The Importance Of Education

When you think about it, after unconditional love and attention, there may be nothing more powerful a parent can give a child than education. Education brings with it adult mentors who care about kids, knowledge about health, the world, character-building experiences, a responsibility to participate in government, and a sense of unity with the world. Truly exceptional education impacts the whole person, body, mind and soul, instills in a child a love of learning that will guide an entire life, and inspires creativity as well as passion!

On a more practical note, research shows us that a perceived connection to school is a powerful predictor of resilience for all children, providing a safety net of sorts, no matter what family or community they are growing up in. Teens who are connected to school are also less likely to be participating in high risk activities, like drinking, smoking, and early sexual activity.

Giving a child an education not only keeps them busy, it opens up their world and helps them understand the interconnectivity of systems - the earth, human bodies, families, neighborhoods, communities, countries, and the universe. I truly believe that it is hard for a well-educated person to fail in life - because there are always new ways to approach problems.

Providing an education can be as simple as finding a great school that brings out the best in your child, but being involved with that education is also important. Making time to spend time at school volunteering and connecting with your children around educational activities, like reading, shows your child that education and s/he are your priorities.

Other things you can do to support that education include:

• Playing board games;
• Sharing good books;
• Doing community service projects together;
• Traveling;
• Encouraging arts and music;
• Reducing TV and screen time;
• Helping with homework
  

Thinking back on my own life growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family, I have always believed I "made it" because although I could not change my family, I could be successful in school and found adults who believed I was smart and worthwhile, which kept me doing well in school. I remember several moments quite clearly: 1) in 7th grade Mr. Rayburn, a social sciences teacher told me I should go to college because I was really smart (this is in a rural community in the early 70's when few people went to college); 2) sitting in new student orientation at SJSU, a professor suggested those of us who believed in interdisciplinary education and social change should consider a program called New College; and 3) sitting in my first graduate class at Stanford wondering how I would ever fit in with my classmates, and deciding that reading all the "classics" (they had read in their ivy league educations) might help.

Education cannot be taken away - it becomes a part of the person learning something and transforms that person as it happens, bringing self-confidence, curiosity, joy, creativity, and yes, responsibility.

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Labels: Education, Healthline, Parenting

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Thank You - Grand Rounds 4.49

Thanks to Theresa Chan at Rural Doctoring for including my Back-To-School post in this week's Grand Rounds.

This week was a beautiful read - I loved the Shakespearean theme and my fvorite line was "Create for eternity. Let every word pierce the heart."

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Helping Teens and Preteens With Homework

Sticking to the back-to-school theme, homework is likely to become an issue for most families very soon. For many families, the quantity, organization, completion, and thoroughness of homework is a serious source of stress.

I humbly suggest that before the nagging or argument starts, that you sit down with your preteen or teen during the first week of school and have a serious conversation about homework - what the issues have been in the past, expectations for this year, and ways to get around any issues you have had in the past. As always let your child know that this conversation is happening because you really love him or her, want him or her to be successful in school, and are willing to help with that goal. If you agree with the premise, remind them that you are more worried about the learning than the scoring.

Lay out the school expectation that your child can expect 30-120 minutes of homework a day (depending on their age) and then talk about what the issues have been in the past. If it helps, talk to teachers that you and your child like at school to get some suggestions. Then ask your child what they think is going on - is it not having a set place or time of day or evening to complete the work, is the schedule too busy, do they feel like they study enough but still do not do well on tests, does the T.V. or computer get in the way? Do they have difficulty concentrating?

You may find that the child's study skills are not what you thought or that they need some reminders to use flash cards, memorizing help, or that there are really auditory or visual learners and need to study in a different way. If they have not been doing well in a particular class, try different ways of studying. Maybe they learn by listening, so try asking them to explain the concepts to you, or maybe they need help memorizing, so prepare flashcards and drill them each day during a time they are usually relaxed and happy. Maybe the issue is concentration and some meditation training can help.

Whatever method you come up with, try and arrange your life so you can be with your child(ren) when they study, be interested in the subjects and offer to help and even check their work when they are done. If just being close is enough, you can do your own work at the same table, gladly helping if they need the support.

When it gets tough, just remember that most children want to succeed and please the adults they love - they are not trying to do poorly and chances are good that if you set your mind to it, you can find a way to help them succeed. Good luck!

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Back-To-School Boot Camp

It is that time again - school is starting or will be starting soon. You can make the transition a little smoother by starting a week early to get those school-related habits back into your lives.

Schedule
It is time to start going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, or with teenagers, sometimes it means just getting them up and out of the house earlier and after a few days they drop off earlier - due to sheer exhaustion. Remember teenagers need 9 - 10 hours of sleep a night. If they are not getting it, try to make some changes in your family schedule so that they can start.

Organization
Is their locker stocked? Are their binders set up? Do they have PE clothes and shoes that fit? Is there a clear place on their desk or the kitchen table where they can do their homework? Have you talked about how they will get to and from school, practice, classes, appointments?

Who makes lunches and what goes into them? Do they need to do morning chores? Who makes breakfast and what are the options? Do your kids need to have their clothes laid out and everything packed in their backpacks near the front door before they go to bed at night? You might start practicing that.

Expectations
Have you taken some time and talked about the expectations you have for your child this academic year? Is it their freshman year and you just want them to "get a grip" on the high school work load, is it their sophomore year and you expect strong grades before they start driving, is it their junior year when grades might really matter? You may have some really clear expectations, but unless you share them with your teen, they may not share you thoughts.

Good luck and have a great school year!

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The "Used To Be" Empty Nest

Here is a new parenting issue - how do parents handle having their college graduate come home to stay? According to Collegegrad.com it seems that more and more (77% last year) college graduates are not getting a job after college or setting up their own homes, but are moving back in with mom and/or dad.

Is it the recession or is it that this generation (Gen Y) is just more attached to family and home, and maybe less motivated? I cannot help thinking that this phenomenon is related to the issues experienced by college freshmen, too!

In previous posts I have talked about the higher numbers of first year college students who seem emotionally unprepared for college in spite of wonderful academic, music, sports, and community service records. What seems to be missing are the skills required to be an adult, manage time, handle problems and negotiate "the real world." Maybe this generation of students are all struggling, but the ones making it through four years of college are suffering, at the other end.

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Book Review: The Launching Years (Part 2)

Once your teen actually leaves for college, the authors of this wonderful book suggest that your relationship with him or her will likely improve, overnight!

Part 2 of this review focuses on what to expect the first year your teen is in college. I remember leaving my children at kindergarten for the first time, and driving away while they stand at the curb in front of their dorm sounds a little like that! (Ouch!)

This book will help you dry your eyes and move through your grief, or maybe joy that your teen is at college. Some parents are happy and some are devastated with their new "emptier nest," but the second half of this book can help with whatever reaction you are having. In theory, you have gotten them to college, they have everything they need, and the university is supposed to take over.

There will be orientations, social events, resident assistants, dorm parents, counselors, advisers, and peer counselors to help with anything that goes wrong, but the authors suggest you should be prepared for some hysterical phone calls, anyway! Chapter four has some great suggestions for handling what the authors call "the dump call," and for knowing when a situation may require that you step in.

Just a few hints - no matter how much you miss them, the correct response to a dump call is NOT "come home - who needs college anyway!" A better response is to listen, provide a little empathy, and let them move on, as the authors suggest they will. Another call you may get is "I need more money," and the correct response, unless you are very wealthy, is NOT "sure, how much shall I send." (I liked that advice!)

During this emotional time, like so many other life transitions, you might not just be dealing with the loss of your teen, your relationship with your spouse may need some extra attention, and if there are siblings at home, they may need some extra support, too! Go figure! Whatever your family is feeling in reaction to this transition, the authors have some great advice and include stories from families just like yours.

The Launching Years is a great book for parents of older teens and college-aged students - the strategies it provides are priceless, even for families in which teens do not leave home but stay at home for a few more years. Every family is different, but all teens have to start being responsible adults at about age 18 and this book can help!

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Freedom is Associated with Less Sexual Activity

Authoritarian parents take note - a new study in the Journal of Adolescent Health suggests that teens with more flexible parents are actually less likely to start having sex than teens with rigid and controlling parents.

Warm, more democratic relationships - in which parents do not use negative and controlling behaviors - are more likely to produce children who respect the parental values, making healthier decisions about their health, and keep away from negative peer influences.

Of course, this is not a controlled study but it appears that parents who talk to their children about sexuality, using condoms, and birth control, as well as spend time with them and are nurturing and supportive have children less likely to engage in sexual abehavior.

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Thank You - Grand Rounds 4.45

Thanks to Edwin Leap at EdwinLeap.com for hosting Grand Rounds 4.45 this week and including my post about sending teens off to college. It was interesting to read answers to Dr. Leap's question of "why do we do it," which helped me answer the question, too.

I do this blog because I think people who are raising teens need support, attention and encouragement to feel blessed that they can spend each day with teens - who are creative, intelligent, and magical beings!

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Book Review: The Launching Years (Part 1)

The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting from Senior Year to College Life, by Laura Kastner and Jennifer Wyatt is a must read for parents of juniors or seniors in high school, as well as parents of college-aged young adults. With steadfast encouragement these authors give practical suggestions for doing a great job launching your teens, not just coping with the problems that sometimes creep into our families during this exciting period of life.

There was so much information in this book that I decided to have two reviews. This first section is for parents of high school students, and Part 2 will be for parents of college-aged children. The only "issue" I had with the book is that it describes the college process and launching as occurring in the senior year, which I disagree with. Launching, and preparing a child to leave home with all of the assets they will need to be successful really needs to start much earlier, and the launching process for college-bound youth really needs to begin in the junior year of high school. Pushing all of the college-preparation activities into senior year demands a crisis!

Apart from that, I think the authors did a great job identifying how important this phase of parenting is, and how little attention and support parents get during this challenging time. They also describe the barriers to successful launching, from both the child and parent perspectives, and provide comfort and practical strategies to overcome the typical hurdles. There are suggestions for how to mitigate the stress associated with college applications, and what to do when college-bound teens suddenly get clingy, dependent or rebellious.

Some of the reassurances that may calm parents of younger teens include the fact that with over 3,000 accredited colleges in the United States, there will be a spot for your child. Students with a C average can actually be admitted to more than 1,000 colleges, and B students can attend all but the top 200 schools! Other encouraging facts are that "where" a person goes to college seems to be less important to success than the number of years spent in higher education and the actual completion of the degree.

Instead of worrying about "where" a child goes to college the authors suggest parents focus on:

• Whether teens are building strong interests both within and outside of school;
• How motivated a teen is;
• Whether a teen know how to take advantage of whatever resources are available;
• Whether a teen is engaged, aware, resilient, responsible and committed to living a productive life; and
  
• What goals and values a teen is reflecting with their behavior.

There are great stories about real families, with real, not perfect children, and gentle reminders to handle our own personal issues outside of our relationships with our children that will bolster all parents. There is a section about the ADHD child, gap years, alternatives to college, boomerang teens who need some more time at home before going off to school, and even teens who seem to go off the deep end while preparing to launch. Basically, this book includes something for everyone.

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Summer Camp & Independence

Well it is summer again and if your kids are lucky, they are preparing for summer camp. Our family favorite is the old-fashioned camp - crafts, campfires, silly songs, talent shows, mess halls, pools, and ropes courses.

Preparation means writing your last name on everything, deciding which clothes and towels you never need to use again, buying aloe vera gel for sunburns, biodegradable soap, Costco sized sunscreen, enough toiletries for everyone to take some, and my favorite, bug sprays - from 99% deet for spraying at the bottom of pants and around the edges of bedding to 30% deet for arms. legs, and scalps!

If this is your child's first time at camp, last summer's post about preparing your child for being away from home might be useful. If your child is a seasoned camper, they are probably just excited, but I encourage you not to let them pack by themselves. I cannot tell you how many times I say, "are you packed?" and the answer is "yes," and then I march in, ask for the packing list, and as my child puts stuff in the suitcase, I start down the list, "14 pairs of underwear," "check," "14 pairs of socks," "check," "7 pairs of pants," "check," "7 pairs of shorts," "check," "2 towels," "oops," "sleeping bag," "oh I'll get that," and it goes down hill from there!

"Packed" seems to be a relative term to teenagers, so beware! Nothing will help you worry less than knowing you watched the important things go into the suitcase! Remember if they are traveling alone to get to the airport early, request a gate pass to walk them to the gate through security, and have them show you their passport, boarding tickets, money, etc... before you leave them.

Apart from knowing they have the "things" they need, if you are the parent of a junior or senior in high school, preparing for your teen being away this summer may bring up some anxiety about how close you are to having your teen leave home for college. As teens get older, they also are gone for longer periods of time, which adds to our anxiety. Try hard not to let it show - teens need our support and encouragement - and they may already be nervous.

For parents of the older teens trying to get your kids ready for two to four weeks away at camp, I send peaceful blessings! I know this phase of parenting is tough, but remember, this is our job - we are supposed to prepare them to be independent and happy adults. Helping them manage being away from home for a couple of weeks is a good trial for leaving home and being away for months at a time.

You can send them with the required summer reading, laundry soap and money for free time, remind them to take their vitamins and floss their teeth, and not lose their retainer, but then, you sit back and let them grow up. They will forget the bug spray until they get bit, forget the sunscreen until they burn, choose not to floss for a while, and forget to sort the clothes when doing laundry, but they need to learn.

They will also miss you, even if they never say it, so remember to plan ahead and send letters so they get them during camp - but no pictures - that might make them cry!

Have fun and remember to ask them to teach you a silly camp song when they return - next year you can hum it while they are gone!

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Families Struggle to Make Ends Meet

Do you know that a job making minimum wage ($8) brings in an annual salary of $16,640? A parent with two children living in the San Francisco Bay Area would need to work three full-time minimum wage jobs just to make ends meet.

The updated 2008 California Family Economic Self-Sufficiency Standard reports that the median self-sufficiency standard for the state of California has increased by $14,420 for a family of three while the minimum wage has increased by only $2,600, leaving most families unable to meet the cost of basic needs. When I say basic, I mean basic - housing, food, utilities, child care, health care, and transportation.

So, what does it cost to live in the SF Bay Area? Well, if a family lives in Marin County, the self-sufficiency standard is $73,576. If you live in Solano County, you can "get by" with $54,668! Santa Clara County is $68,430 and Santa Cruz County is $65,726. So, in Santa Clara County, a single adult with two kids would have to make at least $33 an hour just to cover the basics!

We are in so much trouble! No wonder families cannot provide health insurance, medications, clothes, and school supplies to their kids, and the credit debt in our country is skyrocketing! How can we focus on our families when we have to struggle to make ends meet?

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Staycations with Teens

Last month when my teens and I were planning our road trip to do community service at our beloved wolf sanctuary (Howling Acres) and to see the University of Oregon, at Eugene, which is on my eldest daughter's short list for college, I heeded my own advice and "checked in" with them about how excited they were about the trip.

What they said surprised me, and led to a radically different vacation. My teens were thinking that with camps and half the summer spent with their other parent, the two weeks we would be traveling were their only two weeks at home this summer and they were thinking maybe they would rather stay home!

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, my teens and I joined the thousands of families in the United States this summer who, faced with very busy school year schedules, rising gas prices, an uncertain economy, and one income that does not seem to go as far as it used to, decided to stay at home instead of taking our annual summer vacation.

We made a list of all of the cool places in the San Francisco Bay Area that we had not visited ever or recently, activities we wanted to do including an all day Monopoly game, days with friends, the beach, baking pies, picking blackberries, visiting IFly, and then developed a calendar in which we could sleep late, eat out a lot, and do at least one thing someone wanted to do each day.

We are one week into our "staycation" and I have to say we are all relaxed, happy, well into our summer reading books, and completely enjoying our family time. My house has seen better days, and there is a lot of laundry to do next week, but I recommend this to everyone!

Here's to lazy summer days!

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Alcohol Use and Teens: The Role of Adults

What are you telling your teens (with words or actions) about alcohol use? There was a very thought-provoking article in Time Magazine last week about alcohol use and teens. In spite of the fact that it focused on the negative and forgot to point out that nearly half of teens do not drink alcohol and 80% do not binge drink, it presented some very interesting facts including:

• more than half of underage teens drank alcohol;
• 40% of the underage drinkers got their alcohol from an adult; and
• 20% of underage drinkers have participated in binge drinking (5+ in a sitting).

The article also forgot to point out that alcohol is involved in most sexual assault and rape cases, which I think should always be mentioned. However, as disturbing as those facts are, the thing that bothered me the most was the critical and enabling role of adults. The article suggested that teens who binge drink are likely to come from families where an adult binge drinks, and much of the alcohol consumed was provided by adults.

I think this topic brings up several important assumptions and suggests a couple of key decisions for parents to make. First, the assumptions - do you as a parent think that it is inevitable that teens drink? Do you assume that if you do not provide teens with alcohol that they will get it somewhere else? Do you believe that teens who are prohibited from drinking are more likely to binge drink when they get to college, or turn 21? Do you believe your child would not drink and drive or get in a car with someone else who had been drinking? Do you think your child understand the vulnerability for sexual assault associated with alcohol use? Do you believe that your own relationship with alcohol use is healthy?

Now the decisions - will you allow your teen to drink at special occasions or dinner? Will you allow other teens to drink in your home at special occasions or dinner? Will you allow your teen to drink more than a small amount during the meal? Will you provide alcohol to teens during a party in your home? If alcohol is served at a party, should the parent be a) present, and b) liable for anything that happens? Will you drink more than one in front of your children? Will you drink and drive?

These are sticky questions and translate in real problems for adults who may not be responsible drinkers and for the few teens with a propensity for alcoholism and risk taking. I realize that your answers may be different if you grew up with an alcoholic parent, your child is a risk taker, or you live in a very alcohol-oriented community, but I think it is important to think about these issues and talk through them with your children.

As always, teens are more likely to abide by rules that they participate in making, seem fair, and have clear consequences if broken. Good luck!

