In the aftermath of my recent cancer scare, I'm feeling lucky to be alive these days. But it doesn't make the diabetes any easier. Ironically, the days I work out hardest are often my worst BG control days, since I'm so hungry and craving carbs...
All of these thoughts brought me back to this post, which first appeared on the Diabetes OC site when I was "Featured Blogger of the Week" over the holidays. (I'm assuming many of you were off celebrating as well, so probably didn't catch it the first time.)
Last week, my new gym teacher finally asked me what that thing was that I always wear on my arm or stomach. She meant the pod from my OmniPod tubeless insulin pump, of course. I've been taking her combination weight training/cycle spin class for about 8 weeks, and the first few days on the bike, I could swear we talked about low blood sugars. She saw me gulping down glucose gel, too, and smiled as if she knew what was up. So I was pretty surprised when she turned up clueless several weeks later.
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I smiled and gave my standard response: "Life support."
She looked puzzled, so naturally I explained that it's an insulin pump.
"I thought you knew I had diabetes," I said casually, fishing to see what would come up.
"Oh no, not really..." she muttered. "I didn't know it was so bad."
Eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!!! Did you hear my alarm going off? I clenched my teeth. "So bad"?!
Part of me wanted to lecture her, but luckily the more resigned part of me (read: lazy) decided to let it go.
I know I should make it my mission to ALWAYS jump on opportunities to educate others about the types of diabetes, and what it really means to live with this illness. But sometimes I just can't face it. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Or understood. Or coddled.
To be honest, sometimes I just don't know what I feel, let alone what I want from others. If you're like me, some days you're furious about this exasperating illness, while other days it really does seem almost as routine as brushing your teeth. Some days I could just kill for one kind word about all the work I'm putting into this illness. And some days I could just kill for everyone to shut up about diabetes and give me a rest, for goodness' sake. It's none of their business anyway, right?
I guess this kind of glaring ambiguity is par for the course with diabetes. It sure can play with your head sometimes, and wear you out.
Again, I'm just so grateful for all of you out there, also living with this thing, who know just what I mean — on the good side and the bad.