Insomnia is not fun to live with, but it can make for a good punch line every now and then.

1. You've had so many infomercial items delivered to your house you could open your own “As Seen on TV” store.

as seen on tv store

2. You lie awake in bed all night, and then go to work for a full day asleep.

day asleep night awake

3. You can never get your room quite dark enough to sleep.


4. You can never get your room quite quiet enough to sleep.

loud room

5. You develop sleep rituals so complex and obsessive that they stop you from sleeping.

nightly rituals

6. You know that no matter how many nights in a row you watch them, the infomercials won’t get any better.


7. Not sleeping for two days makes it look like you have a serious substance abuse problem.

substance abuse problem

8. You watch “The Walking Dead” and find yourself sympathizing with the walkers.

walking dead

9. You know that enough caffeine will keep you from not falling asleep at work, but even then you’ll be too tired to be productive.


10. You sometimes fall asleep on the toilet.

sleeping on toilet

11. Lying very still in the dark, not making any noise because you don't want to scare the sleep away.

scare sheep

12. You know there’s nothing worse than staring at your alarm clock at 6:59 a.m. after a night without sleep.

alarm clock

13. Actually, there is: staring again when it goes off at 7:00 a.m. after getting exactly one full minute of sleep.

alarm clock

14. Why birds have to make so much noise at four in the morning.

bird noise

15. Your mind never stops talking to you when you’re trying to fall asleep.

talking mind

16. And right when you’re finally about to fall asleep, your mind shouts: “You failed your algebra exam! What are you going to tell Mom?”

algebra exam

17. You’ve counted so many sheep at night that they’ve unionized and asked for a raise.

sheep striking

18. You wonder if your own snoring might be keeping you awake.


19. The only comfortable place to sleep is on the bus.

sleeping on the bus

20. You’re so fidgety at night that your partner makes you sleep on the couch, which is too uncomfortable to sleep on.


21. Your longest and most lucid conversations are with your cat, who also can’t sleep.

talking to the cat

22. Your doctor makes you participate in a sleep study in a scary hospital, which is so scary you can’t sleep.

sleep study

23. You can get pretty drunk without drinking.

intoxicated without drinking

24. You accidentally drink a caffeinated drink late at night and then cry.


25. When you get really tired during the day, you go watch a bad film, and sleep through the entire thing.

bad film

26. You cultivate friends around the world online, so you can talk to them when everybody else is asleep in your time zone.

online chatting

27. You shop for groceries exclusively at 7-Eleven because it’s the only place open in the middle of the night.


28. You worry that if you had surgery the anesthesiologist wouldn’t be able to put you to sleep.


29. Watching that episode of “The Simpsons” when Groundskeeper Willie hits himself on the head with a hammer in order to sleep, and wondering if that might work.

the simpsons