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Labels: Alcohol, Healthline, Parenting, Teen Health

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Planning Vacations With Teens

It is summertime again and the vacation is coming! I am sorry to say but long gone are the years when the parents decided what the vacation would be, when it would be, and which activities would happen. Sorry, now you have teenagers.

If, as a parent, you are consciously trying to give more autonomy and responsibility to your teens, and teach them the things that we know as grownups, then it is time to include them in the planning. Just because you have gone someplace every year, seen certain relatives, or always done a certain activity, does not mean that, now that your kids are teens, it would be their first pick.

Respect and love in family vacation planning mean that everyone gets to do what they love, or at least some of what they love. Chances are good that in your family, like mine, you have very different personalities. One person wants to do an all day zip line safari, one wants to edit a chapter of a book she is writing, one wants to kayak, and one wants to see a museum.

You may be lucky and have malleable teens who will do what they are told, and never complain, but that does not mean they are happy or learning how to make a memorable vacation happen. More likely, if you have not included the teen in the planning, you have a teen who seems reluctant during the planning, not very excited about the trip, says "do I really have to come?" or worse ye, is sullen and withdrawn during the entire vacation.

Any reluctance or ambivalence is a clue that your teen does not feel included in the planning, and is likely not going to have the best time in the world. Fear not! It is never too late to include them. Haul out the map, or the go to the Chamber of Commerce in the city where you will be visiting via the Internet, and tell the kids it is time they helped plan the vacation. Depending on your plan, the teens in the family can be given a day to plan, or an activity to pick, or a place to stop along the drive. Letting them pick some of what they do will add to their excitement and make them more tolerant of doing the things other people in the family want to do.

A few other hints: 1) have media-free time during the day - whether it is an hour or until after dinner, people can only interact if they are not focused on a screen or the music blaring in their ears; 2) food should be included in the planning and be a high point of every day - let them help plan, shop, prepare, serve, and clean-up; and 3) parents - unplug - no work, checking messages, answering email, etc... family is the most important now!

Have a great vacation!

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Book Review: Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen

As a parent of two girls, I know that they can use all the information they can get to help navigate the changes they experience during the gain of "40 pounds and 10 inches" associated with puberty!

In 2006 the American Medical Association published a wonderful book to help parent and teens, called "The Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen." Even though there are some great books about puberty out there for girls, this one is pretty comprehensive, so I thought I would review this one for the awesome readers of Teen Health 411.

I am very glad I read this book, and suggest every family with young girls put a copy on their bookshelf (hence the link above takes you to Amazon.com).

This is a straightforward book about the physical and emotional changes that girls will experience somewhere after age 8 as their bodies change from children to adults. I was not happy that the first few chapters focus on eating, exercise and weight, because I think choosing that focus just feeds right into our culture's obsession with "external beauty," but talking about this with our daughters can mitigate the impact.

The authors are comforting and matter-of-fact about breasts, smells and vaginal discharge, eating, fitness, height, weight, skin, hair and hair removal, teeth, feelings, and relationships. I think a nice addition to the book would have been a hygiene chart, so here is a link to one: hygiene chart for preteens. There is some talk about sexuality, sexually transmitted infections, and contraception, but not in great detail, and very appropriate for preteens.

This book does a good job of addressing the social aspects of being a preteen - making friends, being a friend, bullying, sexual harassment and even sexual assault and abuse all have short sections with important ideas for preteens to think about.

Again, books about puberty are a conversation starter for parents - no book includes all the information preteens need about puberty, relationships, and sexuality - but this book is a great start. Leave it out and your daughter will find it, or encourage her to read it! You want her to understand that you are approachable about health questions and want to be the one who answers her questions.

Be brave - get the book and start reading! It would be a good one for boys, too - to help take the mystery out of periods, breasts, and girls! Good luck!

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Book Review: Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen

In 2006 the American Medical Association published a wonderful book called "The Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen." There are not many good books about puberty for boys out there, so I thought I would review this one for the fabulous readers of Teen Health 411.

I am very glad I read this book, and suggest every family with young boys put a copy on their bookshelf (hence the link above takes you to Amazon.com).

This is a straightforward book about the physical and emotional changes that boys will experience somewhere between 8 and 16 as their bodies change from children to adults. The book is completely sensitive to the range of changes boys experience, with some becoming hairy in the 4th grade and others never being able to grow a beard.

The authors are comforting and matter-of-fact about eating, fitness, height, weight, skin, hair, teeth, feelings, relationships, and most importantly to the target audience, penis 101 - scrotum, testicles, penises, yes, they tend to be crooked, erections, wet dreams and even masturbation are presented simply and without judgment. There is some talk about sexuality and contraception, but not in great detail, and very appropriate for preteens.

What sets this book apart from other books about puberty may be the extent to which it addresses the "feeling" side of boys - self esteem, relationships with peers and parents, strategies for coping with being shy, angry, and even stressed out. Making friends, being a friend, experimentation with substances and cigarettes, bullying, sexual harassment and even sexual assault and abuse all have short sections with important ideas for boys to think about.

I feel the same way about most books about puberty - they are really a conversation starter for parents - not all the information any preteen or teen needs about puberty, relationships, and sexuality - but this book is a great start. If you can tell your son you would like him to read it, and then make an appointment to talk about it - it will help him understand that you are approachable about health questions and want to be the one who answers his questions.

Be brave - get the book and start reading! It would be a good one for girls, too - so they have a little more compassion for the preteen boys in their lives! Good luck!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Preteens

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Sugar and a Soda Free Summer

The SF Bay Area is gearing up to have a "Soda Free Summer!" Six counties are being encouraged by the public health department and many community-based organizations to learn about the health risks associated with soda consumption and help families avoid soda.

Soda, along with sweetened teas and sports drinks are seen as a key cause of the nation's obesity trends, particularly in youth. Studies have shown that the extra calories from soda and other sweetened drinks leads to weight gain because they do not satisfy people's hunger, therefore they are just extra calories.

The Center for Weight and Health at U.C. Berkeley reports that sugared beverage consumption has increased 500% in the last 50 years, at the same time that obesity and diabetes rates have skyrocketed.

Rethink Your Drink! One medium triple thick chocolate shake from McDonalds has 21 teaspoons of sugar in it. One 20 oz. bottle of coke has over 16 teaspoons of sugar in it. Sunny Delight (16 oz) has 15 teaspoons of sugar in it. And lest you think water is good for you, Vitamin Water (20 oz) has 8 teaspoons of sugar in it (the same amount of sugar as a Snickers Bar).

You can calculate how many teaspoons of sugar are in your food or drink using this:
Fact: 4 grams (g) of sugar = 1 teaspoon of sugar
Math: Amount of sugar on label times (x) servings per container = total grams of sugar
Answer: Total grams of sugar divided by 4 = teaspoons of sugar in your food

Alternatives to soda include water with some fresh mint leaves or a slice of orange, lemon or lime and smoothies with non-fat yogurt and fresh fruit, low-fat or non-fat milk.

For educators, you can get sugar savvy curriculum materials in English and Spanish at the Bay Area Nutrition & Physical Activity Collaborative (banpac), and the soda free summer site has family materials in English, Spanish, Vietnamese and Chinese.

Have fun being healthier this summer!

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I Won't Grow Up! Part 2

I promised follow-up, and here it is, although not very dramatic. The weekend arrived, and of course, the list remained undone, but my resolute teen started on the list, and stayed focused for about four hours. She then took a break and enjoyed walking to have dinner out with the family, and then she came home and set back to work, finishing the largest of the tasks before (a late) bedtime.

Saturday morning came and she asked if she could read and have coffee with everyone else versus starting right away, which her younger sister told her was a brilliant move! After breakfast the girls were focused and had their room clean and all the other tasks done by 2 PM.

So the fun began and we still have two days of beautiful weather, plenty of time, and new movies in the theaters. The only nasty task is mega homework, which she can work on for several hours each day, without my supervision. I have to say that this experiment was painless and I think what I learned is that patience is better than anger with my older teen, and being clear with expectations, and consequences, in addition to providing a timeline lets her take control.

My teen is very conscious of her responsibilities, but not above ignoring them if she thinks she can. I guess that makes her normal!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Teen Development

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Sexual Risk Reduction Information to Parents

Statistics from the 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, a representative survey of high school youth, indicated that 47% of adolescents in grades 9 through 12 engaged in sexual intercourse, and 6.2% did so before the age of 13.

The good news is that 53% had not had sex, which is good news for all parents. Given the high rates of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancies among sexually active teens, knowing that the majority of teens are choosing not to be sexual is comforting to those of us who worry about teens and should be passed on to teens, to normalize their choice not to be sexually active.

I think parents are an underutilized source of prevention education. The literature suggests that teens who talk to their parents about sex are less likely to engage in sex and more likely to use protection if they do. The literature also supports the fact that teens want to hear from parents and the fact that parents are the best educators of their teens, because they can pass on family values, in addition to information, whereas doctors and teachers focus on facts.

Since pediatricians and parents are both important components of sexual risk prevention efforts for adolescents, it would be great if pediatricians promoted parent-child communication during annual visits. Maybe at the same time the doctors suggest parents leave the exam room for a few minutes, and they explain state laws about confidential reproductive health care, they could suggest parents talk to kids about risk behaviors.

There are many resources to help, and here are a few:

Web Sites
Palo Alto Medical Foundation provides health information for parents and children.

• Parent Resources -- for parents of children of all ages.
• We're Talking -- Teen Health Info. -- for children, ages 13 to 18 and their parents. The purpose is to help youth find medically accurate information about health, and to stimulate important conversations between parents and children.
• We’re Talking, Too: Preteen Health Talk -- for children, ages 9 to 12 and their parents. The purpose is to help students learn about such topics as growing up, friendship, hygiene, empathy, divorce, stress, fitness, bullying and body changes, and to stimulate important conversations between parents and children.

Talking with Kids About Tough Issues is a national campaign by Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation. You can find tips, resources, and facts about sex, HIV & AIDS, violence and drugs.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy seeks to improve the well-being of children, youth, and families by reducing teen pregnancy. The Campaign's goal is to reduce the teen pregnancy rate by one-third between 1996 and 2005.

Planned Parenthood is the world's largest and oldest voluntary family planning organization. Planned Parenthood is dedicated to the principles that every individual has a fundamental right to decide when or whether to have a child, and that every child should be wanted and loved.

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Sexuality Education, Teen Health

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I Won't Grow Up!

What does it look and sound like when a very responsible 16-year old apparently decides that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be and refuses to practice the independence you have tried to give her - for several weeks?

I think it looks like this:

• I forgot my article for the school paper was due today;
• I forgot to take the sheets of my bed so they could be washed;
• I would rather not drive myself to work, will you please drive me;
• I can't walk the dog, there is not enough time;
• I was too busy to study for the test;
• Could you change that medical appointment for me, I have to work that day;
  
• I have not had time to complete that ...

but,

• I need you to make an appointment for my haircut;
• I would like to go see that new movie;
• I would like my clothes clean for work tomorrow;
• I need to be early for work;
  
• I should be able to stay up until 10 PM now;
• I would like to spend time with my friends; and
• I would like to read that new book by Meyer.

Confused as any parent would be, let's take this problem apart. It would seem that the teen above is only able to find time to do the things she likes and is only "forgetting" the things she does not want to do, and given this is a bright, articulate young woman, without any health problems, selective amnesia is my only conclusion.

Now, given this teen asks for little direct nurturing and care taking these days, it might be easy to do these things for her, cut her some lack and forgive the amnesia, which I have done for several weeks, but her luck has run out. In this house, we believe that completing our responsibilities makes us feel loved and strong, so there must be a way to help her back into the groove.

What shall I do with this selectively forgetful teen who seems to want to be a young child if it means having things done for her, but an independent teen when it comes to the privileges that age has to give her. I thought about this dilemma all weekend and came to the following conclusion. Let me know what you think of this natural consequence, and I promise to let you know how it goes.

Next weekend being a long weekend, there will be plenty of time to complete all of the things she has been forgetting, and to help her do that, the "fun"parts of the weekend - seeing a new movie, a fondue party, and a trip to the beach - will not happen until she has taken care of everything that has been sliding in the last month.

To prepare her, I have created a list of what those things are, and last night we discussed the list, and she knows when the fun stuff is planned during the weekend. She now has the option of doing all the backed up projects during the week, or leaving them for the weekend potentially missing the family fun during the weekend. I admit a little surprise at her response to my proposal - she said "seems fair," and the evening went on ...

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Teen Development

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Great Parent Resource

The Palo Alto Medical Foundation (PAMF) offers a wonderful online resource for parents of children of all ages. The physicians and staff members of the PAMF know there are many questions and concerns that come with raising a child.

Whether a parent is looking for answers about a newborn's development, seeking advice on talking to a preteen about difficult topics or watching a teen struggle with making the right decision, PAMF is a great place to look.

Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Preteens, Teen Health

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Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day everyone! I hope that you managed to mother yourself, your children, your own mother, your partner, your pets, your house, your work, the earth, and the people you came into contact with today.

What a wonderful opportunity Mother's Day is to appreciate all of the unconditional love and attention that we enjoy every day and all of the blessings of love and attention we are able to bestow on others. Today is a chance to be thankful for all of the opportunities we have to teach, love, nurture, care for, and sustain the people in our lives!

I hope you find joy and love today!

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Labels: Financial Education, Healthline, Holidays, Parenting, School

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The First Day at Work - for Teens and Parents

For teens, congratulations - you have done it - you have a job and today is the first day! Take a deep breath, be early and enthusiastic. Remember that every person working where you work now had a first day and will understand when you have questions and worries. Do not be shy - ask away. It is better to ask then do things incorrectly. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Be clear with your manager about how many hours you think you can work each week and still get your homework done;
• Ask for the combination of after school and weekend hours that you think will work for you;
• If you work in the food industry, like many teens, ask if you get a free meal each day;
• Ask for a break after four hours;
• If there is a tip jar, ask how the tips get divided each day;
• Know when paydays are, if you have to complete a time sheet, and when the schedule is posted each week; and finally,
• Do not call to ask when you are working the following week - go by and write your schedule down.

Welcome to the world of us working stiffs - enjoy the first paycheck, sense of accomplishment and the freedom that comes with growing up!

For parents, remember that your teen does not know business etiquette and is trying to make a good first impression. The type of job s/he has may also be very different and she may not know when s/he is working until each week starts. Be tolerant when s/he does not ask for a day off knowing a family event or school performance is coming up, do not be critical when they wash dishes for an entire shift, or volunteer to take an extra shift for someone, or do not know the answers to your questions. We have been working for many years and things that seem logical and easy to us make intimidate your teen.

Try to see the world through their eyes - their peers have been working longer, seem more competent, and seem to know exactly what is going on - and your son or daughter does not want to rock the boat. Encouragement and love will go a lot further than pushy and critical - let them learn slowly and make a few mistakes - it will not be the end of the world. Finally, help them be proactive about finding a balance between school, work, family and social time - we all know how hard it can be, and avoiding teenage meltdowns is always a good thing.

Congratulations to you, the parent, too, this is a milestone for you, as well.

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New Media In The Everyday Lives of Youth

I went to the public forum presented by commonsense media and the MacArthur Foundation at Stanford last Wednesday and was pleasantly surprised by the range of information presented during the two hours, particularly that it was primarily qualitative. Sadly, after a 12-hour day I had to get home to kids and missed the reception, but the conversations started in the forum were very interesting.

Basically, the MacArthur Foundation, under the competent guidance of Connie Yowell has funded a tremendous amount of research about how digital technologies and new media are changing the way that young people learn, socialize, and participate in civic life. I should probably admit here that I am one who usually is arguing in favor of turning off the TV, the computer, the phone, and anything else that pulls teens away from families, free time, and old-fashioned "face time."

What surprised me Wednesday was that some of the character-building experiences I associated with real-time face-to-face contact may actually be occurring while kids are mixing music, making videos, or publishing on fanfiction sites. I found the "presentation of self" on social networks research by Danah Boyd (UC Berkeley) really interesting and wished that the research presented in the first half of the presentation was being integrated more by the media and technology leaders present in the panel discussion.

I walked away with two very strong feelings. First, more work needs to be done to connect different generations via media - children and teens need (safe, supportive, asset-building) relationships with older people to grow, expand their realities, and learn skills they will need in their futures. With media being second nature to the current generation, we need more tools to bring those of us who are older into the conversation, in a painless way, that does not make us feel stupid, I might add. Related to that, there is some immediate parent-education to be done about not only Internet Safety, and how to keep boundaries, so that kids are not forgoing sunshine, nutrition and exercise for excessive screen time, but also about the benefits of media, and how publishing a story on a fanfiction site, may be as beneficial to the self-esteem of a "non-cookie cutter teen" as being a star athlete is to another teen.

Here is the chest-beating: Parents need to start engaging in the media that our children participate in. We used to say watch the TV shows your kids are watching, listen to their music ... but the world has changed and now we need to add, visit their social network sites, read their online writing or blogging. Do not be afraid of appearing stupid - just accept it and move through it - our children need us present where they are learning about the world and themselves! We cannot fight progress!

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Labels: Healthline, Media, Parenting

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A Parenting Book That Could Change Your Life

OK, I know, I sound like an infomercial, but I am serious. How does never being angry at your teenager again sound? How about raising happy and responsible children? Who could not want to experience those things?

Dr. Greg Baer, the author of "Real Love in Parenting," thinks he can teach you the way to raise wonderful children and be a happier person in the process. I tell you, I keep looking for something to be suspicious about this guy, but I am in the middle of my second book and am loving it.

I do not think I have a read a book that impacted so much of my life since I was in college. This book is also having an effect on my kids. I keep reading sections out loud and both kids really enjoy what this man has to say.

The basic premise is that people need to know they are unconditionally loved, and as parents we think we do love our children unconditionally, until you read this book and start to realize how much of our connection is conditional - and not about our children, at all.

