Ben Morrison blogs with an abundance of humor about Crohn's disease.See all posts »
Ben Morrison’s Guide to Poo: Episode 1
Comedian Ben Morrison gives his personal poo classification system, a subject of note for his fellow Crohn’s patients.
Liquid and frothy, the Milkshake is usually spewed after a gluttonous night where warring culinary factions drunkenly dance together like the cast of West Side Story. Ejected from the rectum like a chocolate fire-hose, the Milkshake is not only incredibly uncomfortable but often one of the hardest to clean, requiring special attention to the rim of the bowl and often the bathroom walls next to it. There is no glory in looking down upon this poop as there physically is no poop, just a murky swamp of bad decisions and better-luck-next-times.
The DNA Strand
The slightly more responsible older-brother of the Milkshake, the DNA strand is still only partially solid but without the murky haze. Looking down upon what looks like a twisting DNA strand of dookie in otherwise clear water, one is struck by the resolve it must have taken your colon to arrange such a rowdy bunch of stool in an impressive double-helix. While still uncomfortable, the DNA Strand feels like you’re crapping science.
The Third Bowl of Porridge
Don’t let the name fool you, the Third Bowl of Porridge isn’t soupy. It’s perfect. Like Goldilocks finding satisfaction in her third stolen bowl of soup, the Third Bowl of Porridge is both smooth and solid, shapely and, dare I say it, sexy. The feeling of letting it drop from your buttocks is like the soft kiss of a sympathetic lover, and if poo was a beauty contest, this one would be the belle of the ball. A perfect crescent, The Third Bowl of Porridge sits coiled in the water waiting to be sucked into oblivion. However it’s often so beautiful you might want to bronze it and wear it as a necklace.
Often the result of neglecting your fecal duties, the Pinecone is hardened poo that won’t leave your butt without a fight. Roughly the shape and texture of a fallen pinecone, squeezing it out requires a good deal of patience and something to bite down on when you really start the pushing. Seldom will it leave in one piece, as pinching and dumping whatever little bit is negotiated is better than trying to get the whole porcupine out of your anus in one chunk. And not only does the stool itself physically resemble a pinecone, it’s so uncomfortable it feels like a squirrel is also trying to get out with it. Avoid.
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