Divorce Health Article

Adolescence

For teenagers, parental divorce is difficult because it is yet another source of upheaval in their lives. Teenage behavior is affected not only by recent divorces but also by those that occurred when the child was much younger. One especially painful effect of divorce on adolescents is the negative attitude it can produce toward one or both parents, whom they need as role models but are often blamed for disappointing them.

Adolescents are also prone to internal conflicts over their parents' divorce. They are torn between love for and anger toward their parents and between conflicting loyalties to both parents. Positive feelings toward their parents' new partners come into conflict with anxiety over the intimacy of these relationships, and the teenager's close affiliation with the custodial parent clashes with his or her need for increased social and emotional independence. Although children at all ages are distressed by parental divorce, by adolescence it can result in potentially dangerous behavior, including drug and alcohol abuse, precocious and/or promiscuous sexual activity, violence, and delinquency.

Helping children cope with divorce

Psychologist Judith S. Wallerstein, an internationally recognized authority on the effects of divorce on children, has proposed that children whose parents divorce face special psychological tasks in addition to the normal developmental tasks all children must accomplish. She outlines the following sequence of seven steps: 1) attaining a realistic understanding of the divorce; 2) achieving enough distance from the situation to continue with their lives; 3) absorbing the loss of the original family unit and of the noncustodial parent; 4) handling their anger; 5) dealing with guilt feelings; 6) facing the fact that the divorce is permanent; and 7) remaining optimistic about their own chances for healthy relationships in the future.

Experts agree that it is important for parents who are divorcing to avoid involving their children in their disputes or forcing them to choose sides, and are often advised to avoid criticizing their former mates in front of their children. In order for children to heal from the emotional pain of parental divorce, they need an outlet for open expression of their feelings, whether it be a sibling, friend, adult mentor or counselor, or a divorce support group. Extended families can be a significant source of support for children, providing them with stability and with the reassurance that others care about them. Although parental divorce is undeniably difficult for children of all ages, loving, patient, and enlightened parental support can make a crucial difference in helping children cope with the experience both immediately and over the long term.