Summer Camp & Independence

Well it is summer again and if your kids are lucky, they are preparing for summer camp. Our family favorite is the old-fashioned camp - crafts, campfires, silly songs, talent shows, mess halls, pools, and ropes courses.

Preparation means writing your last name on everything, deciding which clothes and towels you never need to use again, buying aloe vera gel for sunburns, biodegradable soap, Costco sized sunscreen, enough toiletries for everyone to take some, and my favorite, bug sprays - from 99% deet for spraying at the bottom of pants and around the edges of bedding to 30% deet for arms. legs, and scalps!

If this is your child's first time at camp, last summer's post about preparing your child for being away from home might be useful. If your child is a seasoned camper, they are probably just excited, but I encourage you not to let them pack by themselves. I cannot tell you how many times I say, "are you packed?" and the answer is "yes," and then I march in, ask for the packing list, and as my child puts stuff in the suitcase, I start down the list, "14 pairs of underwear," "check," "14 pairs of socks," "check," "7 pairs of pants," "check," "7 pairs of shorts," "check," "2 towels," "oops," "sleeping bag," "oh I'll get that," and it goes down hill from there!

"Packed" seems to be a relative term to teenagers, so beware! Nothing will help you worry less than knowing you watched the important things go into the suitcase! Remember if they are traveling alone to get to the airport early, request a gate pass to walk them to the gate through security, and have them show you their passport, boarding tickets, money, etc... before you leave them.

Apart from knowing they have the "things" they need, if you are the parent of a junior or senior in high school, preparing for your teen being away this summer may bring up some anxiety about how close you are to having your teen leave home for college. As teens get older, they also are gone for longer periods of time, which adds to our anxiety. Try hard not to let it show - teens need our support and encouragement - and they may already be nervous.

For parents of the older teens trying to get your kids ready for two to four weeks away at camp, I send peaceful blessings! I know this phase of parenting is tough, but remember, this is our job - we are supposed to prepare them to be independent and happy adults. Helping them manage being away from home for a couple of weeks is a good trial for leaving home and being away for months at a time.

You can send them with the required summer reading, laundry soap and money for free time, remind them to take their vitamins and floss their teeth, and not lose their retainer, but then, you sit back and let them grow up. They will forget the bug spray until they get bit, forget the sunscreen until they burn, choose not to floss for a while, and forget to sort the clothes when doing laundry, but they need to learn.

They will also miss you, even if they never say it, so remember to plan ahead and send letters so they get them during camp - but no pictures - that might make them cry!

Have fun and remember to ask them to teach you a silly camp song when they return - next year you can hum it while they are gone!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Travel

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Families Struggle to Make Ends Meet

Do you know that a job making minimum wage ($8) brings in an annual salary of $16,640? A parent with two children living in the San Francisco Bay Area would need to work three full-time minimum wage jobs just to make ends meet.

The updated 2008 California Family Economic Self-Sufficiency Standard reports that the median self-sufficiency standard for the state of California has increased by $14,420 for a family of three while the minimum wage has increased by only $2,600, leaving most families unable to meet the cost of basic needs. When I say basic, I mean basic - housing, food, utilities, child care, health care, and transportation.

So, what does it cost to live in the SF Bay Area? Well, if a family lives in Marin County, the self-sufficiency standard is $73,576. If you live in Solano County, you can "get by" with $54,668! Santa Clara County is $68,430 and Santa Cruz County is $65,726. So, in Santa Clara County, a single adult with two kids would have to make at least $33 an hour just to cover the basics!

We are in so much trouble! No wonder families cannot provide health insurance, medications, clothes, and school supplies to their kids, and the credit debt in our country is skyrocketing! How can we focus on our families when we have to struggle to make ends meet?

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Labels: Financial Education, Healthline, Parenting

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Staycations with Teens

Last month when my teens and I were planning our road trip to do community service at our beloved wolf sanctuary (Howling Acres) and to see the University of Oregon, at Eugene, which is on my eldest daughter's short list for college, I heeded my own advice and "checked in" with them about how excited they were about the trip.

What they said surprised me, and led to a radically different vacation. My teens were thinking that with camps and half the summer spent with their other parent, the two weeks we would be traveling were their only two weeks at home this summer and they were thinking maybe they would rather stay home!

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, my teens and I joined the thousands of families in the United States this summer who, faced with very busy school year schedules, rising gas prices, an uncertain economy, and one income that does not seem to go as far as it used to, decided to stay at home instead of taking our annual summer vacation.

We made a list of all of the cool places in the San Francisco Bay Area that we had not visited ever or recently, activities we wanted to do including an all day Monopoly game, days with friends, the beach, baking pies, picking blackberries, visiting IFly, and then developed a calendar in which we could sleep late, eat out a lot, and do at least one thing someone wanted to do each day.

We are one week into our "staycation" and I have to say we are all relaxed, happy, well into our summer reading books, and completely enjoying our family time. My house has seen better days, and there is a lot of laundry to do next week, but I recommend this to everyone!

