1. You can tell when you had a manic episode by looking at your credit card bill.

credit card bill


2. Even though you live on your own, it often feels like you’re waking up with a stranger.

waking up with stranger


3. You have so many racing thoughts you should be a NASCAR analyst.

nascar analyst


4. You don’t suffer from a sense of superiority – you’re remarkably modest for an emperor of all humanity.

emperor of all humanity


5. You just realized people can drink beer for fun, not because they’re self-medicating.

drink beer for fun


6. Every morning you wake up thinking, “today is going to be a great day. Just not for me.”

mornings


7. Family members have mistaken you for the Incredible Hulk.

incredible hulk


8. If someone is described to you as “moody” you think to yourself: amateur.

amateur


9. You eat fear for breakfast.

fear for breakfast


10. You don’t know the meaning of “psychosomatic,” because you can’t concentrate on reading a word that long.

psychosomatic


11. Your cat would describe you as the aloof and needy one.

aloof and needy


12. Your psychiatrist spends so much time balancing your moods she now has a side job as a professional juggler.

psychiatrist professional mood juggler


13. You remember when Prozac was cool.

prozac


14. When you’re down you watch “America’s Most Wanted” and cry out: “Why does nobody want me?”

americas most wanted


15. Your depressive spells make you forgetful, which is a shame because if you thought about your manic stages it might cheer you up.

depressive spells


16. You wonder how someone who feels so empty can put on so much weight.

weight gain


17. When you’re manic, nothing makes you angrier than someone suggesting you’re irritable.

irritable


18. Manic episodes give you a heightened sex drive, which makes it unfortunate you can’t maintain any relationships.

heightened sex drive


19. You can’t sleep at nights, which would be OK if you had more insomniacs for friends.

insomniac friends


20. Your depressed self probably wouldn’t be so depressed if your manic self didn’t make so many commitments for it to keep.

depressed vs manic self


21. If you could cycle as quickly as your moods, you’d be the next Lance Armstrong.

lance armstrong mood swings


22. You meet the same person at two different parties and have to convince them you're not your pain-in-the-ass twin brother.

good vs evil twin


23. Friends say you’re the life and soul of the party, but you avoid parties like the plague.

parties


24. You’ve cried on the pizza delivery guy’s shoulder.

pizza delivery guy


25. You’ve been told the warranty on your car does not cover existential crisis.

existential crisis