I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll just come out and say it: you make me feel like crap, and I think we should break up.
I know this might come as a shock to you because we’ve been together for so long. At one point, I thought you’d be in my life until the bitter end. But it’s become clear to me that if this relationship goes on, the end will be bitter, and I don’t want to be.
Whether you realize it or not, you’ve been a real jerk, and I can’t believe I put up with it for so long. Here’s the shortlist of reasons I’m moving on:
- 1. Do you know how many nights I spent crying because of you? Not that you care (and yes, that was part of the problem).
- 2. You complain that I never cook. That’s because I’ve barely had an appetite since we’ve been together, let alone the energy to put together a meal (and no, it wasn’t a persistent case of “butterflies”).
- 3. I love to sleep in, but I can’t sleep at all when you’re here, breathing down my neck and making my mind race.
- 4. I could never be myself around you. I thought it was just me, but it turns out that none of my friends or family can stand being around me when we’re together because you either: a.) make them uncomfortable b.) are a complete buzzkill c.) both.
- 5. You put me so on edge that I actually growled at a baby on the bus the other day because her stroller was in my way. I am not a baby growler!
I could keep going, but I think you get the point. This has been a one-sided relationship from the start, and it all comes down to this: I don’t need you like you need me. I wish I could say “good luck,” “thanks for the memories,” and “I hope you find someone else,” but that’s about as true as you are fun to be around (i.e. not at all).
I’ve already changed my number and the locks, so don’t bother to come crawling back. I hear that Misery loves company, so you might want to give her a call. As for me, this is it. I’m walking away for good. I’m going to get happy.