Here's to lazy summer days!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Travel

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Alcohol Use and Teens: The Role of Adults

What are you telling your teens (with words or actions) about alcohol use? There was a very thought-provoking article in Time Magazine last week about alcohol use and teens. In spite of the fact that it focused on the negative and forgot to point out that nearly half of teens do not drink alcohol and 80% do not binge drink, it presented some very interesting facts including:

• more than half of underage teens drank alcohol;
• 40% of the underage drinkers got their alcohol from an adult; and
• 20% of underage drinkers have participated in binge drinking (5+ in a sitting).

The article also forgot to point out that alcohol is involved in most sexual assault and rape cases, which I think should always be mentioned. However, as disturbing as those facts are, the thing that bothered me the most was the critical and enabling role of adults. The article suggested that teens who binge drink are likely to come from families where an adult binge drinks, and much of the alcohol consumed was provided by adults.

I think this topic brings up several important assumptions and suggests a couple of key decisions for parents to make. First, the assumptions - do you as a parent think that it is inevitable that teens drink? Do you assume that if you do not provide teens with alcohol that they will get it somewhere else? Do you believe that teens who are prohibited from drinking are more likely to binge drink when they get to college, or turn 21? Do you believe your child would not drink and drive or get in a car with someone else who had been drinking? Do you think your child understand the vulnerability for sexual assault associated with alcohol use? Do you believe that your own relationship with alcohol use is healthy?

Now the decisions - will you allow your teen to drink at special occasions or dinner? Will you allow other teens to drink in your home at special occasions or dinner? Will you allow your teen to drink more than a small amount during the meal? Will you provide alcohol to teens during a party in your home? If alcohol is served at a party, should the parent be a) present, and b) liable for anything that happens? Will you drink more than one in front of your children? Will you drink and drive?

These are sticky questions and translate in real problems for adults who may not be responsible drinkers and for the few teens with a propensity for alcoholism and risk taking. I realize that your answers may be different if you grew up with an alcoholic parent, your child is a risk taker, or you live in a very alcohol-oriented community, but I think it is important to think about these issues and talk through them with your children.

As always, teens are more likely to abide by rules that they participate in making, seem fair, and have clear consequences if broken. Good luck!

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Labels: Alcohol, Healthline, Parenting, Teen Health

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Planning Vacations With Teens

It is summertime again and the vacation is coming! I am sorry to say but long gone are the years when the parents decided what the vacation would be, when it would be, and which activities would happen. Sorry, now you have teenagers.

If, as a parent, you are consciously trying to give more autonomy and responsibility to your teens, and teach them the things that we know as grownups, then it is time to include them in the planning. Just because you have gone someplace every year, seen certain relatives, or always done a certain activity, does not mean that, now that your kids are teens, it would be their first pick.

Respect and love in family vacation planning mean that everyone gets to do what they love, or at least some of what they love. Chances are good that in your family, like mine, you have very different personalities. One person wants to do an all day zip line safari, one wants to edit a chapter of a book she is writing, one wants to kayak, and one wants to see a museum.

You may be lucky and have malleable teens who will do what they are told, and never complain, but that does not mean they are happy or learning how to make a memorable vacation happen. More likely, if you have not included the teen in the planning, you have a teen who seems reluctant during the planning, not very excited about the trip, says "do I really have to come?" or worse ye, is sullen and withdrawn during the entire vacation.

Any reluctance or ambivalence is a clue that your teen does not feel included in the planning, and is likely not going to have the best time in the world. Fear not! It is never too late to include them. Haul out the map, or the go to the Chamber of Commerce in the city where you will be visiting via the Internet, and tell the kids it is time they helped plan the vacation. Depending on your plan, the teens in the family can be given a day to plan, or an activity to pick, or a place to stop along the drive. Letting them pick some of what they do will add to their excitement and make them more tolerant of doing the things other people in the family want to do.

A few other hints: 1) have media-free time during the day - whether it is an hour or until after dinner, people can only interact if they are not focused on a screen or the music blaring in their ears; 2) food should be included in the planning and be a high point of every day - let them help plan, shop, prepare, serve, and clean-up; and 3) parents - unplug - no work, checking messages, answering email, etc... family is the most important now!

Have a great vacation!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Teen Development, Travel

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Book Review: Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen

As a parent of two girls, I know that they can use all the information they can get to help navigate the changes they experience during the gain of "40 pounds and 10 inches" associated with puberty!

In 2006 the American Medical Association published a wonderful book to help parent and teens, called "The Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen." Even though there are some great books about puberty out there for girls, this one is pretty comprehensive, so I thought I would review this one for the awesome readers of Teen Health 411.

I am very glad I read this book, and suggest every family with young girls put a copy on their bookshelf (hence the link above takes you to Amazon.com).

