife around? A chainsaw won’t work. That’s far too messy. A shotgun is too loud.

FOR

People who want to eat healthier. People who don’t have any clean knives in their kitchen.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"This product is awesome...it use to take me about 10 seconds to slice up a banana..now it only takes less than 5...what a time saver.”

"A huge improvement over the 471 model. I can slice 11 bananas in the time it used to take to slice 7. I'd give it 5 stars if it could be adapted to use on hot dogs.”

More reviews here.


Tuscan Whole Milk, $75 on Amazon

gallon of milk

One whole gallon of milk, straight from Tuscany New York.

WHY

Depending on whom you ask, milk is great for your bones or destined to kill you. Anyway you pour it, the white stuff is a good source of calcium. And according to the NIH, calcium helps with vascular contraction and vasodilation, muscle function, nerve transmission, and intracellular signaling! So if you want your cellphone to get good service, drink up.

FOR

People stressed out over bad cell phone reception, and anyone who needs more calcium in their diet.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"This was by far the freshest milk I have ever tasted. It still had that 'new milk smell.' I poured some in strategic spots in my house and car, so I can enjoy the smell for weeks to come.”

"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”

More reviews here.


The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank, $19,999 on Amazon

Last Minute Gifts

A fully functional armored tank that seats up to five and can reach a max speed of 40 mph. It also comes with a PA system, in case you need to warn someone that a 1,100-pound tank is barreling toward them.

WHY

It’s like joining the army, but way less taxing. Also: Thousands of Americans die every year from car crashes, so it’s important to protect yourself. So what if that protection costs more than a Honda Civic? At least it has a 400-watt sound system.

FOR

Hypochondriacs and anyone who’s certain the apocalypse is nigh.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"This tank R-O-C-K-S! Literally- the 400-watt sound-system keeps me rockin like a crazy man as I'm dishing out justice commando style. Wow. I just can't say enough. And the kids love it, too- imagine the look of terror in the eyes of the enemy as I'm dropping off my kid's team to their soccer game. Shock and awe, my friends, SHOCK AND AWE!”

"…seal the interior and place the Badonkadonk over a large fire pit and you have instant hot tub.That saved me about $10k on a hot tub purchase.”

More reviews here.


The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats, $362 on Amazon

wooden toilet seat

A 142-page analysis of the latent demand for wood toilets in Greater China.

WHY

Because everyone deserves to own at least one $362 book about wooden toilets.

FOR

People with digestive issues, and anyone with ADHD who needs help concentrating on one subject for way too much time.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"I must say that I was not equally enchanted with the movie version of this. While I normally like Samuel L. Jackson, I just did not think he was able to pull off Mei-Zhen, Xiao's older sister. Also, some of the funnier moments in the written version just did not come through on screen. I will add that the sequel to this "The Chinese Wood Toilet Seat that Kicked the Hornet's Nest" was not anywhere near the caliber and of the seminal first work.”

"It's great, but I'm taking off one star because the companion compendium, The 2009-2014 Outlook for Steel Toilet Covers in Lesser China, is not yet available.”

More reviews here.


5 LB Bag of Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears, $136 on Amazon

gummy bears

An enormous bag of sugar-free gummy bears that’s also glucose and lactose free!

WHY

Ring in a sweet new year without destroying your teeth in the process. But be warned: One of the ingredients, Lycasin, can act as powerful laxative.

FOR

People who can’t or don’t want to eat sugar, and anyone who’s constipated, apparently.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"Couldn't take a dump for weeks... Read the review on these guys and ordered a pack. Ate about 5 of them last night.. It is 10am next morning right now and I am still emptying myself on the toilet.”

"I once brought these on an airplane and handed them out to all the passenger's then sat back while listening to flight of the valkyries as all hell broke loose around me."

More reviews here.


Stop Smoking Ear Seed Kit & Stainless Steel Tweezers, $16 on Amazon

ear seeds

Place these seeds from the Vaccaria plant inside your ear along pressure points to relieve the desire to smoke and detoxify the body. Plus tweezers!