There are definitely some things you will not like, for example, he believes that most of us are woefully unprepared to be parents and that our lack of parenting skills is the reason we have rebellious, angry, disobedient children. The nice part of his message is that we need to forgive ourselves - because no one has ever taught us to be good parents and we cannot give away what we do not have.

He describes our children as suffering, and believes that if we feel loved and love our children, we will never be disappointed or angry at them again. He illustrates the truth in this over and over with real-life situations and solutions. Every family, every parent should read this book.

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Emergency Preparedness for Teens Home Alone

I have encouraged parents to put an In Case of Emergency (ICE) number into their children's cell phones, as well as some names of adults you trust to help in an emergency when the parents cannot be reached, but what I forgot was to encourage parents to program in the phone number of your local advice nurse.

As our teens get older and start staying at home alone, or with their siblings, stuff is going to happen, so help them be prepared. All teens should know how to turn off the water, gas, and electricity to your home, as well as know where to find the emergency numbers for the utility company, police, and maybe a neighbor. I also recently learned the hard way that they should know to call the advice nurse at your doctor's office in case of a medical emergency.

The other day my teens were with their "other" parent, who lives in a rural area, and I did not realize they were alone when I answered my cell phone at work with, "hey there terrific kid, I just muted a conference call, so be quick." My eldest was silent a brief second and then asked for a friend's number, because she did not have her cell phone with her. I gave it to her, told her I loved her, and went back to my conference call. That night when I called to say goodnight, my youngest told me that she had experienced a nosebleed from hell that morning that resulted in the bathroom looking like a CSI crime scene, a blood clot that she had to spit out that left her dizzy and pale, and a couple of scared teenagers.

Oh my goodness, I could not believe that my oldest daughter had not told me what was happening when she called, just gotten the number of a local mom who she called, and all was good, but I could not believe she decided to "handle it," so my call would not be disturbed. We talked, the advice nurse number is now programmed in both cell phones, and my oldest is clear that parents need to know what is going on. However, I also realize that from her perspective - it was an adult-like moment - she was trying to honor the fact that I was busy and felt like she could handle it. Sweet girl, rotten idea.

So there you have it. Live and learn, and please give your kids the information they may need to handle a medical emergency.

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Labels: Healthline, Injuries, Parenting, Teen Health

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Homeschooling Banned in CA?

On February 28, 2008 the Second District Court of Appeal ruled that California law requires parents to send their children to full-time public or private schools or have them taught by credentialed tutors at home. Specifically, California's compulsory education statutes require children ages 6 to 18 to attend a full-time day school, either public or private, or to be instructed by a tutor who holds a state credential for the child's grade level. This seems to be news to the ~166,000 children who are apparently truant and whose parents risk prosecution.

The ruling was in response to a child welfare dispute with one family in Los Angeles County that homeschools their eight children, but who are not registered with the state as a private school, which is how many families get around the law. Their opinion is not new, and the 3-0 ruling sites cases in 1953 and 1961 reiterating that parents do not have a constitutional right to homeschool their children.

California might be the only state to make homeschooling illegal, if it started prosecuting families not in compliance with the law. I have to say I have feelings on both sides of this issue - I know homschooled kids who are below grade level academically and I know of a few who have soared into top-notch colleges - but underneath it all - I believe kids deserve an education that teaches them how to be good citizens, and will give them the opportunity to participate in our economy at whatever level they choose to in the future. What do you think?

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, School

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A Gap Year - What is That?

My daughter has a friend whose family is into "gap years" between high school and college and when she first suggested the idea I have to admit I was a bit reluctant, but it was because I did not understand what a "gap year," was. I thought it meant putting off applying to college for a year, but in fact, there are several ways gap years happen. Basically, a gap year is a structured program the year after high school and before college, and even during or after college. The idea seems to be much more popular in Europe than it has been here, and the key is "structured."

There are two types of kids that this gap year works for: the first is the highly motivated student who has already been accepted into college, and defers starting for one year, and the second is the student who struggled through high school and needs a break from the academic pressure before applying to college. For the highly motivated student, the gap year can provide a year to gain maturity, get an international perspective, and maybe do service work or an internship. For the struggling student, the gap year can provide an opportunity to explore possible careers and also regain focus and drive to get more out of an academic program when they do apply.

Harvard has been encouraging youth to do this for many years with up to 20% of their students taking some time off and Princeton University recently announced a program starting in 2009 that will send 10% of their incoming frosh to do social service work in a foreign country before they start their freshman year.

There are two agencies that help match students with a gap year opportunity - the Center for Interim Programs and the Dynamy Internship Year. Both programs describe the gap year as helping students be self-reliant, self-confident, and more focused for academics the following year. To find out if the idea of a gap year is right for your teen, the first step is probably meeting with the college counselor to discuss it and exploring the two web site links above.

Given that there is some concern about the emotional preparedness of our high school seniors and their readiness to live independently, as well as the consequences of the academic pressure they experience, I have to admit a gap year is not looking like a bad idea.

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Labels: College, Healthline, Parenting

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Stanford Here We Come!

How does free tuition sound to you parents of high school students? Well it is true! On Wednesday, February 20, 2008 Stanford announced that families earning less than $100,000 a year will not have to pay tuition for their children to attend Stanford University. In addition, if a family makes less than $60,000, the university will throw in the cost of room and board and other expenses - I am assuming they mean books.

This new (and largest increase in its history) commitment to financial aid means the university will allocate $114 million to its financial-aid program for the 2008-2009 academic year which will likely increase the aid provided to three out of four current students, as well as providing support for new students. The goal of this new program is to eliminate the need for student loans to cover the current annual undergraduate expense of about $45,606 a year ($34,800 of which is tuition). Stanford University John Hennessey said that "no high school senior should rule out applying to Stanford because of the cost," which is truly reminiscent of the Stanford's goal of founding the university "for the children of workers."

My graduate degree is from Stanford and as a person from blue-collar roots I can tell you that it may take a while for the impact of this new program to take hold, but it will be wonderful for youth from all socioeconomic status (SES) levels to be able to walk onto the Stanford campus and feel like they belong there because of their brain and character, not their SES. It would be naive however to trust that every youth who gets accepted has had the same academic preparation though and I predict that the university will also have to increase the budget for the programs providing mentorship and small class sizes that actually facilitate faculty and students getting to know one another, one example being Freshman and Sophomore Programs, which happens to be celebrating its 10 year anniversary.

Look out Stanford here comes some amazing young people - and thanks from all of us parents who want our children to be able to see their dreams come true!

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Unconditional Love: How Hard Can It Be?

Continuing with the theme about the impact of advertising, I set out trying to find an explanation about why advertising works so well on the American people. What I found was a book that could have a profound impact on how we parent. "Real Love," by Greg Baer (2003) suggests that we are all lacking "unconditional love," so we seek out experiences (and products) that give us feelings of power, pleasure, praise, and safety, which are "imitation love," and leave us feeling empty and miserable. Using example after example, from his own life, and the lives of others, Dr. Baer points out that people who do not feel unconditionally loved will do anything to eliminate the pain of their emptiness, making us vulnerable to advertising and manipulation by others.

Here is the sad part: it is our parenting that creates humans with this vacuum, so happily filled by advertising and consumer goods, and leading to unfulfilling intimate relationships in which people trade "imitation love." Seeking power, pleasure, praise and safety, goes hand in hand with not accepting responsibility for our mistakes, chasing praise, and feeling disappointed and angry that there "is never enough." Dr. Baer suggests that being ungrateful is a natural result of having expectations, which we set up to fill our sense of "emptiness," and "fear that we will be alone. If we expect anything from other people, we will always be disappointed instead of grateful.

Dr. Baer suggests that without meaning to do it, we convey to our children that we accept them only when they do what we want. When we are disappointed in them, our sighs, frowns, and even words tell them that at that moment we love them less, they are unacceptable, and even defective. Feeling this way, children learn to protect themselves with lies, anger, acting like a victim, and running away, and look for something to make themselves feel better. Here is a tough concept: If we love someone and genuinely accept them, we never feel disappointment or anger.

Good parenting is not a technique, nor is it an opportunity to manipulate children to behave in ways that are convenient for us. Families should provide a place where children feel unconditional love and learn to love others. However, a child cannot feel that unconditional love or happiness while carrying the burden of making his or her parents happy. "No parent ever has the right to expect love from a child. It is the responsibility of the parents to teach and love their children, not the other way around."

It may not be a popular answer, but according to this book, we cannot blame our children's problems on them, their peers, the school, television, advertising, video games, or anything else... we own the problems of our children. Luckily for us, he is not mean about this - as he provides unconditional love to all of us - and suggests it is never too late to provide happiness to ourselves and our children. By finding unconditional love ourselves, we can help our children be happy, too.

This does not mean that there is no discipline, it just means there is no disappointment and anger when we provide that discipline, or correction. To eliminate feelings of disappointment and anger, he suggests five steps, and describes how to use them:

• Be quiet
• Be wrong
• Feel loved
• Get loved
• Be loving

I do not know about you, but a little unconditional love sounds like just what the doctor ordered - healing old wounds and creating a generation of people who are truly happy and therefore have no need to drink, smoke, have indiscriminate sex, yell at anyone, fight with their siblings, act out in school, or use extreme forms of entertainment to "feel good" sounds like a noble goal worth trying. Of course, he has a newer book (2005) which about parenting, so stay tuned for another review.

Happy parenting!

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Happy Valentine's Day

Parents, Valentine's Day is your opportunity to spoil your teenagers! Make them a nice breakfast, or a cup of tea before school, take them out for gelato, see a family-friendly movie, share a special dinner, give them a love gift, or tell them they are wonderful!

Teenagers, today is an opportunity to remind your parents that you do love them, when they are not embarrassing you, hassling you, nagging you, pressuring you, or expecting too much! Deep down, you remember that they love you - so say thanks today! Tea in bed, a love note in a briefcase, a flower in the kitchen, a chocolate, doing a chore without being asked, or just a big hug will do - and get you a lot of brownie points!

Valentine's Day is all about feeling the blessings of the love we share - at least most days - and remembering to celebrate the relationships we value and work so hard to sustain. Have fun, remember what you love about each other, and spend a little time together - you will all feel better!

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Labels: Healthline, Holidays, Parenting, Teen Health

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Book Review: Can't Buy My Love (How Advertsing Changes the Way We Think and Feel)

Have I said lately how much I love having a great excuse to read a book? For the last two weeks I told myself "I have to finish that blog post," and I got to read a whole book. As a parent I know it can be hard to make time to read, but this book is worth the effort.

Can't Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel (1999) is by Jean Kilbourne, the woman who brought us great videos like "Killing Us Softly: Advertising's Image of Women (2000)," "Slim Hopes: Advertising & The Obsession with Thinness (1995)," "Spin the Bottle: Sex, Lies & Alcohol (2004)," and "Deadly Persuasion: The Advertising of Alcohol & Tobacco (2003)." As you can see by her other work, this author is about awareness, and as a behavioral psychologist, I know that awareness is the first step in behavior change, and this book brings it on! Have fun reading!

Be warned - this book is dense and hopefully will inflame your sense of decency and inspire social protest! The message of the book is that whether or not we admit it, we are each profoundly influenced by advertising, and our children are growing up in a toxic cultural environment. Adolescents and children are inexperienced consumers, and that makes them prime targets for the power of advertising. This author helps us realize that the messages we get from advertising (about 3,000 a day) are inside our heads, relationships, hearts, offices, and homes. Advertisers use every emotion we have to first undermine our sense of selves, beauty, efficiency, productivity, ability to function as a person, parent, spouse, employee and community member - and then sell us products that transform our weaknesses and make us superior to others.

I think the most disconcerting thing about this book for me was the realization that to the advertising industry, we are all just sheep, being fed to the wolves, particularly, young women. None of us can withstand the pressure to believe in "happily ever after stories," where roses and affection are enough! Who could love us for who and what we are, when there is always someone better out there? Advertising undermines our ability to love ourselves and others. We are constantly told that we are not good enough: our skin, wrinkles, nails and hair are beyond even a dermatologists help, our butts and thighs are way too big, our breasts are never big enough, and we need better cars, homes, clothing, and activities if we want to have a good, long, lasting relationship, which by the way is impossible, because when something gets old, our society replaces it!

If everything we aspire to can be bought, then why are there so many broken hearts? If we can smoke and eat like a bird to be thin, drive the fastest car, "deal" with our fertility using better birth control pills, drink alcohol to make us fearless, rebellious, independent, and invincible, and buy products guaranteed to transform even an old goat into a beauty, then why are our health care costs soaring?

This book brings home the fact that everywhere we look, we are offered false excitement and pseudo-intensity. Not only does this inevitably disappoint us, it also contributes to the general belief in our culture that every moment of our lives should be exciting, fun, sexy, passionate, and intense, suggesting that the things we do everyday for the people we love are worthless, mundane, and "what we settle for," instead of what we value. We are addicts and the messages from the advertising industry is our drug. Without the products they are selling, we will all be isolated, alone, ugly, and depressed.

When will we get it through our thick skulls that Internet, TV, radio, billboard, and print advertising are teaching our children to consume, escape, be greedy and violent? Eating disorders, depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug use, smoking, and cosmetic augmentation are increasing, and the advertising industry is not helping. What can parents, teachers, adolescents, and health care policy do to change this, and when will we demand it?

Resources
All of the videos are available at MediaEd.org and Ms. Kilbourne's website includes some great resources, as well.

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Labels: Advertising, Book Review, Healthline, Parenting

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College Applications and Facebook/MySpace Pages

As more teens create pages on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, it is important for parents to remind them that what they post is visible to anyone in the world with Internet access. For some reason, teens seem to believe that only their intended audience is accessing their pages and do not think that potential employers and colleges they apply to can see those pages and use the impression they get in admission or hiring decisions, but they can and do!

It costs employers money to hire new employees and they want to attract good employees, similarly to universities that want students who will reflect well on their reputation. It is in the best interest of the colleges and employers to learn everything they can about a person, so all information is fair game.

It is interesting to note that although it is illegal to ask about personal life, disability, religion, etc.. during the hiring process, it is not illegal to look at a Facebook page, which may include all of that information.

A new study "The Game Has Changed..." done at the Center for Marketing Research at the University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth (CMR) reported that 21% of colleges and universities sometimes review students and social-networking profiles and more than 26% look for information about student using standard search engines. Be smart!

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Labels: College, Healthline, Parenting, Teen Health

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California Ranks 48th in Country for the Number of College-Bound High School Grads

The National Center for Higher Education Management Systems reports that less than 44% of California's high school graduates attend college within a year compared to nearly 70% in states like New York. This suggests that schools and families are not helping children expect to go to college, or providing the support they need to get there.

CA Senate Bill 890 seeks to reverse that trend by increasing the focus on college for student starting in the sixth grade. From what I gather, it would require schools to give all pupils enrolled in grades 6 to 9 and their parent or legal guardian the opportunity to sign a "Save Me a Spot in College" pledge. In addition, participating school districts would be required to provide college information and college preparation events. The bill would provide that a pupil who signs a pledge declares a commitment to prepare for college, finish high school, and enroll in college and commits, among other things, to meet all graduation requirements, take college preparatory coursework, complete and file a free application for federal student aid, and submit his or her grade point average to the Student Aid Commission by March 2 of his or her senior year.

A pupil who signs the pledge and is certified by his or her school district as having fulfilled the requirements of the pledge would be pre-approved to receive, upon completion of high school enrollment at a community college, a fee waiver under the California Community College Board of Governor's fee waiver program for two or more years of enrollment at a California community college. The bill would encourage the California Community Colleges, the University of California, the California State University, independent colleges and universities, the California Student Opportunity and Access Program, the Student Aid Commission, and other nonprofit, business, or other community organizations to provide support services as needed in coordination with local school districts.

This sounds great, but I think sixth grade is a little late for introducing the concept of college, and the focus seems to be on what the student can do versus what schools can do. Children need to grow up believing that college follows high school and have mentors with college degrees to help them believe they can make it to college. This generation does not have the luxury of choosing to attend college. Without a college degree, it is nearly impossible to raise a family, particularly in the urban areas of our state. I do not think the proposed bill goes nearly far enough to help every child expect to attend college.

I am re-posting this because I want to add a very concrete suggestion for parent education. In schools with large numbers of parents who may not have attended college, parent education should provide information, brochures and suggestions for parents who want to make sure their child goes to college.

In elementary school, parents can attend community days at colleges, take their kids to college campuses, which frequently have museums, art shows, planetariums, exhibit halls, and arts performances. Parents need to use the words "when you go to college," with kids from the minute they are born, and talk abaout young adulthood as the time when children will be in college. During high school parents need to know that they have to register their children to take the PSAT test and understand what counseling services the high school provides, and where to get more.

Children can pledge to go to college, but it will take a lot of effort from parents and schools to help turn that dream into a reality. We can all help!

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Labels: Healthline, Mental Health, Parenting

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Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year 2007

Below are the top ten words of 2007 according to the thousands of people who participated in the Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year contest for 2007. Several of these words are not even in dictionaries yet, but they will be, soon. This years best word, "woot," first became popular in competitive online gaming and hacker circles

• Woot - an expression of joy or triumph, similar to use of the word "yay"
• Facebook - to upload a photograph, create an event entry, to get on facebook, look someone up on facebook, or add someone to your ist of friends on facebook
• Conundrum - a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun; a difficult problem
• Quixotic - foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals; marked by rash lofty or romantic ideas
• Blamestorm - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or project failed and who was responsible
• Sardoodledom - mechanically contrived plot structure and stereotyped or unrealistic characterization in drama
• Apathetic - having or showing little interest, feeling, emotion, or concern
• Pecksniffian - smooth, greasy, and plastic hypocrisy (Seth Pecksniff was a character by Dickens)
• Hypocrite - a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion, or who acts contrary to his or her stated beliefs or feelings
• Charlatan - a quack, someone who makes a showy pretense of knowledge or ability

This is where my children step up and say, "Mom, you are such an egghead!" But hey, words are cool and I will get the last laugh when an English teacher gives either of them an extra point on a test for knowing what the word of the year is!