This is a straightforward book about the physical and emotional changes that girls will experience somewhere after age 8 as their bodies change from children to adults. I was not happy that the first few chapters focus on eating, exercise and weight, because I think choosing that focus just feeds right into our culture's obsession with "external beauty," but talking about this with our daughters can mitigate the impact.

The authors are comforting and matter-of-fact about breasts, smells and vaginal discharge, eating, fitness, height, weight, skin, hair and hair removal, teeth, feelings, and relationships. I think a nice addition to the book would have been a hygiene chart, so here is a link to one: hygiene chart for preteens. There is some talk about sexuality, sexually transmitted infections, and contraception, but not in great detail, and very appropriate for preteens.

This book does a good job of addressing the social aspects of being a preteen - making friends, being a friend, bullying, sexual harassment and even sexual assault and abuse all have short sections with important ideas for preteens to think about.

Again, books about puberty are a conversation starter for parents - no book includes all the information preteens need about puberty, relationships, and sexuality - but this book is a great start. Leave it out and your daughter will find it, or encourage her to read it! You want her to understand that you are approachable about health questions and want to be the one who answers her questions.

Be brave - get the book and start reading! It would be a good one for boys, too - to help take the mystery out of periods, breasts, and girls! Good luck!

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Labels: Book Review, Healthline, Parenting, Preteens

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Book Review: Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen

In 2006 the American Medical Association published a wonderful book called "The Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen." There are not many good books about puberty for boys out there, so I thought I would review this one for the fabulous readers of Teen Health 411.

I am very glad I read this book, and suggest every family with young boys put a copy on their bookshelf (hence the link above takes you to Amazon.com).

This is a straightforward book about the physical and emotional changes that boys will experience somewhere between 8 and 16 as their bodies change from children to adults. The book is completely sensitive to the range of changes boys experience, with some becoming hairy in the 4th grade and others never being able to grow a beard.

The authors are comforting and matter-of-fact about eating, fitness, height, weight, skin, hair, teeth, feelings, relationships, and most importantly to the target audience, penis 101 - scrotum, testicles, penises, yes, they tend to be crooked, erections, wet dreams and even masturbation are presented simply and without judgment. There is some talk about sexuality and contraception, but not in great detail, and very appropriate for preteens.

What sets this book apart from other books about puberty may be the extent to which it addresses the "feeling" side of boys - self esteem, relationships with peers and parents, strategies for coping with being shy, angry, and even stressed out. Making friends, being a friend, experimentation with substances and cigarettes, bullying, sexual harassment and even sexual assault and abuse all have short sections with important ideas for boys to think about.

I feel the same way about most books about puberty - they are really a conversation starter for parents - not all the information any preteen or teen needs about puberty, relationships, and sexuality - but this book is a great start. If you can tell your son you would like him to read it, and then make an appointment to talk about it - it will help him understand that you are approachable about health questions and want to be the one who answers his questions.

Be brave - get the book and start reading! It would be a good one for girls, too - so they have a little more compassion for the preteen boys in their lives! Good luck!

Photo credit: Christiaan Briggs

Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Preteens

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Sugar and a Soda Free Summer

The SF Bay Area is gearing up to have a "Soda Free Summer!" Six counties are being encouraged by the public health department and many community-based organizations to learn about the health risks associated with soda consumption and help families avoid soda.

Soda, along with sweetened teas and sports drinks are seen as a key cause of the nation's obesity trends, particularly in youth. Studies have shown that the extra calories from soda and other sweetened drinks leads to weight gain because they do not satisfy people's hunger, therefore they are just extra calories.

The Center for Weight and Health at U.C. Berkeley reports that sugared beverage consumption has increased 500% in the last 50 years, at the same time that obesity and diabetes rates have skyrocketed.

Rethink Your Drink! One medium triple thick chocolate shake from McDonalds has 21 teaspoons of sugar in it. One 20 oz. bottle of coke has over 16 teaspoons of sugar in it. Sunny Delight (16 oz) has 15 teaspoons of sugar in it. And lest you think water is good for you, Vitamin Water (20 oz) has 8 teaspoons of sugar in it (the same amount of sugar as a Snickers Bar).

You can calculate how many teaspoons of sugar are in your food or drink using this:
Fact: 4 grams (g) of sugar = 1 teaspoon of sugar
Math: Amount of sugar on label times (x) servings per container = total grams of sugar
Answer: Total grams of sugar divided by 4 = teaspoons of sugar in your food

Alternatives to soda include water with some fresh mint leaves or a slice of orange, lemon or lime and smoothies with non-fat yogurt and fresh fruit, low-fat or non-fat milk.

For educators, you can get sugar savvy curriculum materials in English and Spanish at the Bay Area Nutrition & Physical Activity Collaborative (banpac), and the soda free summer site has family materials in English, Spanish, Vietnamese and Chinese.

Have fun being healthier this summer!

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Labels: Healthline, Nutrition, Parenting

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I Won't Grow Up! Part 2

I promised follow-up, and here it is, although not very dramatic. The weekend arrived, and of course, the list remained undone, but my resolute teen started on the list, and stayed focused for about four hours. She then took a break and enjoyed walking to have dinner out with the family, and then she came home and set back to work, finishing the largest of the tasks before (a late) bedtime.

