I am VERY busy and feeling torn in a lot of different directions lately, so if you asked me to rate my diabetes control at the moment, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
A quick look at my meter averages doesn't paint a very pretty picture: 14-day average = 142, 30-day average = 149, 60-day average = 148. If you go by the charts, that's still an A1c of under 6.4, but daily averages in the 140's are still crap in my book. I know I can do better if I'd only "apply myself."
The blessing and the curse of living in an age when it's possible to juggle work with home responsibilities — to be plugged in to an international conference call whilst folding laundry and giving hand signals to the kids about how to start making dinner — is that you feel you are not (and truly are not) ever doing 100% of anything. You're always giving just a little here, a half-an-hour there, so that you don't miss a critical deadline and your house does not cave in on itself.
Just when you think you've got menus set up for the entire week, the freezer goes kaput and you're forced to miss two scheduled workouts waiting for the @#$%! repair man. Just when you're sure you've got that next presentation covered, you cannot find the right Powerpoint template to save your life and you end up spending all day Saturday re-creating it. Just when your schedule's starting to look reasonable, you find out your 9-year-old has two basketball games this week, school skate night coincides with one of them, and you forgot to buy those two bags of mini-marshmallows your 1st grader needs for her class party by TOMORROW AM.
I'll stop myself here. Surely you get the idea...
So for the moment, I've really lost a sense of "how I am doing" other than testing, taking a lot of insulin corrections, and "hoping for the best."
Does this make me a failure, for obviously just "winging it" most of the time? Or a success — since it seems to be working out all right? Who is to judge?
But living with diabetes means that we do feel judged, all the time, by others who think we ought to be a lot more perfect — especially those of us who "put our diabetes out there" on the web, and by well-meaning relatives and friends. You know what one of mine said last time I was reporting one of my nasty hive attacks: "WHAT DID YOU EAT?!"
What do you THINK I ate, knowing that I know that I'm so damn allergic to gluten?!
Anyhow, the worst of it is probably the judgment that we bring down on ourselves. As my blogger friend Lee Ann Thill puts it, the continuous attempt to achieve "non-diabetic" BG numbers can feel like a "nauseating roller-coaster ride." So maybe I want to get off the ride for a little while now and then. Whose place is it to judge me on that, besides my own?
Who am I kidding, though? As a Type A personality, it's not like I'm not trying to have perfect all the numbers all the time.
I'm with Lee Ann in asking our PWD friends out there: "Has anyone figured out how to detach themselves emotionally from their BG readings? If I could do that, then I'd definitely feel like a success."