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Labels: Parenting, Teen Development

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Preteen PMS - What is a Parent To Do?

Recently I have had several conversations with parents who are just at their wits end with preteens who seem to be experiencing PMS symptoms before they are actually having periods. Their 11- and 12-year old daughters are having headaches or extremely emotional (e.g., getting tearful, angry, sad, or irritated - the bite your head off kind of irritated) on a regular basis.

That is the key - "on a regular basis." Many people may not know that for about a year before preteens actually start having periods their hormones are cycling. This gives all the emotional and physical feelings of menstruation without the evidence (or relief) of the actual period. On top of that, preteens may just not understand why they are having emotions that feel completely intense and uncontrollable.

Parents can help. It is time to have a longer chat about PMS and menstruation, prepare a period pack they can keep with them, and I suggest you print an annual calendar and keep track of the headache and uber-emotional days with little dots - or colors - to help your daughter see the "pattern" and start understanding how her cycle works.

Coping strategies my own daughters liked included chocolate, the one-use heating pads that you wrap around your belly, and you can even try Midol (if there is no contraindication to diuretic use) even if they are not having a period. For the parent, when your daughter bites your head off - stop, shake your head, laugh if you can, and yell "get the chocolate" - you are not going to win!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Preteens

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Meals Matter from the Dairy Council of California

By 2030, the American Hospital Association estimates that more than 37 million midlife adults will be managing more than one chronic condition such as obesity or diabetes. The Dairy Council of California is providing a three-week self-directed Nutrition and Fitness Challenge at their website Meals Matter to help people achieve nutrition and fitness goals faster. Once you sign up you will receive a weekly email that guides you through the steps to achieving your goals.

As steps in the process, you will learn

• Your Body Mass Index (BMI) and calorie needs
• Assess your current activity level using online tools
• Find out about your food personality and even keep track of your food
• Track your progress and make adjustments to your food and activity logs
• Pus, get expert tips and a great resource page

During the three weeks you will be able to assess your current eating and set goals based on food preferences and health priorities with some very cool online tools. You and your teens can learn more about how to balance your exercise and eating, and find recipes that meet your goals. How fun is that! Start today (you must register by 1/14/08) and good luck! You can find this information at www.mealsmatter.org.

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Labels: Healthline, Obesity, Parenting

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Dear Ms. President

Congratulations on your election. While you are waiting to take office on 1.20.09 I would appreciate you thinking about how you plan to help teenagers in the United States be healthier, happier, and more successful. While you are thinking about them, please remember that there are parents who love those teens, feel responsible for them, and are trying to give them the skills they will need to be successful adults.

To be healthy in our world today, teens face some serious obstacles. The success of our country has opened up the world of opportunity to some youth, but in many cases we cannot guarantee their basic needs. More and more youth are experiencing eating disorders, depression, anxiety and trouble maintaining a positive self-esteem. They need preventive health care, immunizations, nutritious meals, plenty of sleep, health education that includes wellness, safe & effective schools, healthy communities, exercise, non-toxic water, air and food, opportunities to serve others, meaningful work, and to have fun. Teens also need access to health care, providers they trust and see on a regular basis, as well as communication skills to avoid abusive relationships.

All the while they are exposed to an average of eight hours a day of media that portrays success as possible only for thin, white, wealthy, heterosexual, well-educated, but not outspoken, alcohol drinking, drug-using, smoking, sexual people, leaving about 99% of "real" teens striving to attain impossible realities. On top of all that, they are constantly vulnerable to a level of peer pressure and scrutiny never experienced by any previous generation.

Parents worry about providing enough stability, teaching values, educational attainment, health, risk, driving, college, sexuality, and employment, all the while striving to make ends meet among rising prices of health care, housing, food, gas, automobiles, clothing, and entertainment. We struggle with our own priorities, balancing work, family and personal life without role models and proven approaches to parenting. Research tells us that the way to protect our children is to know where they are and who they are with, monitor their Internet use, share meals as a family, provide teens with music, community service and sports-related activities after school, along with plenty of unstructured time with us, extended family and other adults.

Ms. President, even those of us blessed with resources, good jobs, insurance, great community schools and libraries, homes, cars, and a support system are struggling to raise our teens. We need affordable housing, health care, education, transportation, and a sense of connection to other parents. We need to believe that the sacrifices we make for our children will help them grow and mature into successful adults who can be financially secure and happy.

Can you help teens or parents feel secure about the health and future of our families? We are here for you, and understand the stress of your job, but would really appreciate anything you can do to help us. Good luck!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Teen Health

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Obesity Rising Among Asian Children

Obesity (having a BMI above the 95th percentile) is associated with other health problems including heart disease, strokes and Type 2 Diabetes, making obesity a serious concern for most parents. Until recently, Asian children were the least likely to be obese, but a recent announcement from the Asian American Network for Cancer Awareness, Research and Training (AANCART) suggests Asian Americans have the fastest growing rate of overweight and obese children.

So much so in fact, that the First 5 California program has launched an awareness campaign directed at the Asian American community, which may be less physically active, more home-oriented, and more screen-oriented than other groups. Schools may not be focused on P.E., and kids may be enrolled in after school enrichment programs that are not active, making for long periods of time when kids and teens are sedentary instead of being physically active.

Another concern is that Asian American teens seem to consume more fast food than their white counterparts according to the California Health Interview Survey (CHIS, 2005), which reported that 43% of Asian teens eat fast food daily. Obesity is an issue for everyone, and making healthy activity and eating choices young may prevent illness later in life. It is never too young to start teaching kids about nutrition and making physical activity a part of your family life.

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Labels: Healthline, Obesity, Parenting

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Your Kids and Investing

There is something about the New Year that encourages people to take stock of their financial standing and think about their futures - maybe it is having to do the taxes! There was an interesting article this month in the Costco Connection by Jim Cramer, the host of "Mad Money" on CNBC and "Real Money," a radio program. In it he suggested that "investing in stocks will make your children much larger profits than if they had kept their money in the bank," which surprised me, but I am a little risk-avoidant.

The other thing that surprised me was that the article suggested teaching children how to invest was more important than teaching them to stay out of debt or budget. Mr. Cramer suggests that starting a bank account is good, and that kids will love the concept of interest, or free money, but that the message will be stronger if the profits are large enough to really impress them. Investing in stocks will also let kids learn about losing money, which sounds a little painful to me, but is a lesson we all learn sooner or later.

I do agree that starting young provides a valuable lesson in investing and that kids, now than ever before, need to be financially savvy. Mr. Cramer suggests the key to getting stocks to come alive for children is to get them involved with something they know and can get excited about. Have them identify a brand or company they are familiar with and buy even one share of that stock, and help your children chart the earnings or loses of that stock, over time. He also suggests family members give stock instead of savings bonds to kids for holidays.

If you are interested in learning more about teaching kids about money, there are many commercial web sites out there, and one I found from PBS that includes a lot of great advice. Good luck!

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Labels: Financial Education, Healthline, Parenting, Preteens, Teen Development

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Post Holiday Blues?

Feeling a little slow, sad, or irritable during this last few days of the holiday season? Are you paying more attention to the advertisements for anti-depression medication? Do you have a list of things to do that is longer than the the available number of hours before you go back to work? Do not panic! My suggestion is that you relax and give yourself some permission to slow down and think about what is important, what has to be done, and what can wait until next weekend.

You may just be exhausted. For the last month students have been finishing a semester at school, or at least approaching it, employees have been working ahead to take time off, families have added gifting, parties, decorating, and traveling into already full lives, and well, most extended family get togethers bring with them a little emotional baggage. Chances are really good that your physical and emotional reserves are very low and you really need some serious rest.

It is not too late to schedule some well-deserved down time. Look at the rest of the holiday and figure out when and where you can take some time to just sit still, have a massage, take a walk, play a game, bake with the kids, whatever you do to have fun and relax. Try to minimize the "have tos" and focus on the "want tos," which is not a very productive way to live life, but may give you some energy in the long run.

My suggestion is that we all start 2008 conscious of what we need, where our energy is going, and what is important to us and our families! Another year is passing and it is important to take time to recognize our accomplishments and goals!

Happy New Year everyone! May 2008 be healthy, happy and fun!

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Labels: Holidays, Parenting, Teen Health

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Looking Back on 2007: Teen Health

Wow! I am amazed that this year is coming to an end already - time just seems to go by faster the older you get! I want to thank the readers of Teen Heath 411 and Healthline for supporting this endeavor - I love writing this blog and having a great excuse to read everything I can find about teen health, including some great books.

I looked back at the posts in 2007 and realized that teen health is a huge topic. There is a lot of variety in the 2007 posts which include topics as diverse as book reviews, spirituality, driving how-tos, and information for parents and teens about the transition to adulthood and the world of college and work. The bulk of the posts are about physical health - dental health, health risks, piercing, flu shots, blood pressure, staph infection, heart attacks, sports injuries, and recognizing stroke. There are also many posts about mental health - stress, body image, surviving parents, bullying, cutting, friendship, and growing up gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

The posts about policy changes and media articles relating to teens tend to focus on the scary parts of adolescence - the risk, Internet safety, sexually transmitted infections, romance, dating violence, substance abuse and eating disorders, whereas the posts coming from what I experience tend to focus on the wonder of teens and how to make the most of and appreciate the short time we still have with them. I think the most valuable posts are those that help parents address issues that are tough to talk about but allow us to share our values and give teens the skills and confidence to assume the responsibility the world is giving them and enjoy the transition.

I think important topics in 2008 may include mentoring, involving teens in community service, and "connection" with family and community. Watching our amazing children grow is a blessing and although we will never get a certificate that says we did a great job as a parent, reminding ourselves that teens each have their own path and are more than their "risk profile" will help us appreciate them!

Enjoy whatever celebrations your family shares this week and don't forget to come back and visit Teen Health 411 is 2008!

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Labels: Healthline, Holidays, Parenting, Teen Development, Teen Health

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Bring Back Home Economics!

How funny is that? Teens lucky enough to live in affluent areas where they are receiving amazing educations are worried about the fact that they do not know how to cook, clean a house, shop for groceries on a budget, plan meals, sew, or do minor home repairs. There is a whole generation coming up that has not ever baby-sitted, either, which is less funny. I think this is an odd situation because I am one of the generation that refused to take home economics unless I could also take wood, metal, or auto shop, and here I am echoing a call from well-educated young teens to reinstate home economics in school.

In middle school in the late 1960s/early 1970s young girls like myself were defending our right to choose professions by refusing to take the "girl" classes that included typing and home economics that would prepare us to be moms, nurses, and secretaries. We were also refusing to wear the required skirts to school as well as protesting the Vietnam War, but those things are less relevant here. I would like to confess here and now that I have kicked myself several times over the years for refusing to learn how to type, but oh well - it was worth it!

Seriously, what are we going to do for the next generation of doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers and accountants? Where in their lives are they going to learn how to run a home, mend and fix things, bake, cook, and plan meals? If kids are busy with school, extracurriculars, sports, community service, or music, their parents (or a staff) are likely taking care of the nuts-and-bolts of their lives, meaning these teens are not in the kitchen, helping clean or repair the home, or watching younger siblings, where they would learn by participating.

If they are not learning at home, and they are not learning in school, not only are they not developing those skills, but more importantly, they are not learning the importance of these daily rhythms, patterns, and nurturing activities. These are not just skills, they are, in a sense, the things that bring joy to people and may be what has traditionally helped women live longer than men. The simple things in life - home and food - bring comfort to people and sustain us emotionally, but someone has to know how to provide those things in a family. Before someone revokes my feminist card, let me say that it does not have to be the mom, but someone has to do it.

My own daughters are lucky in that my bend toward hippie-dom, Girl Scouts, and my love for Waldorf education have given them all of the "old" skills. They can both embroider, sew, cook, knit, crochet, make soap, and do several things I cannot including fix a toilet. They cannot however, clean a bathroom, but I intend to fix that this summer.

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Labels: Parenting, School

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Teen Birth Rate Rises for the First Time in 14 Years

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the teen birth rate in the United States rose in 2006 for the first time since 1991, and unmarried childbearing also rose significantly. Thee statistics are featured in a new report called "Births: Preliminary Data for 2006" by the CDC's National Center for Health Statistics.

Apparently between 2005 and 2006 the birth rate for teenagers age 15 to 19 years rose 3 percent after decreasing for the last 14 years. The largest increase was in non-Hispanic black teens, whose overall rate rose 5 percent in 2006. Similar increases are reported for American Indian and Alaska Native teens (4 percent), non-Hispanic white teens (3 percent), and Hispanic teens (2 percent).

The report also notes a record high number of cesarean births (31 percent), more preterm births, and a higher rate of low birthweight babies (less than 5 lbs. 8 oz.)were born. The only good news I could find in the report was that the birth rate for teens aged 10-14 declined 5 percent.

Reports like this should suggest to policy makers and parents that sexuality education and parenting about pregnancy is not doing what every parent wants, which is to help their children to be safe and healthy.

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Labels: Parenting, Pregnancy

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UCAN Teen Report Card - Teens Grade Parents

UCAN (Ulrich Children's Advantage Network) solicits opinions from teenagers to create dialogue between adults and teens about solving the problems teens face in our society. The UCAN Report Card gives a voice to U.S. teens and hopes that teachers, parents and legislators will listen.

Each year, a representative sample of 1,000 teenagers between the ages of 12 and 19 grade adults on their performance on a number of issues. The stratified sample is based on sex, age and ethnic distribution of teens in the U.S. The survey is sent via the mail each year in january or February and covers 20 topics including how well they feel adults are teaching values, spending time with their families, protecting kids from violence, preventing child abuse, being honest, running the government, understanding the realities of teen sex, leading by example, and helping young people cope with anxiety and depression.

Here is the report card from 2007 with some quotes from the participants.

• Providing young people a safe place to live B
• Providing a quality education for young people B
• Creating job opportunities for the future B
• Teaching positive values B-
• Spending quality time with their families B-
• Keeping schools sage from violence and crime B-
• Protecting teens and kids from gun violence B-
• Fighting AIDS C+
• Building healthy relationships with young people C+
• Being honest C+
• Preventing child abuse C+
• How well they discipline C+
• Preventing verbal and emotional abuse C
• Combating prejudice and racism C
• Stopping teens from running away C
• Understanding the realities of teen sex C
• Stopping young people from using drugs C
• Stopping young people from smoking C
• Really listening to and understanding young people C
• Leading by example C

" Leading by example starts at home, and the values and practices carried out by parents serve as the inspiration and motivation for us to stand up and make a difference."

• Helping young people cope with anxiety and depression C

• Running the government C-

" Contrary to adult opinion and perceptions, many of my peers pay close attention to the actions of the government and how their decisions will affect our future."

• Protecting the environment C-

" Consider that the future you (parents) are planning is ours and that we are the ones who will have to clean up any mistakes you make now."

• Understanding why teens leave home C-
• Stopping young people from drinking C-

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Labels: Parenting

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Safety and Empowerment - How to Balance Risks for Teens

Lately, the world seems to be a little crazier to me, and although I refuse to watch the news on TV, there have been several "events" involving young girls being abducted, raped, or threatened that have managed to creep into my reality, shaking me up and creating a parenting dilemma that I imagine some of you are struggling with as well. Be warned - I do not have the answers, just the struggle - right now!

I am big on safety - from the time the kids were little we talked with them about not keeping secrets, trusting the feelings in their tummies, not letting anyone touch them in their private areas, strangers and being aware of their environment, what to do if they were threatened or approached by strangers, etc... The messages were never fear-based - just factual. I have never wanted to make them fear people, feel like targets or potential victims, or be afraid to move through the world.

On the contrary, I have wanted them to feel empowered to speak their voice, carry themselves with strength and move through the world with confidence. That seems really hard to do when the world is crazy and schools are installing cameras, telling kids not to go anyone without a buddy and making parents wear name tags. Do I become fearful and not let my kids walk the dog in our very safe neighborhood? Am I a bad parent if they are allowed to walk to the store or ride their bike to school? Where is the line between fearful and reasonable?

My kids are struggling with the same feelings. They say they are not afraid, have never felt afraid in our neighborhood, but are a little more aware of who is around them, and more conscious of "what they would do" if a stranger approached them. They know which places in our community they would go to, which houses have people we know living in them, and sadly, that there are people in the world that could hurt them - randomly.

I would love to hear from readers who have solved this dilemma for themselves, and thanks in advance for your ideas and perspectives.

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Labels: Parenting

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Preteen Summit - Food for Thought

I had the pleasure of attending a luncheon the other day sponsored by the Preteen Alliance and the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital called "What does growing up have to do with my future? Important questions on the minds of preteen and strategies for answering them." The speakers were Robert Lehman, MD and Julie Metzger, RN, MN, both specialists in adolescent health care and parent-child communication.

It was a nice reminder for the parents, teachers, health professionals, and juvenile justice workers in the room that being a preteen is as tough on them as trying to know what is best for them is on us. We are all involved in the process of moving from control to independence, and the more involved we are with them at this phase of their life, the better of they will be. It was nice to hear mostly moms sigh in relief when they realized they were not the only ones struggling with issues around homework, cells phones, curfews, and the struggle to remain engaged with a tween who seems to want you to disappear off the planet. I was very impressed that both speakers did reinforce the research that says "stay involved" - do not let go too early, as some of the pop psychologists suggest is better for kids.

Preteens need all of the health and information support they can get, and the speakers encouraged parents to welcome all of the adults in their tween's life - doctors, teachers, clergy, extended family - starting at about 11 to become providers of information and support. This means talking to kids about everything you are comfortable with, and maybe some you aren't, as well as helping them identify adults they might ask questions of, if they cannot talk to you. Parents also need to reinforce that tweens are going to find themselves needing support and information that will help them make good decisions about their health and heart, and that the adults in their lives are here to help!