Saturday morning came and she asked if she could read and have coffee with everyone else versus starting right away, which her younger sister told her was a brilliant move! After breakfast the girls were focused and had their room clean and all the other tasks done by 2 PM.

So the fun began and we still have two days of beautiful weather, plenty of time, and new movies in the theaters. The only nasty task is mega homework, which she can work on for several hours each day, without my supervision. I have to say that this experiment was painless and I think what I learned is that patience is better than anger with my older teen, and being clear with expectations, and consequences, in addition to providing a timeline lets her take control.

My teen is very conscious of her responsibilities, but not above ignoring them if she thinks she can. I guess that makes her normal!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Teen Development

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Sexual Risk Reduction Information to Parents

Statistics from the 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, a representative survey of high school youth, indicated that 47% of adolescents in grades 9 through 12 engaged in sexual intercourse, and 6.2% did so before the age of 13.

The good news is that 53% had not had sex, which is good news for all parents. Given the high rates of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancies among sexually active teens, knowing that the majority of teens are choosing not to be sexual is comforting to those of us who worry about teens and should be passed on to teens, to normalize their choice not to be sexually active.

I think parents are an underutilized source of prevention education. The literature suggests that teens who talk to their parents about sex are less likely to engage in sex and more likely to use protection if they do. The literature also supports the fact that teens want to hear from parents and the fact that parents are the best educators of their teens, because they can pass on family values, in addition to information, whereas doctors and teachers focus on facts.

Since pediatricians and parents are both important components of sexual risk prevention efforts for adolescents, it would be great if pediatricians promoted parent-child communication during annual visits. Maybe at the same time the doctors suggest parents leave the exam room for a few minutes, and they explain state laws about confidential reproductive health care, they could suggest parents talk to kids about risk behaviors.

There are many resources to help, and here are a few:

Web Sites
Palo Alto Medical Foundation provides health information for parents and children.

• Parent Resources -- for parents of children of all ages.
• We're Talking -- Teen Health Info. -- for children, ages 13 to 18 and their parents. The purpose is to help youth find medically accurate information about health, and to stimulate important conversations between parents and children.
• We’re Talking, Too: Preteen Health Talk -- for children, ages 9 to 12 and their parents. The purpose is to help students learn about such topics as growing up, friendship, hygiene, empathy, divorce, stress, fitness, bullying and body changes, and to stimulate important conversations between parents and children.

Talking with Kids About Tough Issues is a national campaign by Children Now and the Kaiser Family Foundation. You can find tips, resources, and facts about sex, HIV & AIDS, violence and drugs.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy seeks to improve the well-being of children, youth, and families by reducing teen pregnancy. The Campaign's goal is to reduce the teen pregnancy rate by one-third between 1996 and 2005.

Planned Parenthood is the world's largest and oldest voluntary family planning organization. Planned Parenthood is dedicated to the principles that every individual has a fundamental right to decide when or whether to have a child, and that every child should be wanted and loved.

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Sexuality Education, Teen Health

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I Won't Grow Up!

What does it look and sound like when a very responsible 16-year old apparently decides that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be and refuses to practice the independence you have tried to give her - for several weeks?

I think it looks like this:

• I forgot my article for the school paper was due today;
• I forgot to take the sheets of my bed so they could be washed;
• I would rather not drive myself to work, will you please drive me;
• I can't walk the dog, there is not enough time;
• I was too busy to study for the test;
• Could you change that medical appointment for me, I have to work that day;
  
• I have not had time to complete that ...

but,

• I need you to make an appointment for my haircut;
• I would like to go see that new movie;
• I would like my clothes clean for work tomorrow;
• I need to be early for work;
  
• I should be able to stay up until 10 PM now;
• I would like to spend time with my friends; and
• I would like to read that new book by Meyer.

Confused as any parent would be, let's take this problem apart. It would seem that the teen above is only able to find time to do the things she likes and is only "forgetting" the things she does not want to do, and given this is a bright, articulate young woman, without any health problems, selective amnesia is my only conclusion.

Now, given this teen asks for little direct nurturing and care taking these days, it might be easy to do these things for her, cut her some lack and forgive the amnesia, which I have done for several weeks, but her luck has run out. In this house, we believe that completing our responsibilities makes us feel loved and strong, so there must be a way to help her back into the groove.

What shall I do with this selectively forgetful teen who seems to want to be a young child if it means having things done for her, but an independent teen when it comes to the privileges that age has to give her. I thought about this dilemma all weekend and came to the following conclusion. Let me know what you think of this natural consequence, and I promise to let you know how it goes.

Next weekend being a long weekend, there will be plenty of time to complete all of the things she has been forgetting, and to help her do that, the "fun"parts of the weekend - seeing a new movie, a fondue party, and a trip to the beach - will not happen until she has taken care of everything that has been sliding in the last month.

