Sometime in the middle of last week, as I was gazing at my blog banner and mulling over my next post, I had a kind of out-of-body sensation for a moment: Am I still the same person who started this blog nearly two years ago? Do I still feel the same way about my disease that I did then? How many years do you have to have diabetes before the "marvel" wears off? i.e. before you're officially "burned out," I wonder?
Really, now: How can I continue to be informative and witty about this @#$! disease when I am so increasingly disgusted with it?
So much of what they told me at diagnosis seemed surreal at the time: you'll need to count up the nutritional content of every morsel you eat; you'll need to check your blood XX times a day with this contraption that should never leave your side; you'll need to inject this substance over and over again, but not too much, or you'll get the shakes and possibly pass out. YOU ARE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?! Meanwhile, my little toe felt numb last week and I was in a frenzy over nueropathy... Who's life is this, anyway??
And then came the reader comments from last Thursday's D-Blog Day post: Cindy echoes my sentiments, saying, "this is not my life... I had a life established that I enjoyed and now someone replaced it with this life that is not mine."
Suzanne replies, "I remember those feelings just post-diagnosis --- 'This is not my life!' I felt that my body was a foreign entity for at least 6 months post-diagnosis. I still have days, but I feel like I'm ME again. I think it takes time and a whole lot of support from friends, family, and particularly other type 1s who know what you're talking about. Hang in there."
God, it's good to know I'm not the only one. I get up every morning and test, fuss about my breakfast carbs, especially if I'm planning to work out. Then if I don't go low, I check again a short while later... sometimes take another shot for correction. By then it's nearly lunch time and the whole thing starts all over, and so on. When did my life become all about this @#$! blood sugar disorder?
Then again, I'm not fishing for sympathy here. Because on another level, my life is most certainly not all about the diabetes (although you couldn't tell that from my writings, ay?) I am a busy working mother of three incredible girls. I volunteer at their school, attend a monthly Book Club and have a magical partnership with the Love of My Life. We travel a fair amount and spend good quality time together both at home and all around the breathtaking SF Bay Area. So life is good, too.
It's just that I'm forcibly obsessed with my blood glucose levels. And they are not cooperating! And I really and truly cannot remember what I used to think about pre-diagnosis. I guess we're all doing as new dLife columnist Karen Hargrave-Nykaza suggests, Learning a New Normal. It's called the Diabetes Roller Coaster ride.