Some strategies to help busy parents stay in touch included: 1) make sure you are looking at your kids every day - eye-to-eye contact is not as frequent as you might imagine; and 2) Spend one minute a day talking about an important subject that might not come up on it's own - add another minute every day, and the conversation will build. Finally, the speakers reminded us that we are always teaching by example - how we handle stress, work and communication are the skills we are passing on to our children.

Listening to the parents who asked questions did make me reminisce about the old days of the choices in my parenting - car seats, naps, breast feeding, family bed, safety limits - decisions that seem so easy now when facing teens who are driving, getting jobs, and falling in love. Every phase has joys and struggles - thank goodness I am along for the ride!

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Labels: Parenting

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New Web Resource for Parents of Tweens & Teens

The Palo Alto Medical Foundation (PAMF) just went live with their revised health sites for the parents of teens and preteens. Supported in part by a grant from the Lucile Packard Foundation for Children's Health (LPFCH), the health care team that bring you We're Talking Teen Health and We're Talking, Too: Preteen Health have done it again. The revised site is easy to read and includes links to the information in the teen and preteen site for parents to give their children, or read themselves to know what their children already know.

On each page parents will not only find links to the "We're Talking Health" content, but also book reviews, and links to other relevant resources outside PAMF. To make the site more interactive, there also are polls about parenting issues, a good search function, and links to a portion of the site where you can rate the books that have been recommended. It is a one-stop information shop for parents looking for resources and information about their teens and tweens. You can access the new parent site, as well as the complementary site for parents of younger children, at http://www.pamf.org/parents/. Happy searching!

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Labels: Media, Parenting, Web Resource

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Does my Tween or Teen Need a Flu Shot?

Yes! Last year 200,000 people were hospitalized with the flu and 36,000 died of complications from the virus!

Flu vaccine supplies are plentiful this year and health care experts are encouraging everyone to get a flu shot within the next few weeks. People who really should get a flu vaccine include those considered high risk - infants, small children (under 5), seniors (over 50), people with chronic diseases, women who may become pregnant during the flu season, as well as those household members who live with someone with a chronic disease - because they are more vulnerable to complications than people without chronic diseases.

Getting a flu shot may save you lost days of school or work and school-aged children, tweens and teens are more likely to spread the flu among themselves and bring it home to younger siblings. The flu vaccine may also decrease the incidence of ear infections and other upper respiratory complications. The trick is that you need to get one every year, and if your child is under 9 year of age, and has never received a flu shot before, s/he may need two doses, at least 30 days a part.

To clear up any misconceptions you might have: the flu vaccine cannot really give you the flu - it is an inactivated vaccine with killed virus that triggers your body to produce antibodies against certain strains of the flu. A few people may have some soreness or redness around the site, but these side effects are mild and rarely last more than two days. So, do not delay!

Most large medical providers have flu shot clinics already set up, you can get one from your PCP, and even drugstores are providing them for a low cost.

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In Case of Emergency (ICE)

Here is an important topic I had not given much thought, but I believe parents should put on their "to-do" list. First, the police suggest that you program an "In Case of Emergency" (ICE) number into all the phones in your household. This is a number that safety people will look for if someone is found unconscious or need emergency medical treatment, and should be a person to call who can identify the owner of the phone and give permission to treat in an emergency.

The second thing I want to encourage parents to do, is to work with your child to program some adult numbers into their phone. Recently I used my daughter's phone and realized that all the numbers in her phone were her friends, which makes perfect sense, but what if she needed a grown-up to help her deal with an emergency situation, and I was not available? We picked several parents of friends that she would be comfortable asking for help, and then I sent them an email letting them know I had put their phone number into my daughters' phones. I feel better knowing they can reach someone at all times.

While we are on the subject, do you have an emergency plan for your family? The earthquake the other night made me check in with my kids about what they would do if we were separated during a natural disaster, most likely an earthquake in California. We had not really talked about it since they were in elementary school and had to make an emergency plan as an assignment.

Have a plan - there are some hints about where to start and what to include at "We're Talking, Too: Preteen Health." Good luck and have fun!
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Labels: Parenting

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Parenting Teens Online Resource

I found another great resource for parents online and wanted to share it with you. Parenting Teens Online includes articles on relevant topics including family, health, money, school, community, and alcohol and drugs, as well as information on technology, book reviews, and a section where you can ask an expert a question. One particularly interesting article was about reconciling our own past (errors in judgment and all) with what we tell your kids about your own teenage years. It was very interesting to read different approaches to the question.

This site also includes a section where parents can find dozens of helpful Web sites, organizations, books, movies, and video clips they have referenced in the articles. I found books about divorce, vacationing with teens, dads, stepparents, and even family dinner! Check it out and I hope you enjoy it!

Happy Halloween!

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Labels: Parenting, Web Resource

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Talking to Your Kids About Homosexuality

Ready or not! Sometimes the media creates a teachable moment for parents, whether we are ready or not. Last week's announcement that Albus Dumbledore, the Head of Hogwarts and protector of Harry Potter was gay, created exactly that - a moment to talk to your kids about homosexuality, discrimination and how homosexuality is portrayed in the media. The conversation mustbe structured to include your cultural or religious beliefs, but below are some basics you can use to start things off.

In my household, with teenagers brought up in the bay area, it was not that much of a newsflash, but we did discuss how we might have known, as well as a couple of story lines that we thought were not consistent with that fact, including the interactions of Dumbledore with the female owner of the Three Broomsticks, but maybe she is just a flirt. We also discussed whether or not we thought the last movies would sensationalize the idea more than necessary, but we will have to wait and see!

This might have been a tougher conversation for families with kids under 11, so I thought I would suggest a few conversation starters. For kids under 11:

• It is always a good idea to start by asking if they know what a word means, in this case, you could ask about heterosexual, homosexual, gay, lesbian, or queer. If you are feeling brave, take on bisexual, too, which is sometimes a little more difficult because we know little about the subject.
• Depending on where you live, your kids may already have friends with same-sex parents, which will make the conversation much easier because you can point out how families are families, and parents love children, no matter what sex the parents are.
• The next step is to clear up any stereotypes that might materialize when they explain the meaning of a word, and clarify that sometimes people fall in love with a person that is the same gender, so men love men and women love women.
• Depending on the maturity of the child, and the familiarity with the Harry Potter movies and books, you can talk about the story line and the fact that this fact about Dumbledore does not really change how people feel about him, or his role in Harry's life.
• You can also talk about why his sexuality may have not been reveled until the books were already written, social bias, and how people may have reacted if they were biased or prejudiced about homosexuality if the news had come earlier.
• Finally, for you cynics, you can have the conversation about "buzz" and why the media and author might be stirring up publicity for the last couple of movies.

In addition to helping kids understand what homosexuality is, this is a perfect opportunity to make sure that no matter what your views are about homosexuality, that your child knows that if s/he were gay or lesbian, that you would love him or her just as much as if they were heterosexual. This may really important if your cultural or religious beliefs suggest homosexuality is not an option because your child might think you would not love him or her if s/he was gay or lesbian.

Like all difficult conversations, it is important to be honest and let your kids know where you stand, what you expect from them, and to provide resources outside the family if you cannot talk with them about a particular subject.

Photo credit: Our Photo Stuff

Labels: GLBT, Parenting

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A History of Manga

For all of you parents who are asking "what is Manga," this post is for you. Manga is Japanese comics, and anime is Japanese animation. The West has always liked Japanese pop culture, from the Godzilla movies of the 1950's, through Speed Racer in the 60's, PacMan in the 70's, Transformers in the 80's, and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers of the 90's. Now, in 2007, Manga is the hottest trend in American publishing, and at $10 a book, and the $330 million a year market, the publishers are making quite a killing.

Manga was a little slow to gain a market in this country because it is read reversed, the Japanese way, starting from what we expect to be the back, tends to be in black-and-white, and are epic story lines, some of which go on for decades. One reason Manga did catch on though is that it contains more sex and violence than American comics and more bizarre, magic-related story lines than traditional US comics. There are two types of Manga, Japanese Manga translated into English, and American Manga, which I am told by several knowledgeable teens, sucks!

There are many different types of Manga, for example, Shojo (girls) Manga, the most recognized being Sailor Moon, focuses on romance and relationships and Shonen (boys) Manga involves nonstop action. Then there is Shonen-ai is about guy-guy relationships with no sex, Yaoi is guy-guy relationships with sex, and Yuri is female-female relationships with sex. There are also mysteries, horror, drama, romance, comedy, and even historical series.

Parents will be happy to know that the books and Internet sites where kids download free Manga come with ratings (on the back of the book) - T for teen, Teen 13 and up, Older teens, all ages, and M for mature. Unfortunately, the ratings are not consistent and depend on the publisher for the cut offs and what it is rated for - violence or sex.

Photo credit: ginieland

Labels: Book Review, Parenting

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Stranger Danger

I know it is hard to talk about "strangers" with your kids without instilling fear in them, but all kids need to be aware of people around them and know what to do if a stranger approaches them in a public place, like on the Internet.

There have been several news reports lately about attempted abductions of young girls, and in at least in one case the girl was wary, resisted the approach, ran, and was safe. Young people need to know that they should be aware of strangers, report them to adults if they see someone at school they do not recognize, and that if a stranger tries to talk with them, or touch them, they need to run to the nearest business, building, or even home (although at a home, they should know not to enter it) - asking the first adult they see to call 911!

Kids approached by strangers need to be "loud, large and in charge," to keep themselves safe! It is sad that our world requires they know these skills, but they do! Talk to your kids! The McGruff web site has a nice game about Stranger Danger to help with younger kids.

Photo Credit: Lisamorgan

Labels: Parenting, safety

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Birth Control in Middle School?

The Portland (Maine) school board and Division of Public Health are allowing King Middle School students to get sexually transmitted infection testing and treatment, as well as birth control without notifying parents. The goal, of this controversial act, is to provide students who are participating in risky behavior access to needed health services.

Research has shown repeatedly that having the services will not encourage the students who do not participate in risky behavior to go out and look for trouble - the services will only help those who need them. It is not right, and it is sad, but there are middle school students participating in sexual behavior. Which would we as a society prefer - a 14-year old pregnant girl, or one on birth control?

It amazes me that the same society that sexualizes young girls, sells every product known to humankind with sexuality, and encourages young girls to fixate on their appearance and sex appeal, finds providing the healthcare required by the consequences of those activities inappropriate and a violation of parental rights.

I'll tell you what is a violation of my rights as a parent - that I cannot protect my children from exposure to sexuality, drugs, alcohol, and smoking without limiting their freedom. All I can do as a parent is talk to them, and mitigate the perception that "everyone" is doing it, and that participation in those risky activities is the way to become popular, successful, and strong.

Photo Credit: blmurch

Labels: Parenting, School, STD

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Tea Time with Teens

There is more and more press about the possible health benefits of tea - helping brain function, improving focus, increasing the alpha rhythms that help us feel relaxed, energizing us (with caffeine), and even providing antioxidants that may help in the treatment of Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.

All of these sound great, but I also want to point out a simpler reason to add "tea time" into your life with teens. The reason is, it slows us down and gives us an unstructured time to talk to our kids. I do not know about you, but sometimes it is easy to get into a pattern of spending time with my teens while doing other things - cooking dinner, doing dishes, folding laundry, driving, waiting in line or for a medical person, or watching TV. This may be valuable, but I am distracted and maybe not quite as in touch with their words or body language as I might be.

On the other hand, if when I get home from work, or right before bedtime, I make a pot of tea, I can usually get them to come to the table and "just talk." It helps us all shift from the busy day to home time, or helps us relax and unwind. It is during tea that I frequently hear bigger stories about friends, school, and hobbies - stuff I might not get in the "how was school today" conversations held while doing something else.

It does not have to be fancy, but that is fun, too, and whatever you do, do not start in with 20 questions, but just allow some together time without an agenda, and you may be pleasantly surprised with what you hear!

Photo Credit: Spiralz

Labels: Parenting

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Total Momsense by Anita Renfroe

Sometime Monday mornings just need a good laugh - so grab your tea or coffee and enjoy this new video and song from Anita Renfroe.

Here are the lyrics:
Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepy head
Here's your clothes
And your shoes
Hear the words
I said
Get up now
Get up and make your bed
Are you hot?
Are you cold?
Are you wearing that?
Where's your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and your gloves and your scarf and hat
Don't forget you got to feed the cat
Eat your breakfast
The experts tell us it's the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at three today
Don't forget your piano lesson is this afternoon
So you must play
Don't shovel
Chew slowly
But hurry
The bus is here
Be careful
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears?
Play outside
Don't play rough
Would you just play fair?
Be polite
Make a friend
Don't forget to share
Work it out
Wait your turn
Never take a dare
Get along
Don't make me come down there
Clean your room
Fold your clothes
Put your stuff away
Make your bed
Do it now
Do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn?
Would you like some hay
Can you even hear a word I say?
Answer the phone
Get Off the phone
Don't sit so close
Turn it down
No texting at the table
No more computer time tonight
Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up
Where you going and with whom and what time do you think you're coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me
Makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You'll appreciate my wisdom
Someday when you're older and you're grown
Can't wait 'til you have a couple little children of your own
You'll thank me for the counsel
I gave you so willingly
But right now
I thank you NOT to roll your eyes at me
Close your mouth when you chew
Would appreciate
Take a bite
Maybe two
Of the stuff you hate
Use your fork
Do not you burp
Or I'll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an “A,”
Get the door
Don't get smart with me
Get a Grip
Get in here
I'll count to 3
Get a job
Get a life
Get a PhD
Get a dose of …
I don't care who started it
You're grounded until your 36
Get your story straight
And tell the truth for once for heaven's sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff
Would you jump too?
If I've said it once, I've said at least a thousand times before that
You're too old to act this way
It must be your father's DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straight when you walk
A place for everything
And everything must be in place
Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about
Oh!
Brush your teeth
Wash your face
Get your PJs on
Get in bed
Get a hug
Say a prayer with Mom
Don't forget
I love you
**KISS**
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom's work never ends
You don't need the reason why
Because
Because
Because
Because
I said so
I said so
I said so
I said so
I'm the Mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
Ta-da

Words by Anita Renfroe
Copyright 2007 Bluebonnet Hills Music/BMI

Photo Credit: Kanko*

Labels: Parenting

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Onslaught Video by Dove

Sometimes the beauty industry does good! I know Dove is selling its products with the "Campaign for Real Beauty," but I really like the new video called "Onslaught" that encourages parents to talk to their kids before the media does. They are also providing a great real beauty web site for parents and mentors with some great activities to help build media literacy and protect self-esteem.

The average US girl has the opportunity to see an estimated 77,546 commercials by the time she is 12 years old. This growing phenomenon is having a direct impact on girls' self-image and most girls and young women report feeling anxiety or stress about their looks. As parents, we need to talk to kids about exercise, fitness, and development - so they have a realistic idea of how their genetics, size, and activity levels interact to maintain their unique body size. In addition, they are still growing and dieting is not OK. They need a healthy and varied diet. Parents and kids need to know that a child going through puberty will get stretch marks, can gain 40 lbs and grow up to 10 inches - which requires a lot of fuel. If kids do not get enough food they can get brittle bones.

Raising children who believe that enjoying life requires they be thin or with enough hunger and working out they can all look like a super model is just WRONG!!! Every person is beautiful and as parents, we need to help our children find their strength.

Photo credit: Xerones

Labels: Beauty, Body Image, Media, Parenting

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Book Review: When Your Kid Goes to College: A Parents Survival Guide

As promised, here is the first book I can recommend for parents struggling with an empty nest. When Your Kid Goes to College: A Parents Survival Guide (1998), by Carol Barkin is a "support group with a binding" for parents preparing to let their kids go off to college. It is supportive, reassuring, and practical. Every family is different of course, so there is no "how to" manual, but this book is a great start - providing both the parent and student perspectives on celebrations and rituals, packing, emotional ups and down, relationships, and even many great suggestions for how to share the process in divorced families.

For those of you readers whose children have gone off to college, sit back and gloat that you survived, for those of you approaching the college years, this is a wake-up call - start preparing your children to be independent now - do not delay!

Ms. Barkin describes the months before the student leaves for college as intense. For the student, there is major emotional upheaval. Underneath the excitement of graduating from high school, and starting college are fears about whether or not they selected the right school, will make friends, and know what they need to survive in college. The more reflective students may also be a little sad that their childhood is drawing to an end and the security of home can no longer be taken for granted.

Parents, too have spent months worrying about issues as diverse as whether their child is as good as others and if the school they are attending will nurture their brilliance, and whether the co-ed showers will be an issue. Really obsessive parents buy a years worth of shampoo, remind their kids to eat five fruits and vegetables a day, and start home economics classes to teach "the basics" of getting up without a wake-up from a parent, cleaning, maintaining the car, banking, accessing medical care, and doing laundry. Every parent has worked so hard to get their kid to college, and is proud, but with every other breath, the same parent may just want to keep them in a strangle hold.

Every family says goodbye differently, whether it is at an airport, a new campus, or even on the phone, and then there is the emptier nest. Whether you have other children, or not, there is an empty spot in the car, at the table, in family debates, or even jokes - you will miss your child. This is normal. You can write cards and letters, leave voice messages, send emails, but try and let your child dictate how much contact there is - s/he is also trying to get used to the new life. Telling him or her that you miss them terribly is a burden they do not need - they cannot fix it - that is your job.

According to this book, most parents say "start filling the holes." Start a new project, make travel plans for seeing your child, take a weekend getaway, talk to other parents whose children also have just left, spend extra time with the children at home, join a new organization, start a home project, make new friends, but whatever you do, find something positive to think about, not just the child you are missing.

If you are used to knowing where your child was during the day, what the classrooms or work place looked like, it can be very disconcerting for you not to know what your child is doing, when, or where. Try not to focus on what you do not know, and plan a trip to visit your child so you can see what his or her dorm room is like, where the classes are, where they eat, etc... so there is less anxiety on your part.