To prepare her, I have created a list of what those things are, and last night we discussed the list, and she knows when the fun stuff is planned during the weekend. She now has the option of doing all the backed up projects during the week, or leaving them for the weekend potentially missing the family fun during the weekend. I admit a little surprise at her response to my proposal - she said "seems fair," and the evening went on ...

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Teen Development

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Great Parent Resource

The Palo Alto Medical Foundation (PAMF) offers a wonderful online resource for parents of children of all ages. The physicians and staff members of the PAMF know there are many questions and concerns that come with raising a child.

Whether a parent is looking for answers about a newborn's development, seeking advice on talking to a preteen about difficult topics or watching a teen struggle with making the right decision, PAMF is a great place to look.

Labels: Healthline, Parenting, Preteens, Teen Health

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Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day everyone! I hope that you managed to mother yourself, your children, your own mother, your partner, your pets, your house, your work, the earth, and the people you came into contact with today.

What a wonderful opportunity Mother's Day is to appreciate all of the unconditional love and attention that we enjoy every day and all of the blessings of love and attention we are able to bestow on others. Today is a chance to be thankful for all of the opportunities we have to teach, love, nurture, care for, and sustain the people in our lives!

I hope you find joy and love today!

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The First Day at Work - for Teens and Parents

For teens, congratulations - you have done it - you have a job and today is the first day! Take a deep breath, be early and enthusiastic. Remember that every person working where you work now had a first day and will understand when you have questions and worries. Do not be shy - ask away. It is better to ask then do things incorrectly. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Be clear with your manager about how many hours you think you can work each week and still get your homework done;
• Ask for the combination of after school and weekend hours that you think will work for you;
• If you work in the food industry, like many teens, ask if you get a free meal each day;
• Ask for a break after four hours;
• If there is a tip jar, ask how the tips get divided each day;
• Know when paydays are, if you have to complete a time sheet, and when the schedule is posted each week; and finally,
• Do not call to ask when you are working the following week - go by and write your schedule down.

Welcome to the world of us working stiffs - enjoy the first paycheck, sense of accomplishment and the freedom that comes with growing up!

For parents, remember that your teen does not know business etiquette and is trying to make a good first impression. The type of job s/he has may also be very different and she may not know when s/he is working until each week starts. Be tolerant when s/he does not ask for a day off knowing a family event or school performance is coming up, do not be critical when they wash dishes for an entire shift, or volunteer to take an extra shift for someone, or do not know the answers to your questions. We have been working for many years and things that seem logical and easy to us make intimidate your teen.

Try to see the world through their eyes - their peers have been working longer, seem more competent, and seem to know exactly what is going on - and your son or daughter does not want to rock the boat. Encouragement and love will go a lot further than pushy and critical - let them learn slowly and make a few mistakes - it will not be the end of the world. Finally, help them be proactive about finding a balance between school, work, family and social time - we all know how hard it can be, and avoiding teenage meltdowns is always a good thing.

Congratulations to you, the parent, too, this is a milestone for you, as well.

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Labels: Employment, Healthline, Parenting

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New Media In The Everyday Lives of Youth

I went to the public forum presented by commonsense media and the MacArthur Foundation at Stanford last Wednesday and was pleasantly surprised by the range of information presented during the two hours, particularly that it was primarily qualitative. Sadly, after a 12-hour day I had to get home to kids and missed the reception, but the conversations started in the forum were very interesting.

Basically, the MacArthur Foundation, under the competent guidance of Connie Yowell has funded a tremendous amount of research about how digital technologies and new media are changing the way that young people learn, socialize, and participate in civic life. I should probably admit here that I am one who usually is arguing in favor of turning off the TV, the computer, the phone, and anything else that pulls teens away from families, free time, and old-fashioned "face time."

What surprised me Wednesday was that some of the character-building experiences I associated with real-time face-to-face contact may actually be occurring while kids are mixing music, making videos, or publishing on fanfiction sites. I found the "presentation of self" on social networks research by Danah Boyd (UC Berkeley) really interesting and wished that the research presented in the first half of the presentation was being integrated more by the media and technology leaders present in the panel discussion.

I walked away with two very strong feelings. First, more work needs to be done to connect different generations via media - children and teens need (safe, supportive, asset-building) relationships with older people to grow, expand their realities, and learn skills they will need in their futures. With media being second nature to the current generation, we need more tools to bring those of us who are older into the conversation, in a painless way, that does not make us feel stupid, I might add. Related to that, there is some immediate parent-education to be done about not only Internet Safety, and how to keep boundaries, so that kids are not forgoing sunshine, nutrition and exercise for excessive screen time, but also about the benefits of media, and how publishing a story on a fanfiction site, may be as beneficial to the self-esteem of a "non-cookie cutter teen" as being a star athlete is to another teen.

