Ben Morrison blogs with an abundance of humor about Crohn's disease.See all posts »
Bathroom Primer No. 1: Someone Else’s Bathroom
Comedian Ben Morrison guides you through some tips and tricks when "logging out" in someone else's commode.
Ah, the bathroom: vault of secrets and strategy for the Crohn’s patient. As the bulk of the nastiness inherent in our disease happens in this sexy little room, I’d like to share my tips and trick for dealing with the warfare we must unleash on these unsuspecting paces. Let’s start with someone else’s bathroom.
Step 1: The Seat Itself
As a born germaphobe, the idea of putting my little bottom on an alien seat is unnerving to say the least. I can’t imagine, nor want to imagine, the things that have gone on previous to my arrival, and as such I have a cleaning technique I use every time I have to download. First, before anything else happens I hover over the bowl and spit on the seat. Then I take a big roll of toilet paper and wash the surface with my saliva. You’d be surprised how much detritus is removed and I honestly can’t crap without doing this.
Step 2: Cover Noise
As we often have a symphony of removal coming from our butts, I make a point of running the water full-blast while logging-out. This works especially well in a social situation as the sound of the nearby brook helps me deal with whatever toots and tweets emerge from my behind. While I know this isn’t the most eco-friendly way of doing things, and I weep for the children in Africa every time I waste that much aqua, I deal with it by knowing it’s much worse than thinking my peer group is hearing my anal band blast out a ballad.
Step 3: Clear the Air
This one is a biggie. The first thing I look for when I enter a restroom is aerosol cans of air-freshener. These are a lifesaver as even though there may be some lingering stench, at least it’s mingling with the chemical-scents of a Mountain Fresh Glade or Springtime Rush, whatever the hell that is.
In lieu of such protections, I make a point of taking a book of matches with me at all times. It’s odd to think but the smell of burning sulfur is a vacuum for atrocious smells and emanations. And make no mistake, when the next person enters the room it will smell like someone had a BBQ while crapping but as I say in Pain in the Butt, at least you tried.
Step 4: Crime Scene Cleanup
Especially when dealing with someone else’s bathroom, it’s imperative you leave the space exactly as found. As I can never rely on the consistency of my stools I make a point to lift the seat and find any specs or dots that have clung on for dear life. And dear life they shall not get.
Taking another wad of toilet paper I scour the area like a criminal fleeing the scene of a crime and imagine I am the next person walking into the room looking for clues.
So that’s that.
Next week I’ll share with you how to build a lavatory palace in your own house so as to build the pooping paradise you deserve.