One very important warning in this book is about the first time you visit your child at school. Be prepared for some awkwardness and for him or her not to need to spend every minute with you - they are not used to spending 24 hours a day with you and may have a life! Please do not be critical of their space, lifestyle, friends, or choice - be supportive of the life they are building. Be prepared to be shown around, and then left alone at times - this is a good thing - it means they are adjusting! Try not to be hurt or annoyed - it is what it is!

Obviously there is more in this book than I can share in this review, so I encourage you to read it for tips about preparing for the transition, what to do if things do not go well, and living through the first year. As with any transition in life - you are not alone - reach out, talk about how it feels to have your kid leaving for or at college, and forgive yourself for wishing s/he was still at home instead of grown up - this is all good!

Photo Credit: cursedthing

Labels: College, Parenting, School

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Are Teens Emotionally Ready for College

A recent article in Edutopia by Jill Flury suggested that many teens are not emotionally ready for college, and it is our fault! In spite of the fact that kids are put into the college fast track in elementary school, institutions are providing support to meet college admissions requirements, there are tutors to help teens get into the college of their choice (for those who can afford it), and parents are pushing kids to "do it all," there are plenty of kids who do not make it through the first year at universities nation-wide.

Ms. Flury suggests that the dropout rate is not about a lack of academic skills, instead it is because students are not being prepared for the transition to college - and the self-care that transition requires. College frosh are experiencing low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, stress, and health issues at record levels. Knowing how to write an essay, having a high GPA, playing an instrument, being an athlete, national scholar, or valedictorian, are not going to prepare a student for pressures of living independently. Very few school are giving teens the "wellness" skills they will need to manage stress, deadlines, and competing goals (like fun and schoolwork). There are exceptions, like the fitness and wellness program at Castilleja School, in Palo Alto, but these programs are not the norm.

This article suggests that we need to worry about teaching kids how to do laundry, cook, clean, maintain their car, manage money, handle the daily stress of competing goals, and find ways to take care of themselves emotionally, spiritually, and physically while juggling everything else in their lives - like school, relationships, and work. Teens seem to need a wellness course, in addition to living skills, and parents need to make sure this training is happening at schools or in their own homes. Maybe we are beginning to see that the overscheduled, AP track is not really working for our teens and as parents, we are going to have to help them pull back the reins and slow down!!

Photo credit: Web_guy94301

Labels: College, Parenting, School

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Teens Leaving for College

There are entire books written for teens going away to college - how to prepare, how to make the best of your freshman year, getting the most from your undergraduate education, etc... but what many parents forget to read are the books about what it is like to watch your teen prepare to leave home - maybe for good! I will be reviewing a couple of those books for parents in the next few weeks, but for now, I just want to put my arms around all of the parents out there who have just been left at home while their teens went off to college! Here is a great big hug!

I know this is tough - I have been watching for months, as the packing, planning, and saying good-bye has been happening, but now, there is a finality to the whole process - the teen is safely settled into a dorm somewhere far away, excited about buying books, doing laundry, eating in the cafeteria, meeting great people, starting classes, and adjusting to the weather. Great for him or her - but what about the parent - who is waiting for the phone to ring and dealing with the emptiness in the house, at the dinner table, in the car, and in his or her day?

Some parents seem calm - almost peaceful - and others are stressed, tearful, and anxious - and I am unsure what makes the difference. We all knew this was coming - there were college applications, the SAT and AP exams, graduation - there is only one place those activities take our children - away from us! Whether your child moved out of the house for good or left their room intact and moved into a dorm - they are adults now - on their own, responsible for themselves, and thanks to you, prepared!

I keep flashing back to when my first child started kindergarten. I remember reassuring her that even if I was not with her during the day, I was still in her heart and then crying my eyes out as the door to the room shut behind me. I remember telling myself I had done everything I could to give her the self-confidence and skills she needed, and it was time to let her go walk through the world without me. All that drama for four hours every morning five days a week seems so silly now - and really petty compared to letting a kid go off to the other side of the country and live in a co-ed dorm. Whether or not it is a fair comparison - the issues are the same - and we use the same words to describe the process - launching, empty nest, letting go, and independence.

This is an important transition - your young adults need to learn how to manage their lives without us nagging at them, saving them or helping them organize and accomplish things - it is their time and we have done everything we can to help them be successful - now let them go and start filling the holes. Take care of yourself, spend more time with other children, friends or spouses, start a new hobby, work more, but let your teen be independent. No calling five times a day, or trying to keep them attached! Breathe deep, pat yourself on the back for raising a successful human being, and move on - it will be a gift for both of you!

Photo Credit: Asheboro Public Library

Labels: College, Parenting, School

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Traveling with Teens: Part 3

Howling Acres Wolf Sanctuary in Oregon

Spending a week with up to six teenagers for the last three summers while they work at the wolf sanctuary is always a highlight for me. I borrow a car (we call it the living room on wheels), get emergency consents and medical histories on the kids (that is from my old girl scout leader training), collect $230 from each kid, pack the camping gear and kitchen basics, and away we go. During the drive the teens plan the menu and make the grocery list, and right before we arrive, we buy groceries and put the ice in the coolers. It takes about 12 hours to drive each way, and during the seven days there we all work hard, play a lot, and mostly enjoy each other's company. The sanctuary is in a rural part of Oregon, very quiet, and in some way, very spiritual. The wolves remember the kids each year and greet them like old friends, wagging their tales, playing, kissing, and in some cases, knocking them over to get a better view.

My role is driver, cook, nurse, problem solver, and responsible adult. I tell them what to pack, remind them that they will have to wash their own dishes, help cook, and monitor their own stuff. I try to stay out of their way and let them be as responsible for things as possible, including resolving the squabbles between the two most inflexible of the teens. The same group of kids come each year and they look forward to the trip all year.

I always wonder why after overhearing their calls home. I hear things like "today we scooped poop, cleaned pens, recycled stinky trash, cut up raw meat, and hauled about a ton of food up the hill." "The port-a-potty is gross, and we are dirty and tired." But then, I hear them telling friends about some of the rituals - stopping at the Jelly Belly Factory, writing down funny quotes, listening to and singing Phantom of the Opera, spending the first and last night at Alpenrose, my mom's guest house in Mt Shasta, visiting a little bakery in the middle of nowhere, barbecuing buffalo burgers, and sucking Hershey bars that have melted. That is the stuff childhood summer memories are made of I guess and each year they beg parents and I to find the one week a year that fits with summer school, family vacations, and visits from relatives.

The memories from this summer may be a little sad, as while we were here the kids buried two of the wolves they have known for three years. The first one died and an autopsy showed she had eaten a toy that a well-meaning donor had sent the sanctuary, and it got into her intestines, and then made a hole in them, so she died of internal bleeding. The second one had a broken leg that abscessed in the cast and they put him to sleep to avoid amputating his leg and then discovering they could not save him. The kids buried their friends with love and will probably never forget the vet telling them that "God must have wanted more wolves near him, and these were the best!"

This summer I asked the teens what advice they would give adults traveling with teens, and here is what they said:

Lucy (14): Be patient. Do not attempt to argue with the male teens - they always think they are right. We cannot help it, it is raging hormones.
Virginia (14): Never travel with teenagers. Bring a lot of ear plugs, and be clear that there are standards of health and cleanliness. We make strange noises, and swear - be prepared to talk about everything. Remember to enforce good sleeping habits - we need ten hours a night. Teens are lazy - get us to work a lot, without nagging.
Madison (15): Have the teens rotate the chores. Remember that we are teens, we forget things, and need to be told exactly what the adult expects - sometimes.
Surya (12): Bring a first aid kit and lots of snacks, games, and sleep drops (aromatherapy).
Max (15): Do fun things, too. Like visiting places, water park, movies, Jelly Belly Factory, so it is all not just work!

I find all of that advice reasonable, and yet funny - because most of it I actually don't need - as this group of teens are very self-regulated and because we do this every summer, they need few reminders. I encourage all adults to spend 24/7 with teens that are not your own - it is a very different experience, and I have to say, it always appreciate my two daughters, even more than usual after living with other people's teens, even these wonderful youth.

Photo Credit: Sleesstak66

Labels: Community Service, Parenting

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Unhooked: Book Review by: Leigha Winters, college student

Recently, I read a thought-provoking book that Nancy Brown recommended (and reviewed) called Unhooked. Every time I would comment on this book to a friend, it would inevitably spark a fascinating and lively conversation about sex, pleasure, and “hooking up.” As a college student, I live the life that Laura Sessions Stepp investigates in her book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. I may not have experienced every situation she presents first hand, but when Stepp starts talking about the high-stress, academically achieving environment where women do not have time for commitment, I know exactly what she’s talking about. To me, Unhooked is a well-researched and insightful book that delves into the contemporary adolescent culture of “hooking up.” While Stepp does examine the actions and reactions of her characters through a somewhat conservative and discouraging lens, she succeeds in highlighting many distressing trends.

Below is a book review I wrote to discuss this book in more detail.

Laura Sessions Stepp examines a modern culture where “hooking ups defining characteristic is the ability to unhook from a partner at any time” by following the lives of three groups of young women: high school students Sienna, Anna and Mieka; Duke University students Jamie, Shaida, Victoria and Alicia; and George Washington University students Nicole and Cleo. (All names are pseudonyms to protect the women’s identities.) These stories reveal much about both the young women and Laura Sessions Stepp. The stories Stepp picks to include all reinforce her clear view that “hooking up” is detrimental to young women’s health and future. Although Stepp alludes to the idea that there are women out there who enjoy and flourish in this culture, she fails to include a single success story in her book. No young woman participates in hooking up and later maintains all her self worth and confidence. Even Shaida, the uber-feminist who originally seeks to “take the term ‘hooking up’ and make it [her] own” in a male-dominated college environment, eventually loses herself, breaks down and admits she was more or less raped one night when she took a man home. Instead of strength and independence, Shaida admits her motives were less profound: “I was anxious to be the person I had been, desired by everyone.”

Unhooked implies that today’s youth have been forced into a very unhealthy and very unique situation. This young generation is being raised with both the most coddling and the greatest expectations. Parents want it all for their kids. From a very young age, parents tell their kids they can achieve anything they put their minds to. And to do this, parents, both consciously and subconsciously, push college and careers, and advocate putting love on the back-burner. Add high-speed technology to this high-achieving environment, and you get a society of multi-taskers who have “everything at their fingertips” and expect instant gratification. With these parameters, what is left for romantic encounters but hooking up?

Stepp paints this picture very well in Unhooked. However, she fails to recognize that past generations have experienced similar environments and turned out just fine. (Think the “free love” era of the 1960s!) Furthermore, alcohol is very important in every woman’s story that Stepp relates. However, studies show that this generation’s drinking is actually way down since the 1970s and 1980s. If this is the case, where are the stories in Stepp’s book of the women who are not constantly surrounded by alcohol?

Ultimately, Unhooked is a strong examination of the modern hook-up culture as revealed by young female participants. While it may lack some breadth (there are no lesbian perspectives, no male perspectives and little insight into female experiences without alcohol), Stepp makes some poignant points. Listed below are some of the highlights.

• This hook-up culture has no structure and no rules. Therefore, even if women want to play the game, they do not know how. And if they are left feeling empty and want more, they don’t have the tools or experience to bring about a change. Women can’t transform hook-up buddies into serious boyfriends because they don’t know how to get to that next level. And in many peoples’ eyes, there is nothing in between hooked up and getting married anyway.
• Female friendships are taking the place of romantic relationships in many young women’s lives. As one friend of Nicole’s put it, “My girlfriends in college are my life.” Women are too busy with school work and maintaining their friendships to establish any type of relationship with men except temporary hook-ups. Unfortunately, young women often begin to see guys as either the enemy or fools when these temporary relationships go amiss.
• Hooking up is most often about control for young women. When this control or sense of detachment is lost, women sometimes fall into depression, or develop eating disorders, feelings of worthlessness and other harmful emotional problems.
• Young women are most often unfulfilled by sexual encounters. They try to stay detached to maintain control, but ultimately lose all enjoyment in the process. In fact, when these “female-dominated” hook-ups are revealed, they are more like rape or sexual assault than consenual sex.
• One of the saddest consequences of the hook-up culture is the development of “gray rape.” This is a concept that women are not sexually assaulted or raped because they initially come on as the “hunter.” When things go too far, women are reluctant to report rape as they will appear powerless. Furthermore, when women initially seek out men and initiate the sexual encounter, they often don’t think they can claim rape if things go too far. The situations may be written off as “unfortunate instances of poor judgment and miscommunication on the part of both partners.” This does not stop women from being negatively impacted by the experiences.
• Hooking up is the opposite of marriage. There is no “trust, respect, admiration, honesty, selflessness, communication, caring and, perhaps more than anything else, commitment.” There is also no ability or experience with “straight talk or negotiating different points of view.” It is worrisome that young adults are getting very little experience with trusting relationships, but most of them claim to want to get married and have children some day.
• “The parallel between hookup relationships and this generation’s work habits is striking.” Young adults are individualistic, unfulfilled, mobile and always looking for something better. They don’t stick to one relationship, either professional or romantic, for long when it gets hard, boring or tedious. There is not much trust and very little reliability.
• Parents, friends, fellow women and other men need to get involved. Only through frank and open discussion will these problems improve. And it’s important to remember that young women’s relationships with their parents have a great impact on their romantic behavior later in life. So parents need to lead by example and be willing to talk about the tough issues with their children.

In the end, a lot of Stepp’s conclusions seem a little pessimistic, but sadly realistic. It is never fun to hear that a lifestyle you took for granted is eroding your generation. But now whenever I go to parties, it is all I’m able to see. I can see through the façade, and it makes me want more out of my relationships. Even if I can’t seem to find the time…

Photo Credit: Ron's Log

Labels: Book Review, Parenting, Sexuality

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The Role of Fathers in HIV Education for Adolescent Boys

A recent study (conducted with 277 fathers and sons) published in the American Journal of Public Health titled "REAL Men: A Group-Randomized Trial of an HIV Prevention Intervention for Adolescent Boys," reported that boys whose fathers participated in the intervention were significantly more likely to abstain from sex, intend to delay intercourse, and use condoms if they were sexually active, than boys with fathers who did not participate. In addition, fathers who participated also discussed sexually-related issues more with their sons, and intended to continue those discussions!

Let's hear it for fathers! This sounds like a great intervention! Research has always shown that even in families with fathers, it is more likely that mom is doing the sexuality education, although many boys would rather talk to dad, so this intervention sounds like it helps fathers feel more confident and responsible for the sexuality education of their sons!

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Labels: HIV, Parenting

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MOMfulness Book Review

MOMfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace (2007) by Denise Roy is a must read for all parents who would appreciate a moment of peace, on demand. Every busy parent needs a reason to slow down, have a cup of tea, and celebrate the joy of parenthood. This book provides us with that opportunity, reminds us how important parents are, and how much more we can appreciate ourselves, our decisions, and our families. With a very Buddhist bend, parents who read this book will find themselves breathing deeper and smiling more!

Every short chapter, on presence, attention, compassion, embodiment, sacredness, and community, is a blessing that awakens, comforts, and encourages a new day and a positive attitude. I loved reading this book, every morning for a week, as a reminder to myself that each day is a fresh start and chance to make decisions that enhance my well-being, as well as that of my children.

Ms. Roy defines MOMfulness as the "spiritual practice of cultivating a mindful, compassionate, mothering practice."

Perfection is not the goal, nor is removing the required tasks of motherhood from our lives so we can nurture ourselves. MOMfulness helps parents realize how much joy or healing can take place during our normal daily tasks by just being present in each moment and not judging ourselves, the situation, or our children!

This is a great book to share with book groups, PTAs, church or prayer groups, or just to leave on the coffee table. Everyone needs a moment of joy, kindness, and peace in their day!

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Labels: Book Review, Parenting

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Peaceful Meditation for Parents of Teens

I am learning that as our children get older, it gets harder and harder to really know what is best for them. When they are small, it is so easy - walking in front of cars, bad; touching hot stove, bad; gentle hands, good; pinching, bad; memorizing multiplication tables, good; sharing, good; sitting on the cat, bad; and so on.

When they get to be teens however, and really want to do something that you believe is not in their best interest, then it gets tough! On one hand, we are older and wiser, and ultimately responsible for their safety and well being.

We cannot as parents, in good conscience, throw our hands up in the air and say, "oh, go ahead, if you really want to ... try ecstasy, stop flossing your teeth, not get enough sleep, get pregnant, ride the freight trains, get a tattoo of elvis on your forearm, drop out of high school, or go live with your boyfriend." On the other hand, as much as we would like to and believe that as teens mature, they really can and should be held accountable for their decisions, "you made your bed, now lie in it," is much easier to say than really watch.

So, as parents of teens, we constantly have to make decisions and are frequenlty tied up in knots about what to do, how serious the possible outcomes are (to the big picture), and what consequences may befall our adorable young ones. If we are lucky, we hear about these potential disasterous ideas early enough to make a few gentle suggestions (i.e, have your considered ...) while the decision is being made, and then heave a sigh of relief when they make the right decision. If we are not lucky, we hear about these decisions after the fact, when their heels are dug in, and they are ready for a fight! This is when it is tough! As parents, if our gut tells us that this is wrong, it may be, but as kids get older, that no longer guarantees that it will not actually happen.

If you are like me, you may talk to friends, spend a few days shaking your head and wondering how, after all of our self-reflective, conscious parenting, this could be happening, then there may be a few days of heavy discussion, questioning, cajoling, trying to change their minds, etc.. and when that fails, you may try and assert your power, which will not work in high conflict, divorced families, or families blessed with really stubborn children. So, then you are faced with the gut-wrenching dilemma of what to do - let them do it, put up a fight, threaten, or take legal action (that is for the high-conflict divorced families - you know who you are),none of which may work, but all are potential strategies.