Here is the chest-beating: Parents need to start engaging in the media that our children participate in. We used to say watch the TV shows your kids are watching, listen to their music ... but the world has changed and now we need to add, visit their social network sites, read their online writing or blogging. Do not be afraid of appearing stupid - just accept it and move through it - our children need us present where they are learning about the world and themselves! We cannot fight progress!

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Labels: Healthline, Media, Parenting

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A Parenting Book That Could Change Your Life

OK, I know, I sound like an infomercial, but I am serious. How does never being angry at your teenager again sound? How about raising happy and responsible children? Who could not want to experience those things?

Dr. Greg Baer, the author of "Real Love in Parenting," thinks he can teach you the way to raise wonderful children and be a happier person in the process. I tell you, I keep looking for something to be suspicious about this guy, but I am in the middle of my second book and am loving it.

I do not think I have a read a book that impacted so much of my life since I was in college. This book is also having an effect on my kids. I keep reading sections out loud and both kids really enjoy what this man has to say.

The basic premise is that people need to know they are unconditionally loved, and as parents we think we do love our children unconditionally, until you read this book and start to realize how much of our connection is conditional - and not about our children, at all.

There are definitely some things you will not like, for example, he believes that most of us are woefully unprepared to be parents and that our lack of parenting skills is the reason we have rebellious, angry, disobedient children. The nice part of his message is that we need to forgive ourselves - because no one has ever taught us to be good parents and we cannot give away what we do not have.

He describes our children as suffering, and believes that if we feel loved and love our children, we will never be disappointed or angry at them again. He illustrates the truth in this over and over with real-life situations and solutions. Every family, every parent should read this book.

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Emergency Preparedness for Teens Home Alone

I have encouraged parents to put an In Case of Emergency (ICE) number into their children's cell phones, as well as some names of adults you trust to help in an emergency when the parents cannot be reached, but what I forgot was to encourage parents to program in the phone number of your local advice nurse.

As our teens get older and start staying at home alone, or with their siblings, stuff is going to happen, so help them be prepared. All teens should know how to turn off the water, gas, and electricity to your home, as well as know where to find the emergency numbers for the utility company, police, and maybe a neighbor. I also recently learned the hard way that they should know to call the advice nurse at your doctor's office in case of a medical emergency.

The other day my teens were with their "other" parent, who lives in a rural area, and I did not realize they were alone when I answered my cell phone at work with, "hey there terrific kid, I just muted a conference call, so be quick." My eldest was silent a brief second and then asked for a friend's number, because she did not have her cell phone with her. I gave it to her, told her I loved her, and went back to my conference call. That night when I called to say goodnight, my youngest told me that she had experienced a nosebleed from hell that morning that resulted in the bathroom looking like a CSI crime scene, a blood clot that she had to spit out that left her dizzy and pale, and a couple of scared teenagers.

Oh my goodness, I could not believe that my oldest daughter had not told me what was happening when she called, just gotten the number of a local mom who she called, and all was good, but I could not believe she decided to "handle it," so my call would not be disturbed. We talked, the advice nurse number is now programmed in both cell phones, and my oldest is clear that parents need to know what is going on. However, I also realize that from her perspective - it was an adult-like moment - she was trying to honor the fact that I was busy and felt like she could handle it. Sweet girl, rotten idea.

So there you have it. Live and learn, and please give your kids the information they may need to handle a medical emergency.

Photo credit: crimsonNinjaGirl

Labels: Healthline, Injuries, Parenting, Teen Health

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Homeschooling Banned in CA?

On February 28, 2008 the Second District Court of Appeal ruled that California law requires parents to send their children to full-time public or private schools or have them taught by credentialed tutors at home. Specifically, California's compulsory education statutes require children ages 6 to 18 to attend a full-time day school, either public or private, or to be instructed by a tutor who holds a state credential for the child's grade level. This seems to be news to the ~166,000 children who are apparently truant and whose parents risk prosecution.

The ruling was in response to a child welfare dispute with one family in Los Angeles County that homeschools their eight children, but who are not registered with the state as a private school, which is how many families get around the law. Their opinion is not new, and the 3-0 ruling sites cases in 1953 and 1961 reiterating that parents do not have a constitutional right to homeschool their children.

California might be the only state to make homeschooling illegal, if it started prosecuting families not in compliance with the law. I have to say I have feelings on both sides of this issue - I know homschooled kids who are below grade level academically and I know of a few who have soared into top-notch colleges - but underneath it all - I believe kids deserve an education that teaches them how to be good citizens, and will give them the opportunity to participate in our economy at whatever level they choose to in the future. What do you think?

Photo credit: van Rijn

Labels: Healthline, Parenting, School

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A Gap Year - What is That?

My daughter has a friend whose family is into "gap years" between high school and college and when she first suggested the idea I have to admit I was a bit reluctant, but it was because I did not understand what a "gap year," was. I thought it meant putting off applying to college for a year, but in fact, there are several ways gap years happen. Basically, a gap year is a structured program the year after high school and before college, and even during or after college. The idea seems to be much more popular in Europe than it has been here, and the key is "structured."

