Ben Morrison blogs with an abundance of humor about Crohn's disease.See all posts »
Meet Crohn’s New Superhero: Commander Bowel
Maxwell was just a normal kid with a problem with red velvet cake. The villainous Crohn attempted to bring Maxwell down, but as stories like this always go, it was time for a hero to rise.
Maxwell did not know there was a superhero living within him, but as all superhero stories go, no one ever knows.
Three months before last, Maxwell had eaten a slice of red velvet cake and quite by accident pooed all over his living room floor. He had not wanted to poo all over his living room floor, and despite his claims to the effect, was sent to his room for the night even though it was only seven o'clock.
Lying on his bed shaped like a racecar, Maxwell wondered why this had happened and wondered if it would ever happen again. What would the kids at school say if he pooed all over math class? He was bad enough at long division as it was, pooing all over the floor wasn't going to make remainders any easier and perhaps most tragic, he loved red velvet cake. The whole thing didn't make any sense to him, and he was planning on consulting the magic 8-ball app when from the corner of his eye, he saw her for the first time, the Crohn.
Now, seeing a nefarious villain for the first time is never easy, and Maxwell screamed and dropped his iPhone, clutching his stomach for some odd reason.
The Crohn sat in his beanbag chair staring at him, her long thin nose jutting out from her face like the tip of the moon. She was skinny, almost to the point of breaking, and her frilly black shirt hung off her bones like tarp on a stick figure. Her black pants were ragged and ended in tendrils of knotted fabric, which draped over her black leather boots like unwashed hair.
The Crohn, seeing Maxwell, attempted a smile and waved, but being a nefarious villain, it came off as more of a scowl. Maxwell winced, slammed his eyes shut, and rubbed his belly like the Buddha at his favorite restaurant. Pain shot up and down his middle and the more the Crohn stared and smiled, the more it hurt.
A short time later, Maxwell was in math class having just eaten a slice of red velvet cake from the cafeteria vending machine. He didn't think much about pooing on his living room floor as three whole days had passed and his brains were already full of thoughts about swimming in space and why sharks are so mean.
His teacher, Mr. Mancini, was at the chalkboard where he wrote out a long-division question that looked like a bridge when Maxwell squinted his eyes. As he opened his eyes, the image of Mr. Mancini pointing at him came flooding into focus and without even asking, Maxwell rose from his seat and made his way to the chalkboard. And then, sitting in Mr. Mancini's seat sharpening a pencil with her teeth he saw her, the evil Crohn. His stomach began to gurgle, and as the Crohn began to smile, Maxwell could feel his guts begin to push the red velvet cake out of his bottom. Mr. Mancini extended the chalk and waited. The whole class was watching.
It is in moments like that amazing things will happen.
As Maxwell took the chalk, time froze and the room went black. Nothing existed except Maxwell and the Crohn, who rose from her chair and lunged for Maxwell’s tummy.
Just as she was about to place her cold, leathery hand upon him, like a million radioactive spiders shot with a million gamma rays sent from a distant dying planet, he was there.
Spiraling up and around every foot of Maxwell's beleaguered intestine in a bright blue suit with a bright white cape Commander Bowel shot out of Maxwell’s stomach and stood next to him.
Swatting the Crohn’s hand away Commander Bowel looked her dead in the eye and said, "None shall pass".
Immediately she recoiled and was sucked out of the room like smoke in a vacuum cleaner as Maxwell’s guts tightened, saving their contents for a more appropriate venue.
As the lights came on and reality came info focus, Maxwell took the chalk from Mr. Mancini and with Commander Bowel standing next to him, answered the long division question.
The answer was 67.
Stay tuned because next week continues the adventures of Commander Bowel. In the meantime, order Pain in the Butt, Ben Morrison's one-man-show about the lighter side of Crohn's Disease at paininthebutt.tv and check out Ben's other Crohn's column at CrohnsAdvocate.com.