Here is the mediation part:

• sit down somewhere quiet and tell yourself that in fact, it may be that no one knows what the "right" decision actually is.
• There may not be a right or wrong decision or action, it simply is what it is, a choice, and every "choice" will have consequences and rewards, however, there may be what we believe is the "best" choice.
• No matter how we fret and beat ourselves up, and wonder if we are doing what is right, we will actually never know if our way is "right," or if their way is "right," so we might as well figure out what we believe is "best."
• Then, figure out what you are willing to do so that what you believe is "best," actually happens, and then do those things, but then let things be the way they are going to be, and most important, do not beat yourself up.

All we can do is model for our children that what we believe is best, is worth fighting for, and then, if they do what we hope they don't, it is what it is, and all we can do is love them, and be as supportive as we can while they live out the outcome related to their choice.

Bottom lines:

• quit beating yourself up wondering if you are dong the right thing; you will never know;
• every choice, is what it is, just a choice, and it is yours to make; and
• trust yourself and your gut - fight for as long as you need to for what you believe, but then, let go.

The process will be what it is, and the outcome, will be what it is. Trust your love for the teenager, walk through the process, live with the outcomes of your choices, and stop trying to know if you are right - you never will.

It will be what it is. Blessings for peace!

Photo Credit: omnos
Inspirational Credit: My sister Lisa, in Austin, Texas

Labels: Parenting

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Board & Card Games for Family Bonding

When is the last time you and your kids played a board game? Given our fast-paced lives, I bet it has been a mighty long time, so why not do it this weekend? Start a new summer tradition! If your closet is full of games that the kids groan at the name of, and you want to try something new, I have two games to suggest, that both my teenagers love. The first is called "Set: The family game of visual perception" and the second is "Quiddler: For the fun of words."

Let me say first off, that this is not a paid advertisement, as I just realized they are both by the same company - SET Enterprises, Inc.. Set is a game of cards that the dealer lays on the table, 12 cards at a time, that players use to identify "sets" of three cards that differ, or are the same, by feature, including symbol, color, number, or shading. That is much harder than it sounds, but fun. The players have to wait until all 12 cards are laid down, then call out "set," before identifying the set they see, and at the end of the game, the player with the most sets wins that round. I have to admit that both teenagers are better at this than I am, so prepare to lose!

Quiddler is also a card game, with letters worth points on the cards, that players use to arrange into words. It is fast-paced and is played in 8 rounds, with an additional card given each round. A bonus is given for the most words in each round, as well as the longest word, so everyday words for younger kids can be just as valuable as larger words. Each turn players draw and discard one card until someone goes out by laying down their words. Each player gets one last chance to make words, and in our non-competitive house, everyone helps in the last round, so the youngest member of the family frequently wins.

Playing games, like sharing meals, is a wonderful way to spend time with your family, talk, engage their brains, and marvel at how smart they are! Do not be afraid to bribe them with snacks or background music you cannot stand the first time, but after that I bet it is easier to get them to be involved with family game night! Good luck and have fun!

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Labels: Parenting

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Financial Fitness for Teens and Preteens

According to the Summer, 2007 magazine called On Investing: Strategies & Ideas for Clients of Charles Schwab and a 2003 Harris Poll, preteen members of Generation Y (those born between 1982 and 1995) spend more than $19.1 billion annually, 87% of which is supplied by parents. Add that to the $15 billion a year spent on TV advertising to kids, and the chances of our preteens developing some very unhealthy spending habits risers dramatically.

Some of the advice they offer is:

• Teach kids to save, starting in preschool;
• Give kids an allowance, but make them responsible for buying certain items, so that they learn how to set spending priorities; and
• Teach by sharing your own financial decisions with your children, especially those concerning family expenses like vacations, and your saving priorities relating to their college funds.

Schwab also has a site to help you raise financially responsible teens that provides guidance on topics like budgeting, saving, credit, buying a car, leaving home, and taxes. You can find that advice at Schwab MoneyWise.

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Labels: Financial Education, Parenting, School

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Parenting as Inspiration

As parents it is all too easy to get caught up in the thousands of things we feel we have to do every day and forget what really matters. Each day we need to worry about getting ourselves and kids to work, school and after school activities, complete errands relating to pets, bosses, neighbors, cars, clothes, school, medical care, vacations, and balance the priority we give each of those things. Amidst all of that activity, it is sometimes hard to remember to breathe, smile, look into the eyes of the people we love, and make sure we are "present, " listening to not only their words, but what their bodies are telling us. It does not really matter if the yard, car, house, and kids look perfect, if the people we love have not heard each day, through our words and our actions, how wonderful they are and how much we appreciate them.

If in fact we slow down and actually remember to prioritize the people we interact with every day, we will be inspired - and peaceful - which will also infect people around us with a sense of well-being. If we slow down we will also notice the nice things in the world that people do for each other, and remember to do nice things for others. We might notice that the people in our lives are considerate, kind, and loving, and say something to thank them. We might remember to smile at the old person we pass each morning walking the dog, or the new neighbor on the street. Reaching out to others to give comfort, actually comforts us. A recent reminder of this was the Virginia Tech Tragedy. A friend wrote a note of condolence to the administration and got a response - telling her about the thousands upon thousands of notes they got from people around the world, who, in spite of being busy with their own lives, took a moment to offer a blessing. It is acts of kindness like this that remind me that the world is good, and I am not alone.

Doing things for others, and acknowledging that we are part of a community, or multiple communities of people that we are ethically responsible to, and caring for those people, is what parenting is all about. It is not just our children that we are responsible for, but everyone in our daily lives. Being aware of, nurturing, and caring for all of those people is what "parenting" is all about.

We all receive these gifts each day, from the people we know and even strangers who help us make it through our busy days, answering phones, serving coffee, delivering the mail, taking away the garbage, helping us succeed at work, answering our questions, teaching our children, fixing our cars, and bagging our groceries. In fact, nothing is possible without lots and lots of people that interact with us daily. It is the reciprocal nature of this dance we do every day - being cared for and caring for others that I think defines parenting, which inspires me, and helps me remember to breathe and smile!

Appreciating and valuing people is also the characteristic that defines the people in the world that I respect the most. Those people, no matter how important they are, who understand that their success is dependent on others, seem to give the best speeches and advice. Everyone is a parent if we define parenting as the caring for, and being cared for, by others.

Photo Credit: Jeff Kubina

Labels: Emotional Health, Parenting

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Boys: The Teens We Ignore

While looking for other information about teens and health care I found a great article at Tolerance.org entitled, "Guiding our sons from boyhood to manhood - Paul Kivelidentifies four things every emerging man needs." It was an interesting read and an opportunity to think about the fact that so much adolescent research and thought goes into adolescent girls, and that there is very little work around boys and their particular issues.

Mr Kivel addresses the age-old dilemma about whether to let "boys be boys," or help them to become strong, creative, caring, and healthy men. Not raising boys, I am struck by how difficult this must be for a parent. Raising men whose gender roles are flexible, who is confident, and yet sensitive, but not teased as a sissy, or momma's boy, sounds like quite a challenge. There is a lot of social and media influence suggesting that "to be a man," boys should not cry, or back down, are in control, take charge, are responsible, have a lot of sex, and desire to have a lot of money. In his article, Mr. Kivel suggests that whenever boys try to act differently, there are many cultural pressures to stick with the stereotypes.

I am wondering how difficult it is to actually discuss with boys the gender role training they are receiving both at home and from media, books, movies, peers, and sports. As a parent, I find it easy to guide my daughters - they see me taking care of others, balancing my responsibilities between family and work, volunteering at their school, doing community service, and taking care of myself. It is part of my daily life and theirs to worry about others, talk about things, and share our feelings. Is that so much different when raising boys?

In the article, Mr. Kivel suggests that boys need to practice expressing their feelings; a chance to nurture; someone to talk with about the hard stuff; and a chance to make a difference in their community. The burden is on parents to make sure that their sons are being allowed to just focus on sports and traditionally male endeavors, they must be given an opportunity to nurture a pet or younger siblings, express their feelings through art, music, dance, or via dialogue, and get involved with community service in a meaningful way, not just to satisfy a community service requirement for college entrance.

I send blessings to parents raising boys - I hope you have a lot of support!

Photo Credit: babasteve

Labels: Boys, Parenting

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Cyber Chores

A national study about family online behavior from Stars for Kidz recently reported that since parents are busy and use computers more at home, but lack the expertise their kids have, a new chore for children may be helping parents with online activities. The 8-14 year-olds report spending about three hours a day online, but half say their parents decide how much time is acceptable.

The report is called "Surfin' on Mom's Turf: Cyber Chillin' with 8-14 Year-Olds," and surveyed over 6,000 kids about chores and Internet use. nearly half of the 8-to-14 year-olds reported that their parents needed their skills on the Internet and 29% reported helping online because mom just did not have enough time. Some of the tasks kids are helping with included comparison shopping, online banking, tax preparation, and travel planning. The reported cyber chores for 8-14 year-olds included sharing pictures and emails with relatives (38%); checking movie listings (38%); party planning (36%); vacation & travel planning (36%); driving directions (35%), and tax preparation (14%).

This kind of report gives a whole new wrinkle to chores and family responsibility. It was a nice thought for me that families are working together on many of these activities, with kids having skills and responsibilities that are valued and important to the family. If families are sharing this Internet time, it is also likely that computers are in public areas and parents are talking with the youth about Internet safety.

Photo Credit: Atari, Gracinha & Marco

Labels: Parenting

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Mothers and Community

I had the pleasure of attending a Symposium for Mothers in Palo Alto on March 17, 2007 where Dr. Mary Pipher was speaking, and I want to share with you some of the things I heard that day.

First, I have to say it was a wonderful feeling to be with about 550 other women (and six men) who were there to celebrate mothers - and honor the power of what we do - protect, nurture, guide, and advocate for our children. Far from our life-demands, we had breakfast, saw old fiends, made new friends, and were validated for the support and connectedness we provide the community. The theme of the day was "The Shelter of Each Other," and throughout the day I heard Dr. Pipher saying find others and be inspired - you are not alone!

The dysfunction we are all experiencing is not from within the family (necessarily), but from the culture we have created that inundates us with information, television that renders our brains incapable of thought, and a social structure without ties to the people we see every day. Antidotes include dinner time conversations as well as time with grandparents and extended family that includes moral and character education, socialization, and stress management decision-making and strategies.

Exposure to our culture is creating people whose brains are not developing impulse control and decision-making skills until late adolescence - in fact, Dr. Pipher suggested that we may have artificially pushed the age of adulthood back to about 30, and given adolescence spans age 10 to 20, that leaves a new phase Dr. Pipher called "adultescence," for ages 20 to 30.

Here are some of the messages I wrote down:

• Be intentional about what you expose your children to (particularly TV) - if not, you will be stressed, unhealthy and broke.
• To protect our families from a toxic culture, connect to and provide connection to what was good.
• Remember to tell your children that you love them and tell them when you respect their decisions or are impressed with how they handle a particular situation.
• Advertising teaches against the messages from every religion - it says get it all; get it all now; you need it; you deserve it; and to heck with everything else.
• Religions teach that you do not need everything (or now); it is better to think about others; and our responsibility is to make the world a better place.
• The two most radical things we can each do to change the world are 1) Talk to people, especially teens and 2) Slow down.

For those of you who are nor familiar with Mary Pipher, she is a Clinical Psychologist from the midwest and she has written books about women, girls, and families that include: Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families, Another Country: The Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, The Middle of Everywhere: The World's Refugees Come to Our Town, and Writing to Change the World. She communicates with down-to-earth stories full of hope and compassion.

Photo credit: alexanderdrachmann

Labels: Parenting

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Parenting in the 21st Century & Blogs

As our culture changes, media and technology are exposing our students at younger ages to a greater variety of images and a wider range of information. As I listen to questions from friends about their teens I have been struck by the fact that many parents, perhaps not as quick to adapt to new technologies, may have found themselves without a “community” of people to discuss these changes, and to sort through decisions and dilemmas presented to parents in the 21st century.

One place parents are finding “community,” along with news and information impacting parenting decisions, is through blogs. The term “blog” comes from “Web log,” and is a form of “social media (e.g., MySpace and Wikipedia).” The word “blog” can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog. Blogs are user-generated web sites where entries are made, in a style similar to a formal journal or diary entry, and are displayed in reverse chronological order. Many blogs also include links to other blogs and Internet-based resources that you might find interesting.

Some blogs provide commentary on news about a particular subject, such as adolescent health, politics, education, dieting, medical technology, sports, while others function more like personal online diaries. You can subscribe to most blogs so that updates come via email, making it very easy to stay in touch with a topic or group of people with whom you share an interest.

A typical blog post includes text, a picture, and links to other related information about the topic. People reading the blog can leave comments about the content with links to other web-based information about the topic. Blogs frequently generate lively conversation.

Below are some of my favorite parenting blogs, along with other useful online resources. Enjoy and good luck!

Commonsense Media is dedicated to improving the media and entertainment lives of kids and families. They believe in sane judgment, not censorship. Their homepage includes reviews of the latest movies, resources and tools for parents, and links to their blog.

Ypulse is an independent blog for teen and youth media and marketing professionals, but parents find it very informative as a link to the reality of tweens, teens, generation y and generation x.

Interested in finding other blogs? Just go to Google and search for “blogs for parents.”

Not blogs, but great resources for health information include:

Go Ask Alice! is the health question-and-answer Internet service produced by Columbia University’s Health Promotion Program. They publish recently asked questions, let you search for health information by subject, and give you a chance to ask questions.

TeensHealth was created by The Nemours Foundation for Children’s Health Media. They provide families with accurate, up-to-date, and jargon-free health information.

We’re Talking Too: Preteen Health and We’re Talking Teen Health are sponsored by the Palo Alto Medical Foundation (PAMF) and provide reliable health information and resources to families.

Photo credit: Zoonie

Labels: Parenting

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What Every Parent Should Know About School Involvement

PTOtoday.com had a great article recently about parent involvement. It suggested that building parent involvement with schools was the most important thing parent groups could do, and perhaps the most difficult. There are lots of reasons that parents say they are not more involved, including: 1) they do not have enough time; 2) they do not feel comfortable at school because of their age or limited English skills; and 3) their schedules will not allow time in school.

Parent groups can address each of those issues - encouraging all parents to give whatever they can, even an hour each month, doing something they can do from home, or in the evening or on the weekends, but those are not the only barriers. Maybe they just do not realize that it matters to the long term health of their children.

There are some compelling reasons why parents should be involved with schools, and a new book called "A new generation of evidence: The family is critical to student achievement," by Henderson & Berla sums it up -- when parents are involved in their childrens education at home, the children do better in school and go farther in school. Specifically,

• They get better grades;
• Score higher on tests;
• Attend school regularly;
• Have better social skills;
• Have a more positive attitude about school;
• Enjoy school more;
• Complete more of their homework;
• Are more involved in extracurricular activities; and
• Graduate more often.

It is never too late, but the earlier you start being involved with schools, the more pronounced the impact is on your children, and it matters that you are involved at each grade level. In high school if your teen does not really want you around their friends, join a committee and work with other parents. It also matters that both parents are involved - not just the moms - Dads matter!

Photo Credit: Matt McGee

Labels: Parenting, School

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The Hidden Health Issue: Emotional Well-Being

The Lucile Packard Foundation for Children's Health has just released the results from the second annual Bay Annual Parent Poll, a telephone survey of nearly 1,800 parents from Alameda, Contra Costa, Marin, San Francisco, San Mateo, and Santa Clara counties in California.

For a second year in a row, Bay Area parents have put their children's emotional health at the top of their worry list, highlighting a health risk not usually discussed. Parents across economic, ethnic, and geographic lines said that they worried about stress, depression, weight, and the impact of family stress on their kids.

Stress and Depression
Two-thirds of the parents of teenagers said their child experiences stress from schoolwork, pressure to excel in school, divorce, and family finances. In addition, 25% of parents were concerned their child might be depressed. Comparatively, less than 10% of parents of teens were worried about their children smoking cigarettes, using alcohol, smoking marijuana, or engaging in sexual activity.

Other Results
Family Time: More than 25% of parents said they do not spend enough time together as a family.
Media: More than 45% of parents said that the media had a negative effect on their teens.

It is clear from the results of this survey that parents of older teens are more worried about their emotional health and I would guess that part of this finding reflects parents not feeling "connected" to their teens. We know that stress and depression are predictors for teens participating in many unhealthy behaviors, including drinking, smoking, and early sexual involvement.

Not only do these results call for schools and health care to regularly assess the emotional well-being of teens, it is a wake-up call for parents to "engage" with both the health care and educational systems to advocate for changes to reduce the stress our youth are feeling.

You can find additional information and more findings at http://kidsdata.org/parentpoll.

Photo credit: The Lucile Packard Foundation for Children's Health and the Survey Policy and Research Institute at San Jose State University.

Labels: Mental Health, Parenting

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The Importance of Touch and Teens

Unfortunately, as our teens get older, there is a tendency for them to get less affectionate with us and for us to forget to be affectionate with them. OK - I admit, sometimes affection is the last thing we are feeling toward our teen after a long day, but sometimes I think we just forget. In addition, as adults, there seems to be a tendency to receive less and less touch, and we may associate touch only with sexuality, forgetting how important human touch is to overall well-being.

We all need human touch, and it has been used for centuries to help heal people - emotionally and physically. We have all seen the bumper stickers, "Have you hugged your child today?" Which is a good reminder. As teens grow, we have to consciously find ways to connect with them, and touch them in ways that feel good to them and are appropriate.

A hug and a kiss at school drop off is probably not going to go over very well, but if you offer the kiss as they leave the house, it might work. Bedtime is another great time to share a cup of tea, talk, cuddle and just give them a hug - everyone is more receptive when tired and not in a hurry. If touch is hard to integrate into your relationship with your teen, you can try giving him or her a facial, or rubbing their feet, hands, neck, or back.

