Ben Morrison blogs with an abundance of humor about Crohn's disease.See all posts »
Comic Ben Morrison details the perks of Crohn's disease, from getting out of jury duty to an endless stream of poop jokes.
While having an incurable intestinal disease is tragic, there are many benefits that are often overlooked.
Amidst the pain and shame of near constant diarrhea there is a silver lining that people miss as they scrape the brown lining off of their toilet. It’s my goal today to shed some light on the upside of our downside and enlighten you to the many Crohn’s-vantages around us.
No More Jury Duty
The first has to be getting out of jury duty. Perhaps the only thing more cheek-clenching than bad Mexican-food is opening up the mailbox to discover that Uncle Sam needs five unpaid-days of our civic judgment. Not anymore! You’ve got Crohn’s. As deciding the fate of Robbie the Robber requires sitting in a box for hours on end, you can actually argue that your anal leakage would find you in contempt of the court, manly due to smell. The next time you get that letter, call jury services and have them send you a revised letter with the medical leave on the back. Next, talk to do your doctor and explain that as long as you have this rectum-wrecking affliction you might as well get something out of it and he’ll sign it with a wink and a nod.
Legal Weed (in California)
Next is medical marijuana. Now I’m not saying I got my medical marijuana card because I have Crohn’s Disease, but that’s exactly what I’m saying. In Los Angeles, we have more pot clubs than Starbucks, but there’s still a comical attempt by the pot docs to establish a legitimate medical cause. Turns out not only is Crohn’s a slam-dunk when it comes to getting legal weed, it’s actually on a lot of dispensary posters as one of the main reasons to do so. That’s like being allowed to run red lights cause you have glaucoma.
And have I mentioned the painkillers? Having gone to the ER a couple of times with tummy-tearing pain I can say first hand that some of the drugs I’ve been given would make Keith Richards jealous. I don’t condone the regular usage of painkillers, but the next time you’re being rushed down those white halls in a stretcher mention that Dilaudid is the only thing that will work. You can thank me later.
A Stream of Poop Jokes
Switching to a less narcotically focused arena, I’m a dude, and dudes love trading good fart and poo stories. Crohn’s makes you a Jedi Warrior of fart and poo stories. If you ever find yourself in a situation where the lads are swapping tales of the loo, break out your butt-saber and blow up the Death Star. You have a NASCAR champion in your butt, and I for one have made a career out of letting him drive out top speed. I say it to all the Crohn’s patients I meet, you have a story in your crack, and that makes you cooler than anyone.
Get Out of Jail Free Card
And finally, let Crohn’s take the heat for everything. I can’t tell you how many things I’ve blamed on Crohn’s over the years. From significant others I didn’t want to deal with to jobs I didn’t want to show up for, Crohn’s has been the go-to for don’t-wanna-do. Because so little is known about the disease littler is known about how to argue with someone who has it. Next time you don’t feel like showing up to something or someone, just pull the old “wicked flare” card and the person on the receiving end will feel like a butthead if they argue! How dare they not understand your horrible disease, the pain you’re feeling is intense beyond their comprehension and as long as you actually have said disease you might as well make it the dog that ate your homework... and your ileum.
Also check out Healthline’s fundraiser for the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation to help raise awareness for Crohn's disease.