1. A sneeze is never just a sneeze. It could be a cold, the flu, or maybe even Ebola!

never just a sneeze

2. When you call your doctor, she immediately asks, "So what is it this time?"

you call your doctor

3. You treat the door handle in a public bathroom like it's a hazardous waste zone.

door handle

4. You call in sick so often that people around the office have begun to forget your name.

call in sick

5. It's not a question of if you'll catch fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva. It's a question of when.

not a question of if

6. You can actually feel the germs racing up your arm after touching something gross.

feel the germs racing up your arm

7. Some people start their day with a cup of coffee. You start it by checking out a dozen suspicious moles.

checking out a dozen suspicious moles

8. Your medicine cabinet makes it look like you've robbed a drug store.

Your medicine cabinet

9. Some people are wine snobs. You're a cough syrup snob.

cough syrup snob

10. You've received "Customer of the Year" awards from several major pharmaceutical companies.

Customer of the Year

11. Your purse rattles like a maraca because of all the pills you carry around.

pills you carry around

12. When you go to see your doctor, he sighs a lot and mutters, "Why me?"

you go to see your doctor

13. You choose your outfits based on how well they match your Band-Aids.

match your outfit with band-aid

14. You're certain that you've had malaria three times even though you've never left the state of Wisconsin.

you are certain you've had malaria

15. Your tongue looks weird one day and — wait, why does my tongue look weird? Oh my god! My tongue looks weird! Please, God ... no, wait, I just ate Cheetos. Never mind.

Your tongue looks weird one day

16. People no longer ask how you are because they don't have 45 minutes to listen to your answer.

People no longer ask how you are

17. You've developed an elaborate fist-bump technique to avoid shaking hands.

avoid shaking hands

18. You have so many doctors on speed dial that you've run out of slots for your spouse or children.

doctors on speed dial

19. Allergy season means six months of terror and paranoia that you might be getting sick.

Allergy season means six months of terror and paranoia

20. You spend more money on hand sanitizer than you do on rent.

spend money on hand sanitizer

21. You shower with water that's hot enough to boil a lobster.

take shower with hot water

22. Your skin is so chapped from frequent hand washing that you look like you're 80 years old from the wrist down.

chapped hands from washing

23. You wore a surgical mask in public long before the bird flu made it fashionable.

surgical mask

24. You revise your last will and testament every time you feel a tickle in your throat.

when you get a tickle in your throat

25. Checking each other’s blood pressure sounds like a fun thing to do on a first date.

check each other's blood pressure

26. Your hobby growing up was to practice shouting, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up," in the mirror.

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up

27. Plugging your symptoms into Google results in cold sweats, sudden dizziness, and a certainty that you only have a week to live.

Plugging your symptoms into Google

28. You've frequently thought that you might be pregnant, which is strange because you're a guy.

you think you are pregnant but you are a guy

29. You frequently pull your shirt up in public and ask total strangers, "Does this lump look strange to you?"

Does this lump look strange to you?