As Crohn’s patients, we experience the bathroom with a different set of eyes … and smells. Get your toilet paper or baby wipes ready — here are 29 things only someone living with Crohn’s will understand.

1. Baby wipes aren’t just for babies.

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2. It’s possible to clog a toilet bowl without paper.

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3. “Fast food” describes the speed at which it will come out of your butt.

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4. Italian food puts a hit on your small intestine.

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5. Public restroom, private nightmare.

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6. It’s wise to only purchase brown or black underwear.

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7. Matches burn away shame.

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8. Sometimes you’re on so many meds that the pills are a meal on their own.

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9. Remicade is for readers.

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10. When you obstruct, you understand the pain of childbirth.

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11. There are many ways to prep an H.

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12. If they love you despite the smells that come out of your butt, they’re the one.

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13. Your colon is a cave of mysteries. Be prepared for spelunkers.

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14. Barium is like a McDonald’s vanilla shake, except without the flavor or the happy.

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15. Small talk is largely annoying during a colonoscopy.

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16. We find bathrooms the way Indiana Jones finds treasure.

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17. Solid poo means it’s going to be a good day.

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18. The more ingredients it contains, the more reasons you have not to eat it.

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19. Great outdoors, awful bathrooms.

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20. Aisle seat, dude. Aisle seat.

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21. Steroids make your muscles bigger, mostly the ones in your face.

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22. Obstruction + salad = the opposite of healthy.

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23. Speeding tickets can be less costly than dry cleaning tickets.

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24. Mike McCready is a rockstar for a whooooooole different reason.

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25. Mexican food makes you run for the border of the nearest toilet.

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26. If Gandalf had Crohn’s and encountered popcorn, he’d yell, “You shall not pass!”

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27. Drinking to forget your pain will only make you remember your Crohn’s.

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28. IBD is worth it just to get out of jury duty.

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29. Crohn’s makes people interesting, deep, intelligent, and cool.

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