WHY

If nicotine gum, hypnosis, carrot sticks, and those super classy e-cigs don't work out, you'll probably be so desperate that you'd be willing to explain to your friends why you have seeds stuck in your ear.

FOR

Your loved ones who just can't seem to kick the habit and have little to no shame.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"For starters, the idea of ear 'seeds' kinda of weirded me out, but as a smoker, like most smokers, I am desperate to try anything.”

"I have gotten a little loopy since I put it in a few days ago. But overall I think it is a great product and it is natural!"

More reviews here.


Sleep Apnea Chin Strap, $19.99 on Amazon

sleep apnea chin strap

A "comfortable" cloth strap that keeps your mouth closed while you rest to prevent sleep apnea, snoring, and drooling. Also: The photo suggests it seems to somehow aid in growing a patchy beard.

WHY

Why not? There's literally no downside. Your husband will stop snoring and look ridiculous. That's what we call a win-win scenario.

FOR

People who have trouble sleeping, or those who feel empty and alone when they're not wearing their bondage gear -- Ball gag not included.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

sleep review

"Can't really tell if its working or not, but the wife is no longer complaining so I assume its working."


Crick-ettes Seasoned Crickets, $42 on Amazon

seasoned crickets

Everyone loves munching on roasted crickets. That's an undeniable fact. But what could make those delicious little critters even better? Seasoning! Your favorite forest snack now comes in Salt n' Vinegar, Bacon & Cheddar Cheese, and Sour Cream & Onion flavors! Hurray!

Crickets are good source of protein. And each box only contains eight or nine of them, so the suffering will be over quickly.

FOR

The person (who doesn’t have a gag reflex) looking for a protein boost.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"The more you eat the more "normal" it feels. I even had a friend try one ( I paid them $1), they popped it into their mouth, Fear Factor face and all, and asked for more. The only drawback for me is that it takes more than one at a time to make it feel as though you're not eating air and I didn't get my dollar back.”

"I got $100 for eating these and they were surprisingly delicious.”

More reviews here.


Butt Acne Clearing Lotion, $32.99 on Amazon

butt acne lotion

The first acne lotion that's specially formulated for your bottom. It contains alpha-hydroxy acids just like other brands, but Green Heart Labs has added 150 percent more shame and disappointment to make this lotion suitable for your buttocks.

WHY

Acne is always embarrassing, no matter where it pops up. It's bad enough on your face, not to mention on your shoulders or back. But when it gets down to your nether regions... well, slap some Butt Lotion on those trouble spots and you're all set for bikini season!

FOR

Beach-goers, streakers, flashers, and all other exhibitionists who have acne.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

"After 2-3 weeks of consistent use I finally had the beautiful, smooth, sexy clear bum I never thought I'd have!”

"This is the greatest stuff to ever exist... I started rubbing about a nickel-sized amount into my booty cheeks every morning and ever night, and saw a completely clear and softer butt in about 3 days! NOT ONE UGLY BLEMISH ON MY REAR!!!"

More reviews here.


Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow, $32 on Amazon

body pillow

A neck pillow that simulates cuddling with your beloved while she is out of town.

WHY

Sleeping alone is difficult for anyone, especially if you're accustomed to sharing your bed with a loved one. But this latex and foam lifelike monstrosity should ease those cold nights. Assuming she has really weird body proportions, broken elbows, and misshapen hands just like this thing, you’ll never even know she left!

FOR

People who have trouble sleeping.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

“…is it just me, or does the pillow look like someone is trying to dispose of Marge Simpson's body parts?”

"I bought this to use on an oil rig when I am away from my wife. It reminded me very much of her, she also only has one arm and her boobs are fake too.”

More reviews here.


Dorlene Pueraria Mirifica Herbal Bust Soap, $24 on Amazon

bust soap

A soap containing pueraria mirifica, an herb found in Northern Thailand that contains naturally-occurring phytoestrogens and is thought to both increase breast size as well as sucker people out of their money.

WHY

Bigger breasts. That's why.

FOR

Women who want larger, firmer breasts, but don’t want to pay for plastic surgery.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY

“I just got it, so give me a second.”

More reviews here.