As Crohn’s patients, we experience the bathroom with a different set of eyes … and smells. Get your toilet paper or baby wipes ready — here are 29 things only someone living with Crohn’s will understand.
1. Baby wipes aren’t just for babies.
2. It’s possible to clog a toilet bowl without paper.
3. “Fast food” describes the speed at which it will come out of your butt.
4. Italian food puts a hit on your small intestine.
5. Public restroom, private nightmare.
6. It’s wise to only purchase brown or black underwear.
7. Matches burn away shame.
8. Sometimes you’re on so many meds that the pills are a meal on their own.
9. Remicade is for readers.
10. When you obstruct, you understand the pain of childbirth.
11. There are many ways to prep an H.
12. If they love you despite the smells that come out of your butt, they’re the one.
13. Your colon is a cave of mysteries. Be prepared for spelunkers.
14. Barium is like a McDonald’s vanilla shake, except without the flavor or the happy.
15. Small talk is largely annoying during a colonoscopy.
16. We find bathrooms the way Indiana Jones finds treasure.
17. Solid poo means it’s going to be a good day.
18. The more ingredients it contains, the more reasons you have not to eat it.
19. Great outdoors, awful bathrooms.
20. Aisle seat, dude. Aisle seat.
21. Steroids make your muscles bigger, mostly the ones in your face.
22. Obstruction + salad = the opposite of healthy.
23. Speeding tickets can be less costly than dry cleaning tickets.
24. Mike McCready is a rockstar for a whooooooole different reason.
25. Mexican food makes you run for the border of the nearest toilet.
26. If Gandalf had Crohn’s and encountered popcorn, he’d yell, “You shall not pass!”
27. Drinking to forget your pain will only make you remember your Crohn’s.
28. IBD is worth it just to get out of jury duty.
29. Crohn’s makes people interesting, deep, intelligent, and cool.