Another option is learning about Reiki (pronounced ray-key), which is a Japanese form of healing that is becoming popular worldwide. Reiki involves the transfer of energy from one person to another to enhance the body's natural ability to heal itself through the balancing of energy. This might sound a little loose, but basically, it is a laying of hands upon another person and it can bring about deep relaxation and make people feel energized. The idea is that the person being touched will draw energy from the person touching them.

If you realize you are not touching your teen - you can introduce the idea of adding more touch into your relationship by acknowledging that you feel less connected and want a way to spend more time touching him or her, and helping them feel loved. You can also tell them you read about Reiki and want to try just laying your hands on their shoulders or head for 5 minutes while they study or watch TV - then ask if they feel any better. If you both take slow deep breaths, it is likely to make you both feel better.

Happy touching!

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Labels: Parenting

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Parent-Child Connectedness

We hear a lot of about the importance of being connected to our teens, but I am not sure most parents understand exactly what "being connected" means. In addition, there are many things that are required before parents can actually behave in a connected way. This post is meant to help parents and teachers understand the determinants of the behaviors that help parent-child connectedness.

Parent-child connectedness is a condition characterized by an emotional bond between a parent and a child that is both mutual and sustained over time. Parent-child connectedness is something that protects young people from the many challenges and risks facing them in today's world, including tobacco use, depression, eating disorders, pregnancy, and HIV infection.

The specific parent behaviors include:

• Provide for basic physiological needs;
• Build and maintain trust;
• Demonstrate love, care and affection;
• Share activity;
• Prevent, negotiate and resolve family conflicts;
• Establish and maintain structure (establish expectations, conduct effective monitoring, conduct effective discipline, and use positive reinforcement); and
• Communicate effectively (Receive messages effectively, understand messages, and send messages effectively).

In order to provide for basic physiological needs, parents must:

• Understand the basic nutritional, clothing, shelter, healthcare, mental & physical needs of their preteens and teens, including how these needs change over time;
• Know where to access services for providing basic needs;
• Have the skills necessary to overcome any barriers to access; and
• Have support for their parenting including family, friends, neighbors, professionals, community-level support like church, or other support networks.

In order to build and maintain trust, parents must:

• Believe that trust is important in relationships;
• Understand the function of trust in healthy relationships;
• Understand the components of trust include honesty, commitment, openness, confidentiality, patience, loyalty, consistency, respect, avoiding humiliation, listening, forgiveness, and providing emotional support in the form of encouragement, nurturing, love, and affection;
• Use parental power and influence appropriately;
• Apologize when appropriate;
• Demonstrate respect for your child by expressing pride in and appreciation for your child; and
• Understand how their own childhoods are influencing their parenting.

In order to demonstrate love, care and affection, parents must:

• Learn what does and doesn't feel loving and affectionate to your child (through discussion and observation);
• Understand that showing love and caring include expressing physical and verbal affection, doing special things for your child, being consistent and loving, and building trust;
• Hugs, kisses, snuggling, saying "I love you," holding hands, etc.. that are age appropriate and feel "right" to your children;
• Do special things for your child including cards, gifts, special meals, and one-to-one time;
• Make love and affection unconditional;
• Express love, care and affection equally among siblings;
• Model love and affection in other relationships; and
• Recognize and deal with your own barriers to giving and receiving love, care and affection.

In order to share activity, parents must:

• Find a time for regular shared activity (and watching TV does not count);
• Be well enough physically and emotionally to share activities with your child;
• Learn what shared activities your child enjoys and negotiate differences in interests between yourself and your child;
• Recognize the value of "down time" for shared activity;
• Understand the value of "connective" shared activity, including laughter, humor, playfulness, creating together, and patience;
• Recognize the value of ritual including the celebration of milestones, traditions, cultural and religious events as shared activity; and
• Recognize and problem-solve teens' experience of negative social pressure to spend time with parents.

In order to prevent, negotiate and resolve conflicts, parents must:

• Learn and use conflict resolution skills including: establishing ground rules, negotiating and making decisions jointly, focusing on common ground, compromising, apologizing and forgiving;
• Learn and use conflict prevention skills including: family meetings, parent admitting mistakes, asking teens' opinions, being clear and reasonable, and having fair and consistent rules;
• Understand teens need more autonomy as they grow older, and give it to them (in the form of work ethics, money management, pet care, making appointments, planning and scheduling, and time management);
• Be aware of and model healthy, non-violent, non-aggressive, constructive methods for releasing stress, anger and frustration;
• Recognize and be able to control the effect of outside conflict (with spouse, relatives, and child's siblings) on your relationship with your child;
• Understand contributors to conflict (e.g., not following through with agreements, chores not being done, conflicts between parent-child); and
• Ability to monitor child's behavior without nagging.

In order to establish and maintain structure, parents must:

• Believe that providing structure by establishing expectations, monitoring, and disciplining are important to healthy parent-child relationships;
• Be aware of your expectations of your child and avoid imposing your own tastes and preferences;
• Understand adolescent development, especially a teen's increased need for autonomy in relation to realistic expectations;
• Develop and communicate expectations that are clear, specific, consistent, realistic, and fair;
• Negotiate the amount of structure and the scheduling of teen's out-of-school time;
• Establish short- and long-term goals for achievement with your child;
• Negotiate and use joint decision-making and provide rationale for rules;
• Grant autonomy effectively, teaching values about work, money, planning, and time mangement;
• Know who your teen is spending time with, their personal interests, and risk-taking behaviors;
• Help your teen find and participate in structured, monitored activities;
• Use shared activities that double as monitoring (e.g., completing homework together, "down time" discussions, transporting teens to outside activities, and observing peers);
• Believe that the purpose of discipline is for teaching and not for punishment or penitence;
• Establish a set of consequences that are clear, consistent, and/or natural consequences;
• Negotiate consequences with teen;
• Depersonalize discipline and talk about behavior without blaming or judging the child's self-worth;
• Provide praise, privileges and rewards for positive behavior in a consistent manner and with equal or greater frequency than negative reinforcement/punishment;
• Express confidence in the child's cpapabilities, specifically the child's ability to behave positively; and
• Publicly affirming and displaying tokens of your child's accomplishments (e.g., hang report card on the refrigerator).

In order to communicate effectively, parents must:

• Know that there are three components of communication - receiving, understanding, and sending messages;
• Demonstrate openness by initiating conversations, being availalbe, using welcoming and positive body language, being patient, inviting opinions, and valuing child's feelings; and
• Be open-minded.

For more Information
Rolleri, L., Bean, S., and Ecker, N. (2006): A Logic Model of Parent-Child Connectedness: Using the Behavior-Determinant-Intervention (BDI) Logic Model to Identify Parent Behaviors necessary for Connectedness with Teen Children. Santa Cruz, CA ETR Associates.

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Support for Depressed Parents of Teens

I had a request from someone this week to help locate support for parents who are depressed and parenting a teen and what I found was pretty dismal. I am hoping that if readers of Teen Health 411 know of any online support groups for depressed parents, that you will post a comment and share that information with us.

I did find some great resources (listed below) about depression, and there are support groups for parents - for parent with depressed teens, kids with ADHD, and developmental delayed kids, as well as support groups for single parents, Jewish parents, divorced parents, etc... but no online support for parents who are depressed and managing to parent teens, in some cases, quite successfully.

Resources
Support Groups for Depression
dmoz open directory project - support groups

dmoz open directory project - chats and forums

Other Groups
Depressed Moms
Good information, maybe a little more appropriate for new moms.

Support Partners
Is a program to help people find the support they need.

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
NIMH is the primary funding and information disseminating arm for depression-related research in the United States.

This is the NIMH portal to information on depression: signs and symptoms, treatment, and how to get help.

Real Men Real Depression gives examples of men who had the courage to seek help

Depression and Women, this web page also addresses gender-related differences in diagnosis and treatment

Depression and Children - information useful to parents, students, and others is provided in the site’s links, as well as the latest information related to the use of medications in treating depressed children, including an advisory from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

More Resources (suggested since original post was published)
Parenting Well
A group of researchers and practitioners providing resources for healthy families.

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Organized Activity Participation or Over-Scheduling - Which is Better for Youth?

Researchers have suggested that kids who are involved in organized activities outside of school - extracurricular activities including art, music, and sports, after-school programs, and youth organizations - do better academically, socially, emotionally, and physically compared to "latchkey" children left alone after school. This fact, along with the fact that those activities also provide adult supervision for youth with working parents, is encouraging policy makers to expand opportunities for all youth to participate in after-school activities.

The opposite concern exists in other researchers concerned about the "over-scheduling" of youth motivated by parents wanting to give a competitive edge to their children by involving them in sports, music, community service, and pushing them to the point of stressing them out and compromising their psychosocial development.

To evaluate these two different perspectives, in the 4th issue of the 2006 Social Policy Report, Mahoney, Harris, and Eccles review evidence that help us understand intrinsic motivation and extrinsic pressure from parents to participate in activities. American youth average about 5 hours a week participating in organized activities, including about 40% do not participate in any organized activities and about 6% who spend 20 or more hours a week participating.

The consensus is that those youth who participate in activities outside school do better academically, complete high school and college more often, are psychologically healthier, have better interactions with parents, and are less likely to smoke or use drugs. The level of involvement however can be a negative influence on development if driven by parents, stressful to the child, or precludes family time (e.g., meals together or time to talk).

The entire report can be found at: http://www.srcd.org/press/mahoney.pdf



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At-risk, Privileged, and Pressured

What can be wrong across middle- to upper-middle-class communities where families with two working parents want the best for their kids in a super competitive world? Why are kids who look good, are getting good grades, play sports or musical instruments, and do community service showing up in the offices of counselors at record numbers? Even without bad divorces, substance abuse, depression, school failure, or delinquent behavior, these kids are in serious trouble.

A new book by Madeline Levine called “The price of privilege: How parental pressure and material advantage are creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids” describes kids who are overscheduled, lack enthusiasm, feel pressured, misunderstood, anxious, angry, and empty. In spite of these teens being articulate and intelligent, they do not seem to know themselves very well. They may be impulsive, or boring – they may be personable, but not very creative. They share several things in common though – they are very dependent on approval from others, are held to high academic standards, are given materials rewards, get little pleasure from things, and may not share much family responsibility at home.

It would be a mistake to trivialize this problem, say the parents are “too involved” and dismiss these kids as being “spoiled” – it is much more serious than that. These kids are feeling things they perceive as failures – low grades, low SAT scores, failure to make a varsity team, or a lack of friends at a profound level. Those feelings are contributing to the self-destructive behaviors associated with these unhappy and fragile privileged youth.

These are not marginalized youth – these kids have parents, coaches, teachers and counselors pouring attention and resources into them – they appear to have everything, except a sense of themselves. What may be missing is autonomy or independence – the “self” that develops by being exposed to and learning to handle complex interpersonal challenges and situations.

To become adults, teens must learn to identify their talents, skills, and interests while learning to make their own decisions and balance their lives. Parents want kids who are creative, happy, become self-starters, who can delay gratification, tolerate frustration and show self -control.

The ideal relationship with parents is one that allows for differences of opinions and is built on respect for each individual. Letting a teen make a decision must include the teen living with the consequences of that decision – mom or dad cannot clean up the outcome – dealing with that outcome helps kids make the next decision.

It is hard for parents to watch bad decisions, but we have to do it – we have to not be critical or intrusive. Instead, we need to be emotionally available to them, we can offer our opinion, but we cannot tell them what to do – to do so robs them of that “sense of self.” We also have to avoid creating children who do things to please us and never learn what is important to them.

As parents, we may need to start talking about our concerns and struggle with issues like the lines between connectedness and overinvolvement; love and intrusiveness; encouragement and obssessiveness. We may need to examine how we are modeling personal relationships, friendships, responsibility to others, and self-care. We need to be conscious, face the issues, and work it out – withdrawing never helps and good parenting is always inconvenient to the parent.

Teens need tremendous support and encouragement to become people who love who they “are” which is ultimately much more important than what they “do.”

Sources
Levine, M. (2006) The Price of privilege: How parental pressure and material advantage are creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids. HarperCollins Publishers, New York.



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Confidential Reproductive Health Care and Teens

One reason that adolescents forgo medical care is that they may be concerned about confidentiality. Their parent(s) may have always gone to the doctor with them and they are concerned that he or she will tell the parent about any behavior they report to the doctor. This is why at about age 12 (in California) some doctors will tell youth that anything said to them is confidential and start asking the parent to step out of the room for a minute during a physical or ask the child if they would rather meet with the doctor alone.

As health care professionals, we want the adolescents to trust us and disclose any risk behavior so that referrals or appropriate care can be provided. To encourage this, there are confidentiality laws in most states, although I dare say most parents and even some doctors are not clear what they mean.

I will summarize the laws (for minors) related to reproductive health care in California. A minor of any age may consent for care for pregnancy, contraception, abortion, emergency medical services, or sexual assault and rape services. The health care provider may not inform the parent if a minor seeks care for pregnancy, contraception, or abortion. The health care provider must contact the parent for emergency medical services and sexual assault (unless the parent is responsible for the assault, or the minor is over 12 and treated for rape).

A minor over the age of 12 can request testing or treatment for sexually transmitted disease, including HIV, as well as rape, and the health care provider may not tell the parent without the minor’s (signed) consent. That means that parents cannot see the medical records relating to reproductive services of teens.

Reporting the sexual activity of minors to children’s protective service or police
If a minor is being coerced or exploited into sexual activity, it is reportable. In addition, if a minor is having consensual sexual intercourse with an older partner, it is reportable if the child is 11 – 13 and the partner is 14 or older; and if the teen is 14 – 15 and the partner is 21 years or older.

A note to doctors: Even though the laws are in place to encourage teens to seek and receive care, the “system” may provide leaks and physicians must protect teens by understanding how billing and Explanation of Benefits, satisfaction surveys, appointment reminders and lab results are handled. If there is a chance that a parent will find out the teen was seen for a confidential reproductive service, it would be better to refer them to a local Planned Parenthood, or work with your institution to eliminate the barriers to providing care.

A note to parents: I know that the fact that your teen can receive health care for pregnancy, contraception, abortion, testing or treatment for sexually transmitted disease, including HIV, as well as rape without your knowledge or consent may surprise, and maybe outrage you, but please take a deep breath and think about this: if your child is involved in sexual behavior, and you do not know, wouldn’t it better for the doctor to know, provide information and protection to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection? The way to avoid this situation is to be an approachable parent. Start early and talk to your kids about everything - sex, alcohol, smoking, drugs, rape, and every other difficult subject –include your values and expectations - you will be glad you did, and it will increase the chances that you will know when your teens become sexually active.

Sources
National Center for Youth Law
Understanding Confidentiality and Minor Consent in California: An Adolescent Provider Toolkit, Adolescent Health Working Group

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Helping Teens Become Responsible for Health Care

Not only are teens likely to miss preventive medical care, there was also a recent report about young adults suggesting they do not get the health care they need, in part because they tend to healthy, but in part because they never really learned how to be responsible for their health care, access medical care, and include it in their daily life planning.

One way to avoid this is for parents of teens to encourage their teens to become responsible for their health care and build their own relationship with their health care provider. Tell your child starting at age 11 that they can receive confidential care from their doctor and that you want them to feel comfortable asking questions or seeing the doctor without you. When your child is ready for the responsibility, tell them when it is time for their annual physical and that you would like them to make their own appointment this year. Give them the number and let them make the appointment. Once they can drive, they can even take themselves to the appointment.

Tell the doctor that you want to encourage your teen to see them for any concerns they might not want their parents involved in, and leave written consent for your child to receive care. You may still have to come in to sign for immunizations, so encourage the teen to ask if their parent must be present for the visit.

Even with younger teens, you can let them know that as their body and feelings change, there may be questions they have that they would be more comfortable talking to a doctor about, so encourage them to call the doctor, and explore safe, medically accurate Web sites about teen health. You can even bookmark some for them. My favorites are obviously We’re Talking Teen Health and We’re Talking, Too: Preteen Health.

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Parenting Preteens

Parenting some preteens can really be a surprise. Some preteens (and teens) slide easily from childhood to adolescence with not even a flap – given their personality, family, or just luck, it is an easy transition. For others, it may feel like quite a challenge for the preteen and the parent. One day you wake up to find that your sweet, considerate, enthusiastic child who loves to spend time with you has been replaced with an irritable, demanding replica. Luckily for all parents (and preteens), the periods of pre-teen syndrome (PTS we call it in my family) are short lived and only come and go – at first.

Do not pretend that the PTS replica will not be back! I suggest every family experiences PTS develop a plan and maybe set up an appointment with a family counselor. This is where it is obvious I am a developmental psychologist. The plan should include information, support and skills.

First, you might need to find information. A great web site for information about preteen health is “We’re Talking, Too: Preteen Health” by the Palo Alto Medical Foundation. This site is a good one to bookmark for your preteen and suggest they use it when they have questions about their health. It has resources for parents and teachers, too.

Your plan should also include support and guidance from a therapist and/or other parents – hopefully other parents who want to stay involved and are seeking constructive ways to stay connected to their preteen during this rocky period. The Lucile Packard Foundation for Children’s Health and the Preteen Alliance have a web site just for parents of preteens who want to discuss some of the thorny issues affecting preteens these days.

Finally, the plan needs some behavioral skills. My favorite skill or maybe coping mechanism is “do not engage.” When your preteen or teen starts in about how rotten things are, do not take it personally or let the fact that you just spent an hour making his or her favorite dinner color your reaction. If he or she is whining about having to walk the dog or take out the trash, do not let yesterday’s conversations about sharing the responsibility of pet ownership or the increased allowance for chores color your reaction. Be calm, empathetic, and then, when the PTS replica is gone, you can talk about responsibility and allowance – not during the whiny, cranky phase – it will not end well.

Other very concrete skills are 1) use humor; make a joke, stick your tongue out, 2) talk about this being a PTS day and put a dot on the calendar to mark the “cycle;” 3) scream for someone to bring the chocolate; and 4) make everyone a cup of tea and pretend you have lost your voice. Good luck!




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