There are two types of kids that this gap year works for: the first is the highly motivated student who has already been accepted into college, and defers starting for one year, and the second is the student who struggled through high school and needs a break from the academic pressure before applying to college. For the highly motivated student, the gap year can provide a year to gain maturity, get an international perspective, and maybe do service work or an internship. For the struggling student, the gap year can provide an opportunity to explore possible careers and also regain focus and drive to get more out of an academic program when they do apply.

Harvard has been encouraging youth to do this for many years with up to 20% of their students taking some time off and Princeton University recently announced a program starting in 2009 that will send 10% of their incoming frosh to do social service work in a foreign country before they start their freshman year.

There are two agencies that help match students with a gap year opportunity - the Center for Interim Programs and the Dynamy Internship Year. Both programs describe the gap year as helping students be self-reliant, self-confident, and more focused for academics the following year. To find out if the idea of a gap year is right for your teen, the first step is probably meeting with the college counselor to discuss it and exploring the two web site links above.

Given that there is some concern about the emotional preparedness of our high school seniors and their readiness to live independently, as well as the consequences of the academic pressure they experience, I have to admit a gap year is not looking like a bad idea.

Photo Credit: griffhome

Labels: College, Healthline, Parenting

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Stanford Here We Come!

How does free tuition sound to you parents of high school students? Well it is true! On Wednesday, February 20, 2008 Stanford announced that families earning less than $100,000 a year will not have to pay tuition for their children to attend Stanford University. In addition, if a family makes less than $60,000, the university will throw in the cost of room and board and other expenses - I am assuming they mean books.

This new (and largest increase in its history) commitment to financial aid means the university will allocate $114 million to its financial-aid program for the 2008-2009 academic year which will likely increase the aid provided to three out of four current students, as well as providing support for new students. The goal of this new program is to eliminate the need for student loans to cover the current annual undergraduate expense of about $45,606 a year ($34,800 of which is tuition). Stanford University John Hennessey said that "no high school senior should rule out applying to Stanford because of the cost," which is truly reminiscent of the Stanford's goal of founding the university "for the children of workers."

My graduate degree is from Stanford and as a person from blue-collar roots I can tell you that it may take a while for the impact of this new program to take hold, but it will be wonderful for youth from all socioeconomic status (SES) levels to be able to walk onto the Stanford campus and feel like they belong there because of their brain and character, not their SES. It would be naive however to trust that every youth who gets accepted has had the same academic preparation though and I predict that the university will also have to increase the budget for the programs providing mentorship and small class sizes that actually facilitate faculty and students getting to know one another, one example being Freshman and Sophomore Programs, which happens to be celebrating its 10 year anniversary.

Look out Stanford here comes some amazing young people - and thanks from all of us parents who want our children to be able to see their dreams come true!

Photo Credit: jeffpearce

Labels: College, Healthline, Parenting

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Unconditional Love: How Hard Can It Be?

Continuing with the theme about the impact of advertising, I set out trying to find an explanation about why advertising works so well on the American people. What I found was a book that could have a profound impact on how we parent. "Real Love," by Greg Baer (2003) suggests that we are all lacking "unconditional love," so we seek out experiences (and products) that give us feelings of power, pleasure, praise, and safety, which are "imitation love," and leave us feeling empty and miserable. Using example after example, from his own life, and the lives of others, Dr. Baer points out that people who do not feel unconditionally loved will do anything to eliminate the pain of their emptiness, making us vulnerable to advertising and manipulation by others.

Here is the sad part: it is our parenting that creates humans with this vacuum, so happily filled by advertising and consumer goods, and leading to unfulfilling intimate relationships in which people trade "imitation love." Seeking power, pleasure, praise and safety, goes hand in hand with not accepting responsibility for our mistakes, chasing praise, and feeling disappointed and angry that there "is never enough." Dr. Baer suggests that being ungrateful is a natural result of having expectations, which we set up to fill our sense of "emptiness," and "fear that we will be alone. If we expect anything from other people, we will always be disappointed instead of grateful.

Dr. Baer suggests that without meaning to do it, we convey to our children that we accept them only when they do what we want. When we are disappointed in them, our sighs, frowns, and even words tell them that at that moment we love them less, they are unacceptable, and even defective. Feeling this way, children learn to protect themselves with lies, anger, acting like a victim, and running away, and look for something to make themselves feel better. Here is a tough concept: If we love someone and genuinely accept them, we never feel disappointment or anger.

Good parenting is not a technique, nor is it an opportunity to manipulate children to behave in ways that are convenient for us. Families should provide a place where children feel unconditional love and learn to love others. However, a child cannot feel that unconditional love or happiness while carrying the burden of making his or her parents happy. "No parent ever has the right to expect love from a child. It is the responsibility of the parents to teach and love their children, not the other way around."

