It's Funny on the Insides
It's Funny on the Insides

Ben Morrison blogs with an abundance of humor about Crohn's disease.

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Bathroom Primer No 2: My Bathroom

"Crohn’s people poop, and poop smells bad."

Ah, my bathroom, bastion of dreams and decisions and ground zero for most Crohn’s patients. As this particular room is second only to my bedroom for importance and relative time spent in it, I have developed some tricks and techniques for keeping it in tip top shape for making it easy on your bottom.

Sweet Smell

First is scent. This is key. Crohn’s people poop, and poop smells bad. Speaking personally my poop smells somewhere between rotted corpse and rotted corpse with spoiled milk poured over it. I don’t know what kind of battle is happening in my digestive tract, but whatever’s going on, it ain’t pretty. And no one else should have to smell it.

Step one is some Glade or other synthetic air-freshener. Not the best choice as it smells like you took a turd in the middle of a field of chemical flowers, but it’s overpowering enough that an impact will be made. I also make a point of having a good scented-candle option as a vanilla breeze is nice after a chocolate hurricane. And of course matches as a last line of defense.

The Soundtrack

And then there’s club bathroom. It is what it sounds like. In my last three apartments, I have actually run speakers from my main stereo into my bathroom and have enjoyed the hi-fi sounds of dance music and podcasts when doing my thing. Despite the ridicule I would get from people seeing the audio-array in my bathroom, once they croon to the soothing sounds it makes their business that much better.

Calling in the Big Boys of Cleanup

And of course, cleanup. This one is KEY. As the outcome of a session mid-flare tends to be very liquid in nature and comes with a good deal of splatter, there is generally a lot of stragglers clinging to the bowl. I find this particular kind of stow-away disgusting, but keeping them from hitching a ride is frustrating. Especially cause those little bastards dry in five minutes and don’t like to be scraped off. So that's why I call out the big boys.

While I do have your typical bathroom toilet scrubber, I bought a tile and grout brush from Home Depot for the real toughies in there. The advantage of the tile and grout brush is that I was built for leverage and I don’t care how sticky your icky, it won’t stand a chance when you’re scraping with that bad boy.

Plenty of Time for Light Reading

And talk about the reading selection. Over the course of a typical day I spend probably a total of 30 minutes to an hour in my bathroom waiting for some motion in the ocean, and it’s where I get the majority of my reading done. I have tech magazines, local rags, the wine magazine I write for, and, of course, Crohn’s Advocate. It’s important to not over-stock any one type of literature as variety isn’t only the spice of life, it’s the spice of the lavatory too.

Upgrading the Wipes

And finally, baby wipes. Why we as a society ever consciously made the decision to trade in soft, aloe soaked toilet wipes for dry, starchy butt-burning paper is beyond me. But I’ll keep this short —get thee to a store and get thee some baby-wipes. Your rectum will never have known such moist harmony. You see how much a baby likes them, why should you be any different?

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About the Author

Crohn's Comic

Comedian and activist Ben Morrison writes about Crohn's disease with a heavy dose of humor.