It may not be a popular answer, but according to this book, we cannot blame our children's problems on them, their peers, the school, television, advertising, video games, or anything else... we own the problems of our children. Luckily for us, he is not mean about this - as he provides unconditional love to all of us - and suggests it is never too late to provide happiness to ourselves and our children. By finding unconditional love ourselves, we can help our children be happy, too.

This does not mean that there is no discipline, it just means there is no disappointment and anger when we provide that discipline, or correction. To eliminate feelings of disappointment and anger, he suggests five steps, and describes how to use them:

• Be quiet
• Be wrong
• Feel loved
• Get loved
• Be loving

I do not know about you, but a little unconditional love sounds like just what the doctor ordered - healing old wounds and creating a generation of people who are truly happy and therefore have no need to drink, smoke, have indiscriminate sex, yell at anyone, fight with their siblings, act out in school, or use extreme forms of entertainment to "feel good" sounds like a noble goal worth trying. Of course, he has a newer book (2005) which about parenting, so stay tuned for another review.

Happy parenting!

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Labels: Healthline, Parenting

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Happy Valentine's Day

Parents, Valentine's Day is your opportunity to spoil your teenagers! Make them a nice breakfast, or a cup of tea before school, take them out for gelato, see a family-friendly movie, share a special dinner, give them a love gift, or tell them they are wonderful!

Teenagers, today is an opportunity to remind your parents that you do love them, when they are not embarrassing you, hassling you, nagging you, pressuring you, or expecting too much! Deep down, you remember that they love you - so say thanks today! Tea in bed, a love note in a briefcase, a flower in the kitchen, a chocolate, doing a chore without being asked, or just a big hug will do - and get you a lot of brownie points!

Valentine's Day is all about feeling the blessings of the love we share - at least most days - and remembering to celebrate the relationships we value and work so hard to sustain. Have fun, remember what you love about each other, and spend a little time together - you will all feel better!

Photo credit: Aine D

Labels: Healthline, Holidays, Parenting, Teen Health

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Book Review: Can't Buy My Love (How Advertsing Changes the Way We Think and Feel)

Have I said lately how much I love having a great excuse to read a book? For the last two weeks I told myself "I have to finish that blog post," and I got to read a whole book. As a parent I know it can be hard to make time to read, but this book is worth the effort.

Can't Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel (1999) is by Jean Kilbourne, the woman who brought us great videos like "Killing Us Softly: Advertising's Image of Women (2000)," "Slim Hopes: Advertising & The Obsession with Thinness (1995)," "Spin the Bottle: Sex, Lies & Alcohol (2004)," and "Deadly Persuasion: The Advertising of Alcohol & Tobacco (2003)." As you can see by her other work, this author is about awareness, and as a behavioral psychologist, I know that awareness is the first step in behavior change, and this book brings it on! Have fun reading!

Be warned - this book is dense and hopefully will inflame your sense of decency and inspire social protest! The message of the book is that whether or not we admit it, we are each profoundly influenced by advertising, and our children are growing up in a toxic cultural environment. Adolescents and children are inexperienced consumers, and that makes them prime targets for the power of advertising. This author helps us realize that the messages we get from advertising (about 3,000 a day) are inside our heads, relationships, hearts, offices, and homes. Advertisers use every emotion we have to first undermine our sense of selves, beauty, efficiency, productivity, ability to function as a person, parent, spouse, employee and community member - and then sell us products that transform our weaknesses and make us superior to others.

I think the most disconcerting thing about this book for me was the realization that to the advertising industry, we are all just sheep, being fed to the wolves, particularly, young women. None of us can withstand the pressure to believe in "happily ever after stories," where roses and affection are enough! Who could love us for who and what we are, when there is always someone better out there? Advertising undermines our ability to love ourselves and others. We are constantly told that we are not good enough: our skin, wrinkles, nails and hair are beyond even a dermatologists help, our butts and thighs are way too big, our breasts are never big enough, and we need better cars, homes, clothing, and activities if we want to have a good, long, lasting relationship, which by the way is impossible, because when something gets old, our society replaces it!

If everything we aspire to can be bought, then why are there so many broken hearts? If we can smoke and eat like a bird to be thin, drive the fastest car, "deal" with our fertility using better birth control pills, drink alcohol to make us fearless, rebellious, independent, and invincible, and buy products guaranteed to transform even an old goat into a beauty, then why are our health care costs soaring?

This book brings home the fact that everywhere we look, we are offered false excitement and pseudo-intensity. Not only does this inevitably disappoint us, it also contributes to the general belief in our culture that every moment of our lives should be exciting, fun, sexy, passionate, and intense, suggesting that the things we do everyday for the people we love are worthless, mundane, and "what we settle for," instead of what we value. We are addicts and the messages from the advertising industry is our drug. Without the products they are selling, we will all be isolated, alone, ugly, and depressed.

When will we get it through our thick skulls that Internet, TV, radio, billboard, and print advertising are teaching our children to consume, escape, be greedy and violent? Eating disorders, depression, anxiety, alcohol a